Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2008. It was Mattie's first week in the hospital and thankfully we met this special woman, Anna, early on in Mattie's treatment. Anna was Mattie's physical therapist. Though Mattie was NOT wheelchair bound at the time, Anna introduced Mattie to wheelchair right from the beginning because she was trying to get him used to what was to come after his limb salvaging surgeries. Anna had Mattie focus on developing his upper body strength and as you can see, Mattie was hitting beach balls in the hospital hallway. I can't tell you how grateful I was for those hallways! They symbolized freedom from the 2x4 hospital room!
Quote of the day: Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart. ~ Washington Irving
I am so exhausted from my dad's surgery on Wednesday, that I canceled his physical therapy session on Saturday. I knew I had to sleep in Saturday and Sunday in order to regroup. Sleeping in for me means sleeping to 8am. Typically because I am SO exhausted, I wake up, and though I may recall I have dreamt of something, I normally do not remember anything about my dreams. Last night was very different. This morning, I woke up and vividly could recall what I experienced. It seemed so real, so important, that it has been in the back of my mind all day. As if Peter is trying to tell me something.
Since Peter left, I haven't dreamt about him at all, or at least I can't remember dreaming of him. Again, I think it is because I am so exhausted and have to wake up so early. But in my dream last night were several key features..... a fox, a long snake, a beach, a room, and Peter. Now because it was a dream, things were not linear. However, we were at a beach house. I was upset with him over what is going on now. At one point we are walking on a beach together discussing issues and then at another point, we were in a small room. While on the beach, I saw a very long and thick snake slithering toward us. Anyone who knows me, knows I HATE snakes. Snakes of all kinds. As soon as the snake passed by, then a fox came trotting by. In the dream, I just watched these things happen. I was scared, but absorbed them happening around us.
I have no idea what the fox (perhaps an omen or spiritual guide), snake (letting go of the past), or beach (tranquility) mean. But what I distinctly recall is in the dream Peter was telling me that NOT everything is as it seems. Those were his exact words. The more I kept asking for clarity, the less I got. Yet his message was clear, that he loves me, always has, and for now that was all he could reveal.
Dreams are just that, dreams. Kind of like a Hallmark movie. We wish for them to be true, but that isn't reality. What it is, is my mind desperately trying to understand what is happening to my life, to my marriage, to the man I thought I knew very well for 36 years. I know when I was writing my dissertation in graduate school, I practically wrote Chapter 5 (the discussion section, in which you have to interpret and make sense out of the results you obtained) in my sleep. There were aspects of my data that I just had trouble explaining, yet while sleeping, my mind was actively putting the pieces together. Which was why back then I slept with a pad of paper by my nightstand. I would awake up and immediately record thoughts! I view the issues I am having now, as significant as trying to write a dissertation. I have lots of data points, but they don't make sense to me. So instead my mind goes into overdrive at night trying to make sense of the unexplainable.
A few months ago, I tried to record three things I am grateful for each day. I had to give up on that quest, because I struggled with the whole notion. But glimmers are smaller aspects of my day, which I am trying to make room for and capture in mind and spirit. Who knows how long that will last, but for today, I spent thirty minutes outside on the porch, taking in the hummingbirds, birds, Indie, and the greenery.
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