Tonight's picture was taken in the Spring of 2006. Mattie was four years old and by that point he was truly thriving. He loved his school, made solid friendships, had amazing teachers, and the community became a place where I was destined to make life long friendships. It is hard to believe that Mattie and his preschool no longer exist. Since I was taking this photo, it means that it was my day to assist the teachers in the classroom. Since the school was a co-op, parents were required to assist monthly. I certainly welcomed being in the classroom because I wanted to understand what Mattie was learning, see Mattie in action, and get to know all his classmates.
Quote of the day: Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none. ~ William Shakespeare
I did my usual Sunday routine and took my parents out for brunch. When I got home, I immediately headed for the garden. Yes it was over 90 degrees outside and very humid. That did not stop me. The mosquitoes and gnats are awful, and though I hate wearing it, the OFF bug spray came out. Otherwise, I am eaten alive. I haven't found anything else that works as effectively in the garden. Weeding for me is like trying to hold back the ocean. Mainly because whatever I do today, by next week, the weeds will be right back. Most people around me let their weeds grow, but for me it is therapeutic to be outside, pulling weeds, and trying to make things look beautiful.
I think working in my garden and beautifying my surroundings are about the only things I have control over in my life. I can't control my parent's decline, I can't control that I am divorced, and I couldn't control Mattie's diagnosis and death. It is a very sobering reality to know that we have no control over the things in our lives that matter the most. Accepting that reality is hard and while the world is spinning around me, people are living what I deem more normal and happier lives, I am faced with trying to figure how to carry on each day. This feeling is not new to me, because when Mattie died, his death was so profound. My life literally stopped. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore. My foundation was shaken to the core and I guess I expected the rest of the world to feel this same sadness with me. But that isn't how grief and trauma work. These events can certainly impact a community, but at the end of the day, the person most affected is the individual who suffered the loss of trauma. That is also a sobering reality, or at least my reality.
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