Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2002. Mattie was four months old. We began introducing rice cereal into his diet and Mattie LOVED it! It almost looked like he was in a trance when eating. Very Zen! Today, I took my parents out to lunch. Right next to us was a family with a baby about the age of Mattie in this photo. How I remembered those days, when things seemed far more innocent, hopeful, and when there were incredible possibilities for a beautiful future together as a family.
Quote of the day: You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~ Jan Glidewell
Tonight's quote got me thinking. I am VERY used to living and thinking in the past. I think it is a natural instinct, especially when your only child dies from cancer. A part of me will always live in the past, because if I don't, then I am left to face the notion that I am childless and without my husband. My brain wakes up and goes to bed DAILY trying to understand how on earth this has happened to me after our 36 years together? Truly there are no logical explanations, though I have several or one BIG one which I am not discussing on this blog. In fact, there are times I blame my caregiving role for the reason I took my time and attention away from Peter. Naturally blaming my caregiving role, means blaming my parents. However, as my good friend reminded me today.... what is happening now is NOT my FAULT. I have been a dedicated, loyal, faithful, loving, and supportive wife for 29 years of marriage, and seven years prior to that as Peter's girlfriend. No matter how busy I am now, does not excuse what is actually happening. Yet regardless of the reasons and circumstances, I am alone.
There are days I just miss the husband, man, and best friend that I knew and loved. Today a workman came to the house to repair one of our systems. In the process of working together, I learned that he has been married for 32 years and has two children. He discussed how he works overtime and does whatever is necessary to ensure that his wife and kids have a good life. I couldn't help but try to apply what he was saying to my life. This is the type of man I thought I was married to, the person that respected and put me above everything else. As this is definitely how I felt about him. Needless to say, after this man left my house, my immediate thought was why are so many people blessed with stability and my life has been anything but stable?
I forgot to mention this on last night's blog, but yesterday in the process of juggling phone calls regarding my dad's urology issues, I got a call from a company called NSIGHT. They do remote patient monitoring. Turns out my parents' primary care doctor recommended my parents for the service. So a representative called me out of the blue. She caught me at a rotten time, as I was stressed, tired, and juggling way too much for one person. Any case, to make a long story short, the program rep told me that to be enrolled in NSIGHT, I would need to take my parents blood pressure and measure their pulse ox daily and report in! Truly I LOST IT. I told her I have enough going on, so NO I am not going to be taking vitals, and then report into her service. First off, my house is not a hospital. I will take my parents' vitals when I deem it necessary, but I will not stress them out with this sort of data collection on a daily basis. I then told this woman, if she would like to come to my home, help me and capture the data daily, she is welcomed to do that, but my plate is full!
While out with my parents today, the restaurant played a Christopher Cross song. "Never be the same again!" (BELOW!) If you grew up in the 80s, then you absolutely know who Christopher Cross is and as I was listening to the song, I felt like it could have been written for me. Totally relate to it as I will never be the same again and I loved Peter then and will always love the Peter I once knew forever.
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