Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. It was the day after Thanksgiving to be specific. Mattie was home from the hospital and the typical family tradition was that Peter and Mattie decorated our commons area of our townhouse. I can't tell you how many people thanked me over the years for adding holiday cheer to our commons space. That day, Mattie and Peter bought this Scooby Doo light up character to add to their display. Mattie was a big Scooby Doo fan and he was thrilled to have found this wonderful addition.
Quote of the day: The death of a beloved is an amputation. ~ CS Lewis
While taking Sunny for a walk today, I noticed people decorating for Christmas. Lights being strung on trees, outdoor decorations going up, and through windows, I could see families gathering and assembling their Christmas trees. The holidays have not been the same for me since Mattie died, but this year the overwhelming loss pierces my heart. How I miss the time when we were a family and seeing happy people now makes me utterly depressed. In fact, when people interact with me in stores and ask if I am ready for the holidays, I am polite, but if they only knew my reality. I am NEVER ready for the holidays.
This afternoon, I took my parents out for frozen yogurt. As always, my dad finished his cup of yogurt in record speed. While my mom and I were not even half way done. Naturally without fail, as soon as my dad eats something, he has to go to the bathroom. Dementia combined with irritable bowel syndrome is like hell on earth. I never travel anywhere now without a tote bag full of wipes, depends, gloves, garbage bags, and a complete change of clothing. I have learned the hard way! While in the bathroom with my dad (as he can't do this independently), my dad had a meltdown. He can get very belligerent, upset, and angry. He views himself as a problem and a burden and therefore impacting my life. Of course on some level there is truth to his statement, but I do not want him feeling that way. So I encouraged him to calm down, that he isn't the problem in my life, and thankfully he listens to me and I reset the situation. But my dad is fragile and it is challenging for me to be the adult on duty and strong for everyone all the time.
This evening I cooked a small turkey. I prepared it like I always do, and no matter what I did with this thing, it wasn't cooking all the way through. So I gave up, cut it up and now it is cooking in parts! This whole situation captures how I feel in life right now. Frustrated, stressed out, and unable to do anything well.
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