Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2008. It was Mattie's first month of treatment, and in fact it was his first week within the hospital. Standing next to Mattie was Linda, Mattie's child life specialist. We could not have survived Mattie's cancer journey without Linda. She was a God sent, and became the inspiration for the services Mattie Miracle funds on a yearly basis.
That day, many of Mattie's friends came to visit him in the hospital. To help normalize a very abnormal experience for the children who were visiting, Linda planned all sorts of games and art projects in the hospital hallways. It broke the ice and all the kids got involved. Linda quickly got up to speed on Mattie's interests, likes, dislikes, and the dynamics of our family.
Quote of the day: When the situation is good, enjoy it. When the situation is bad, transform it. When the situation cannot be transformed, transform yourself. ~ Viktor Frankl
Today was not a good day. Why? Well there isn't just one reason. But as September approaches, there are many bills due in that month, and when I sat down to evaluate it all today, it truly was ALL TOO MUCH. I am left to balance all the finances myself. My dad is out of it, my mom is overwhelmed and stressed out on a daily basis, so that leaves me. I absorb an inordinate amount of stress and pain for all three of us on any given day. When under this amount of stress, I would normally turn to Peter, and together we would work on a solution. Problems are always easier to solve when done together and not in isolation. As I told the marriage therapist in November of 2023 (in which we only lasted through two sessions, before therapy was terminated), Peter and I are better together. Unfortunately I am the only one who shares that philosophy. I just do not understand how someone could walk away from me after 36 years, and not care about my welfare or well-being.
My dad's cognitive decline is spiraling downhill. He does very little talking, is definitely in his own world, is eating less and sleeping more. He is the picture of depression for me as it is hard to see a once vibrant and bright man transformed into a hollow shell. By the afternoon, I got my dad up and took them out for frozen yogurt. I find that leaving the house each day is vital for my mental health and it is an excuse for my dad to get up, walk, and be one with the outside world.
When I returned home, my mood hadn't really improved. So I took myself outside to the backyard and sat in a chair for about ten minutes. I consider that moment a glimmer. My friend from England (who I met in the fall while attending an on-line support group), and I talk about glimmers all the time. This is a term associated with trauma survival. Given the state that we are both in, in which we find it challenging to function, to see a path forward, and we are beyond disillusioned with life, we both have agreed to look for glimmers in our everyday lives. Glimmers are tiny micro moments of calm, peace, safety, or goodwill. Some examples of glimmers could be: spotting a rainbow, hearing your favorite song in the grocery store, or feeling the warmth of the sun on your skin. For me, being outside, surrounded by flowers and trees, was my glimmer.
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