Thursday, June 15, 2023

Thursday, June 15, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2003. Mattie was a year old and we took him to Great Falls for an outdoor adventure. Mind you Mattie couldn't walk yet, but he spent a good portion of the trip in a backpack on Peter's back. Peter tried to snap a photo of Mattie and me together, but at that age, Mattie was a wiggler, and I found it almost impossible to hold him still. 

Quote of the day: Every story I create, creates me. I write to create myself. ~ Octavia E. Butler

I came across tonight's quote and it immediately jumped out at me. Writing is a big part of my life. It was before Mattie got diagnosed with cancer, but after his diagnosis, my writing went to a completely new level. I am not sure how many other parents write daily on a blog? I should qualify my statement... how many parents who lost a child to cancer write each and every day, for 15 years! No matter where I have been, I haven't missed ONE day. I have taken the blog with me across the country, on vacations, and even on the high seas. But why do I write? Do I write just to write? Do I write because I have nothing better to do? 

Of course the answer to these questions is NO! I write because it keeps me connected to Mattie and keeps the memories fresh in my mind. I assure you with time, the mind plays trips on you, and the subtleties of a relationship can become foggy and gray. Unless you work on it! Which is one of the things the blog does for me. The second aspect of the blog that is of great importance to me is the fact that it is an outlet to express myself. I know years ago when my dad was intact, he would argue with me about why I still write the blog! In his opinion it was a waste of time because the audience I had when Mattie was ill, is NOT the audience I have now. I tried to explain to my dad that writing is therapeutic for me. Sometimes I can express feelings and thoughts more easily here than I can actually in person. I am quite sure if I did not have this outlet, I would have lost it a long time ago. 

Sure I may not have the hundreds of people viewing the blog as I did back in 2008, but again that isn't the point. I write because I need to, because it is part of my day, like brushing my teeth. My day wouldn't be complete without it and ironically, I am always amazed who continues to read my words, reaches out to me, and continues to follow my journey. I always wonder what inspires someone to continue this journey with me? I have no answers per se, but I do know that when I hear someone has read my words, it makes me feel like I am not alone, that someone else cares, and that something I am saying may resonate with you. 

But as tonight's quote so eloquently points out...... by writing, I create myself. Or in my case, I remind myself WHO I AM. When caregiving non-stop for two people with dementia, it is very easy to lose track of every aspect of yourself. 

On Peter's walk this morning, he saw a deer in our neighborhood! A frequent occurrence here and one that I love. 

Meanwhile, this morning, while I was prepping my parent's breakfast, I went out on our porch and gave Sunny his breakfast. He was able to eat some, because Peter gave him his anti-nausea meds hours before. Sunny is quite exhausted in the morning and many times refuses food. However, over the last week, I got better at reading the signs for when Sunny may want to try food in the morning. There are times I have to sit with Sunny and hand feed him, other times, I have to pet him while he eats, and then there are times like today, when he wants to be left alone to work on the food.