Wednesday, March 20, 2024Tonight's picture was taken on April 1, 2009. Mattie's support team celebrated his birthday early! Mattie received balloons and gifts throughout that birthday week. In fact, that year, Mattie had two 7th birthday parties. One in the hospital, on his actual birthday, and a second at my friend Christine's house. These events were celebrations that I will never forget. That day, Mattie's school counselor brought him this wonderful singing hamster card! When Mattie opened it up it played a cute song. The song brought all of us a moment of happiness, because it made Mattie dance around in his wheelchair and smile!
Quote of the day: If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. ~ Phil Pastoret
When Sunny was younger and able to climb steps and jump up on the bed, this was NOT an unusual occurrence. He loved hugs and snuggles. In fact, every morning started with Sunny jumping on our bed. He was better than an alarm clock!
Every Wednesday evening, I have a therapy appointment. I started going in December, when my life had fallen apart. There are moments when I ask... why am I going? What on earth is she going to do for me? Mainly because no one can change my circumstances. In fact, each week, I think.... perhaps I can just save my money and not go. However, what therapy enables me to do is get out of the house once a week, drive on my own without entertaining anyone, and then for 50 minutes I can talk to someone who is cognitively intact and better yet, I do not have to worry about hurting her feelings. I can't tell you what a blessing that is! Because overall, I have absorbed a lot of emotions over the last two years.
Each week, the therapist appears to be more in awe about the multiple tasks and issues I am facing head on. Things I haven't been responsible for during most of my adult life. Yet here I am..... having to rise to the challenge. She calls me a warrior woman. I am not sure what kind of warrior I am. I think I am just a person who is loyal, loves deeply, values my commitments, and will do just about anything to help and protect those I love. Perhaps to a fault. In any case, it is interesting to see your life through someone else's lens.
One of the things I am facing is the notion that society may view me as worthless. Worthless because I have worked hard since Mattie died to build his Foundation, but I have done this for 15 years for FREE. I haven't earned a penny. Yet our society views success and achievement typically by how much you earn and what benefits you have received! Using this benchmark, I am a big zero. Naturally, I understand my value. I understand the blood, sweat, and tears I put into Mattie's Foundation, and my efforts have helped to create a well respected and successful organization. Yet what do I have to personally show for this at the end of the day? These are questions I have now been forced to ask myself. I face these hard questions and other challenging emotions each week and for now, I am not ready to do the feeling work. I neither have the emotional energy for it and also see NO purpose to crying and shutting down. I don't have that luxury, because if I shut down, my entire house won't operate. LITERALLY!
When I got back home from therapy, the first one to greet me is Miss Indie. Indie has truly stepped up her act since Sunny died. I can't quite explain this, but she is far more demanding, follows me all over the house, and at night when we are all watching TV, she sits right next to me looking for attention and love. She is channeling her inner Sunny!
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