Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2003. Mattie was a year old. Next to me was my dissertation chair. We posed for this photo at my graduation party, which was held at a hotel near Capitol Hill. I assure you trying to collect data and write a dissertation, while being a NEW mom was a show. The stress was overwhelming and there were times I just did not think I had the energy to survive and graduate. Back then I thought that was the toughest thing I ever had to deal with, now I look back and say...... that was NOTHING! But perhaps it gave me the discipline to endure, to research, and to leave no stone unturned.
Quote of the day: When we miss someone often, what we really miss is the part of us that with this someone awakens. ~ Luigina Sgarro
Sometimes I wonder, do people read this blog just to see if I am alive? That may sound like a funny question, but truthfully if I were you and tuning in, I would have to ask myself.... why do I keep on reading? Certainly the answer could be that you care about me. But what if you don't know me very well, what keeps you reading? After all, my postings are not necessarily upbeat. But perhaps that is the point. Social media is a joke, and what gets 'likes' is typically happy topics, the best photos, and the most outrageous moments. Not necessarily pain, sadness, and the most challenging part of life. Yet life is filled with challenges, life is filled with depressing times, and life is filled with moments where you just don't know how you are going to get through the day. I have NOT cornered the market in this department, nor do I claim to, but one thing you will typically get from me is the reality. I suppose through my reality, you also learn how one can survive the impossible. My impossible has been Mattie being diagnosed with cancer, Mattie dying, life without Mattie, caregiving for both of my parents three years straight without a break, and now abandonment from my husband after 36 years together. My plate is FULL and I have had just about enough of surprises and forced milestones where I have to re-invent myself.
Any one of the issues I am dealing with could be developed into a book, but my latest nightmare, is so overwhelming that one day when my story is told, many will say.... this is just so crazy, it sounds more like a plot for a movie. Indeed, and I wish this wasn't the case. I will leave it at that tonight, because I am tired and can only hope tomorrow is a better day.
No comments:
Post a Comment