Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. We took Mattie to Roosevelt Island that day to walk around and explore. A very typical weekend outing! That day, Mattie came across this large fruit on the ground. We later learned it was called a Crinkly Hedgeapple. At the time, we had no idea what it was, but we brought it home, cut it open and explored it further! When I see this photo, to me it is chilling. Behind Mattie in the distance was Georgetown University. However, a year later, we were actually living on that same campus and Mattie was undergoing intensive cancer treatment.
Quote of the day: Death might appear to destroy the meaning in our lives, but in fact it is the very source of our creativity. As Kafka said, ‘the meaning of life is that it ends.’ Death is the engine that keeps us running, giving us the motivation to achieve, learn, love, and create. ~ Caitlin Doughty.
Yesterday I went for my annual eye exam. I have a condition called narrow angle glaucoma and initially this doctor monitored me every six months. Other doctors wanted to immediately operate on me. However, one of the many things I learned from Mattie's journey is to proceed with medical decisions slowly and methodically. Thankfully I have found a doctor who wants to work with me and respects my decisions. I am happy to report that my eye pressure is stable and hasn't changed from last year. I celebrate all the little blessings in my life, and sometimes it is the small wins that get me through the day.
However, one of the many things I do not like about eye exams is the drops placed in my eyes. I do not like losing physical control of my own body and for me it takes practically the entire day for my eyes to return to normal from those drops. Yet despite seeing halos and having sensitivity to light, I had to push on in order to drive, manage my parents, and keep my house functioning.
Tonight while having dinner, my dad had a tantrum. He can have them on occasion, in which he gets frustrated, he will start cursing and then walked away. Of course he won't get far and quickly realizes he has no idea what he is doing. So after his outburst, I encouraged him to come back to the dinner table and just as quickly as the issue arose, it also disappeared. The emotional angle of dementia presents its own challenges for me and there are many times during the day, where I have to say to either parent... let's pause to reset.
I have to say that coping with trauma and living with anxiety are things I learned first hand from Mattie's journey and death. The insights I gleamed from that nightmare give me the knowledge to help me cope with this life altering situation. Like I did in 2008, some days I take it not just one day at a time, but minute by minute!
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