This picture was taken a month before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Mattie loved our cat, Patches, and even as he was dying in the hospital, he asked for Patches to visit. I regret that we were unable to do this, but fortunately my parents bought Mattie a fish, "Super Red," which he enjoyed. But as you know Super Red was VERY short lived. He only lived for 24 hours, and like Mattie died on September 8.
Poem of the day (Thank you Kristi!): I'm an Angel Now by: Janice Grogen
One night I cried to Jesus as I sat beneath a tree
I looked into the open sky and hoped
He would answer me..I'm lost dear Lord,
I've traveled far, but still I seem to roam
Please light the way and lead me Lord,
I need to get back home...
I told Him of my burdens, and of the sadness in my heart
That from His gracious love,
I'd never felt so far apart....
Why did you take my child Lord?
I cannot understand!
No longer can I touch his face, or hold his tiny hand...
I'm angry Lord, I'm missing him,
I'm drowning in my sorrow
Please help to heal my yesterday and face each new tomorrow...
It was then I heard his gentle voice and felt his presence near
How I wanted so to hold him as I cried another tear...
He said, "Mommy, I am an angel now, my spirit is free
I'm an angel now in Heaven,
so please don't cry for me
I was chosen by our Lord above and now
I'm in His care When you need me, look inside your heart,
I promise to be there
No one can ever take away our bond
For I'll always be your precious baby, as you will be my mother
So if you cannot find your way, or the road to home seems far
Just look up to the Heavens...and I'll be your guiding star
He said, "Mommy, I'm an angel now, my spirit is free
I'm an angel now in Heaven, no need to cry for me..."
This afternoon, I went to the mall with Ann and her girls. I haven’t been around children for a while, and hearing their conversations, their plans, and the topics that brought them fun and excitement was memorable to hear. Katie was chatting about her plans for her birthday party, and I was engaged in her dialogue, her ideas, and I found her energy was contagious. Nonetheless, when I see Ann interacting with her children, I can’t help but be reminded of my life without Mattie. A life in which I won’t hear him telling me he loves me to the moon and back, and my joke with him now no longer applies, which was he was going to be my baby even when he was 80. He always got a chuckle out of that, as did I!
As the day continued on, I decided to drive home and sort through Mattie’s artwork and label it. Mattie was such a prolific artist this year that I felt his creative side was important to display during the reception. Mind you I haven’t been home in two weeks, and frankly I did not give much thought to the fact that I was heading home, well that is until I drove into our garage. Once I was in the garage, I was immediately flooded with the fact that Mattie wasn’t with me. Even my parking space reminded me of him. I notice now while I am driving that occasionally I look in the back seat through my rearview mirror, hoping to see Mattie. Of course there is nothing to be seen, though today, when I looked in the mirror, I did see Mattie’s Sponge Bob blanket, and this took me back for a minute or two. My reaction to the garage only started a domino effect of feelings, and it was hard to shake that feeling for the rest of the afternoon.
I located a lot of wonderful Mattie pieces to display, and as I started making piles of artwork, I also decided to label each piece with a description. The irony is that I remember Mattie making each and every piece. It is ironic, because Mattie could generate a ton of art in just one week in the PICU, yet despite that, I have a snapshot memory of the times he created these pieces. Mattie’s artwork reminds me of him, our year together fighting cancer, and what I find is that each piece captures his energy, spirit, and spark. For me, I can almost feel this energy by looking at the art objects. In fact, as I was touching his valentine’s box that he made me, which is filled with actual paper valentine’s, I couldn’t help but stop and appreciate that his little hands touched all the paper inside, and the love he put into cutting and drawing each of these cards stopped me in my tracks. This, along with a bunch of others, was a hard task to face. I think a part of me has procrastinated on this and other funeral related items because one thing became clear to me today. Once the funeral is over, I have NO MORE motherly tasks to perform for Mattie! There will be nothing else to take care of for him, and then of course my true feelings of being lost and directionless will take hold. On some level, I guess a part of me wishes that October 10th would never get here.
October 10th signifies a good-bye to Mattie’s physical presence, but by saying good-bye to his physical presence in a way may signify to others a closing of a chapter in my life and Peter’s. I can assure you it won’t be that easy for us because at the end of the day no one’s life is as profoundly changed as our. We are the ones who have to go home to a childless house, and accept a life without Mattie in it each day. We won’t be hearing his laughter, his songs, his antics, his experiments, and of course will not be experiencing his pranks. Yes we know Mattie isn’t coming back, but there are times this reality can be too much to handle. I am certainly not minimizing anyone else’s grief about Mattie, but I am simply saying for us this is something that we may never get over. This is not pathological or dysfunctional, it is just what it is!
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Well, Mattie certainly left us many examples of love and how to live life in the short time he was with us. The importance of connections, human connectionsare one of his life gifts to all of us. I appreciate Mattie's spirit and his never ending battle to remake the situations he found himself in (physical therapy,home, art therapy, school, etc) into something that he found fulfilling and/or fun. How much better our world would be if we worked at remaking situations rather than accepting them as is or abandoning them altogether. Vicki, right now it sounds like you are trying to figure out if you go forward without Mattie or stay where you are, immersed in his memories; maybe there is a path where you can go forward and use your memories of Mattie to build something new and meaningful to do? If you can, it won't be easy, but I think it might be what you are looking for and it would be a way to honor the bond you, Peter and Mattie have that can never be broken."
1 comment:
Hi Vicky
Each and every day as I read the blog I want to reach out, hug you and make some comment but feel I shouldn't as it isn't my place. I don't know you personally and I never met Mattie but through reading the blog daily I feel that I am part of your life.
I mentioned before, in an earlier comment, that I lost two brothers when I was seven and a nephew when he was seven, all through accidents. I still believe that they are my brothers and my nephew all though they are not physically here on earth with me. Likewise, you will ALWAYS be Mattie's Mom and you would be doing him a disservice if you couldn't continue to talk about him and his antics and you will find a way too use all you have been through in the last 14 months to help others. It may be through your work, the Foundation you are setting up or some other method Your little boy packed a whole lifetime in to seven years and was a credit to the upbringing that you and Peter gave him. He would want you to go on doing something in his name & I hope you will be able to do it with pride.
When I talk about Allan, David & Christopher I don't feel the need to explain that they are no longer with us but sometimes it comes up and I have to explain. This wasn't easy in the early days but now, over 40 years since my brothers died and 20 years since my nephew died, I can tell them without getting upset (most of the time!). I want people to know that they were in my life and that I was proud of them.
My Mum died three years ago and I understand the feeling of being hit by a train when you look and expect them to be sitting somewhere and they aren't, or you go to tell them something and you can't. It is like you have just remembered the instant when you lost them all over again.
You have been so incredibly brave so far dealing with the funeral and putting the plans in place for his celebration of life. The photographs and artwork must be such an ordeal but I am betting that you will be laughing at a memory one moment and crying at the thought of never being able to make those sort of memories again the next. This is still such early days and all of this is so very normal.
The incident with your car seat and Peter's wrist band made me smile. I believe that somehow there is a life after but your little boy has already found a way to cross between the two and is making sure that you still know he is around. We have had many instances of this over the years.
I am sorry if I am being a nuisance by still sending you comments, I really don't want to intrude but I just thought that someone else experiences of losing close family members may help. I am aware that there is a huge difference between losing a son and brothers or a nephew.
Maty
maty.mitchell@ntlworld.com
(I don't expect any response, just wanted you to know I am not some sort of stalker really!)
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