Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. This has to be one of my favorite photos! We took Mattie to the island of Coronado in San Diego. The red turrets in the background belong to the iconic Hotel Del Coronado! That afternoon we went for a bicycle ride on the island and stopped in the perfect location to get this special photo! Mattie looked like the picture of health and at that point in time the notion of childhood cancer was no where on our radar scope. Of course by the following summer, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer and the fun, happiness, and plans for our future ended.
Quote of the day: I've never been in love, but I've always imagined it--weirdly--like some sort of OxiClean commercial. The TV host shows a scene from an ordinary day, and then takes a big old sponge soaked in love and swipes away the stains. Suddenly that same scene is missing all the mistakes, all the loneliness. The colors are like jewels, ten times richer than they were before. The music is louder and clearer. "Love," the host will say, "makes life a little brighter." ~ Jodi Picoult
This morning, I got a text message from the fellow who helps me with my lawn, sprinklers, and trees. He wanted to let me know he was coming over to deal with weeds growing in the grass. I have gotten to know Steve quite well over the last two years, and I appreciate him checking in with me to see what is working and what needs attention. However, we both are not strangers to traumas. Our traumas are different of course, but ironically the outcome looks similar. I think the tell tale sign of someone being a trauma survivor is disengagement. We disengage from those we were once close to, most likely for various reasons. But the key reasons being fear, safety, feeling misunderstood or judged, and not having the emotional bandwidth to absorb the lives, thoughts, and feelings of others. In a way, it can become a very 'them versus us' mentality.
Before our conversation ended today, Steve wanted me to know how easy it is to talk to me, how understanding I am, and though talking doesn't change his situation or mine, we at least feel heard. Which brings me to my point. It is a very powerful and empowering feeling to discover YOU ARE NOT ALONE, that someone else in the world understands your thoughts, feelings, and insecurities. Not because they are just listening and giving you platitudes, but because they too have experience with something similar. Of course the immediate difference I find when talking with someone working through a trauma, is we both know there are NO QUICK fixes. It is painful, it can consume you, and these experiences impact our ability to move forward in the world to trust, love, and engage again. I am not saying that we like these outcomes in our ourselves, but we know they exist and we also know that saying things will get better to us, or you won't always feel that way, is pointless. It is pointless because right now, IN THIS MOMENT, we are hurting and that hurt needs to be acknowledged.
I spoke to Steve for an hour. Which was wonderful, but in my house I run on a tight time line. I have morning chores, have to make breakfast, and I always have to factor in time to get my dad up, showered, dressed and downstairs for breakfast. Today I felt extra pressure because my dad's physical therapist was coming over for a session. So literally after I spoke to Steve, I ran upstairs to start my routine with my dad. Personally I find it exhausting to never have a free moment, a moment where I can choose how I spend my time, or time to talk with someone without worrying about the next task or issue I have to address. This is the life of a primary family caregiver and most days I just take a deep breath and move on, but there are other days, when people around me are trying to talk to me, and I get frustrated that I can't have a conversation in peace. For example, I took my parents out to lunch today. We visit this restaurant weekly. We know many of the servers there and each week, this one fellow comes to chat with me. I am learning about his college work, personal struggles, and today he was telling me how his car was hit by another driver. Unfortunately we were having this conversation after we had lunch and we were on the way out of the restaurant. Though I stopped to talk to this fellow, my dad kept walking to the door of the restaurant. Typically he can't get too far, but today, other customers held the doors open for him, and literally within minutes he was outside on the sidewalk. I never let him out of my sight, so I told the server I couldn't talk with him and went running outside the restaurant. While running out the door, I told the server, that we would pick up this conversation next week.... and we will, not unlike a serial!
When I got home, I realized I forgot to go grocery shopping after my dad's therapist left this morning. So I got my list together and headed back out while my parent's were resting. While in the parking lot I noticed a mom with her baby in her arms. This baby was very social. She literally was waving at each shopper who passed her by. Here's what I noticed, every adult that passed the baby, smiled and waved back. I am not sure why this caught my attention, but it did. I guess this stunned me because typically shoppers are hustling and bustling about and not paying attention to one another. But this baby got many people to stop in their tracks and be mindful of that moment. Was it because the baby was cute? Was it because the baby symbolizes some sort of innocence? Would this have happened with any baby passing them by? Yes this is how my mind works. I am constantly trying to understand the actions and behaviors of people all around me, and given that we live in a complex world where killing one another seems so commonplace, I paused and thought.... what if we could capture and harness the positive feelings people got today from this interaction with a baby? Could that positivity influence their next human interaction and course correct their overall day? I have no answers, but I do know for myself having positive moments/interactions can help counteract the negativity I am feeling and experiencing. May we all actively work on being someone's positivity today, it isn't always easy to do, but I do believe one person can make a difference in the lives of others (even without us knowing it).
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