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Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2004. Mattie was two years old. Every August, I took Mattie to Los Angeles to visit with my parents. That day we went to Griffith Park, which was a park very close to my parent's home. They had all sorts of fun things at this park, from the Zoo, Travel Town (an amazing train museum), pony rides, train rides, and a Dentzel Carousel. I was very protective of Mattie and always wanted to make sure he was safe, and tried to plan for all contingencies. Of course childhood cancer was never on my radar scope and at that point in time, I was naive about that possibility.
Quote of the day: My tongue will tell the anger of my heart, or else my heart, concealing it, will break. ~ William Shakespeare
This morning, after my usual routine, I decided to figure out how to operate Peter's hedge trimmer. I have seen Peter use it for years, but never used this gadget myself. I am very tired of seeing the hedges in front of our windows growing so tall and uneven. Could I pay for the gardener to do this? Sure! Do I want to? NO! As a home owner, I have found that you have to learn to be self sufficient because every thing costs an arm and a leg.
I got the hedge trimmer out of the box and had to figure out how to assemble it. The instruction booklet was no longer with the machine. Here's the funny part, I couldn't figure out how to take off the safety blade cover. I tried moving it, sliding it, nothing was working. So I want back inside, got my phone and googled my question. Sure enough, I got instructions on-line and went back at this thing with a screw driver. I was able to slide the safety guard off and then decided to practice my skills on the bushes in the back of the house. After managing three of them, without killing myself or damaging the bushes, I headed to the front of the house. I went at two large hedges and four small bushes. I have found my new best handy side kick! I stopped after two hours because my arms hurt. But I have more to do and hopefully will get to it this week. Unless another crisis arises in my house.
Every Sunday, I take my parents out to brunch. Over the years, we have gotten to know our server and all her family. Today she was talking with us about three of her colleagues who have approached her several times and want to go out on a date with her. These men are about 25 years younger than her. When she was telling me this story, we both looked at each other, and what came out of my mouth was...... what do they want, what is their motive? Instead of looking at the world as a hopeful, happy, and loving place, I have been transformed after the destruction of my marriage. This destruction and abandonment have left me having great caution, a lack of trust, the desire to retreat and shut people out, and the need for self protection. As I always say, I hate the person I am becoming, because it is not who I am at the core. Yet look what being kind, nice, loving, and supportive has gotten me after 36 years in a long term relationship! It has gotten me to a place in my life where I lost my child, my husband, my freedom to live a daily life, and a very uncertain future.
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