Thursday, October 8, 2009Tonight's picture features Mattie with three United Airlines employees who came to the hospital to visit children and to give them teddy bears. These three United folks were curious about Mattie's art project, so they came over to talk with him and Mattie explained his project to them. They wanted to take a picture with him that day and he easily complied with that request.
Poem of the day: Inner Tempest Stilled by Beenie LegatoSometimes I sense a little flutter
Like a shadow swiftly slipping by,
Or I hear a silent, gentle murmur,
Like a soft whisper from the the sky.
Sometimes I hear you call my name
Or clearly see your face before me.
And I feel you are with me still.
The peacefully....I come to know
As I am thinking happy thoughts of you,
You, my son, are thinking of me too.
Loving memories fill my aching heart.
As dreaming dreams of what could be...
Or might have been, if you were here.
Until the piercing pain of losing you
Comes tumbling down on trembling fear.
And clearly once again I hear you say,
"But Mom....What if I had never been?
You could not then in Love, remember me."
Today, Peter and I moved back home after spending two and a half weeks with Ann and her family. It is a strange feeling to be home, but I have concluded I am SO numb, you could transplant me anywhere, and my reaction will pretty much be the same. Peter and I accomplished a lot today, and in the afternoon we met with Father Jim Greenfield. Jim is the priest who gave Peter and I pre-cana before we were married, baptized Mattie, and now seven years later is presiding over Mattie's funeral. Who would have imagined such a happy picture turning out SO badly!?
We had a wonderful conversation with Jim, and he got us to stop and reflect on how Mattie's death is affecting us as individuals and as a couple. Clearly the very main way it is affecting us as a couple at the moment, is the simple fact that Peter and I are grieving differently. Peter is much more in touch with his emotions than I am. He has no problem crying in appropriate circumstances, whereas, for me (who normally cries over a hallmark commercial), am unable to cry. Peter commented to Jim that this is SO unlike me, and at first he misinterpreted by non-reaction to Mattie's death. But then he realized that we are simply grieving differently, but perhaps feeling the same way on the inside. I am very well aware of my "doing" philosophy that I am using to maintain stability, and interestingly enough Jim commented that Sully's illness and death, though tragic, came into my life at the right time. There is so much truth to that. I needed someone to intensely care for, and others who I perceived needed me. It is hard to move from living in a PICU, and caring for my dear Mattie, to caring for nothing, to be responsible for nothing. That left me paralyzed. Peter is worried however, that because I haven't dealt with my emotions (which is correct!), that Saturday could be a very trying day for me. Perhaps he is right, but at this point, however I react, I am hoping that others will just understand. I may cry, but I may not. But I assure you regardless of how I react, my world very much feels like it has ended. I may not show it on the outside, but there is a lot going on, on the inside. Hopefully my blog postings indicate the inner turmoil I am living with.
This evening, I went back to visit Ann's mom, Mary, at the assisted living facility. I am glad that I did, because we had a nice conversation. She said the following, "why are you SO understanding?" My response was we were both understanding because we both lived through the death of our sons. This alone profoundly changes you forever. Either you can change and become hardened, or you can try to find a way to channel the hurt and pain to help others. I am hoping I am doing the latter.
This evening, Peter and I are picking up my parents at the airport. They are coming into town for the funeral, and Peter's family comes into town tomorrow. At the moment, I am very, very tired, and do not feel like I have much more to give to myself or anyone else for that matter. In the midst of feeling like I could collapse, I am in awe of the women working behind the scenes to make Mattie's reception, art show, and celebration of life ceremony a success. How do you ever thank these Team Mattie members? I don't know, but I am deeply moved and humbled by their acts of kindness and love. They are almost too wonderful to be true!
Thank you Tamra for a lovely dinner! That was so thoughtful of you to think of us on our first night home. We also want to thank Liza for the lovely homemade pound cake. I know how special this recipe is to your family, so I appreciate you sharing it with me!
One more day left until Mattie's funeral, and I am trying to come to peace with this. I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages I received today. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am glad you went to the spa and relaxed enough to fall asleep. This is the time to treat yourself kindly and with gentle care with respect for your body, your heart and your mind. It is good to hear that things are coming together for Saturday's service and so many thanks to the Mattie supporters who are making it happen; this is more than one or two people could possibly do.I see this as one of Mattie's lasting gifts, that a group of disparate people could come together, each bringing their special skills to bear to make things happen as they should. A life lesson, that given a worthy goal, everyone has a part to play in making it a success. None of us, touched by this will forget Mattie; certainly not his doctors, his nurses, his care team (including Jey), the Team Mattie supporter and those of us who love and care about you and Peter. Mattie's legacy will be with us all for a very long time."
The second message is from a former student of mine. Betsy wrote, "I know that Saturday is an enormous day. It is the day that all of Mattie's friends and family come to show how much he meant to them. It is your chance to try to express publicly how this 7 year old boy filled your life and made you a better person. And of course, it is your chance to "officially" say good bye to your beloved son. It will be an emotionally filled day. I know that it will be beautiful, and that Mattie will be so honored, proud, touched, and happy to see everyone that attends, hear every one's words, see his artwork and his pictures. I know it will be difficult for you, but also enjoyable to see just how much love Mattie brought to the world. My only words of advice are to try to soak it all in. Soak in the tremendous impact this little 7 year old boy had on this world. How this little tiny being that you and Peter created changed so many lives and made this world such a better place. Let the feelings of warmth and compassion that you receive from everyone fill you up. Those warm feelings will help you get through the difficult days ahead. I know you fear that once the funeral is over, Mattie will start to be forgotten. That your motherly duties will be over. I'm telling you that this is not true. It is clear to me from your blog that Mattie can not be forgotten by this world. He seems to have had so many gifts, and shared those gifts with as many people as possible. He had such an incredible impact on the medical community - helping to reinforce to so many of them that the career they had chosen was the right one. He created beautiful pieces of artwork and used his wonderful imagination in ways that drew people in - not only children, but grown-ups who so very often forget the fun parts of every day life. These gifts will not be forgotten, instead they are inside of everyone he knew, and are a part of all of the lucky people who were part of his life. These people are changed in a positive way forever because of Mattie. They know it, and they will not forget it. Mattie can not be forgotten. I know that you do not have the normal motherly duties that you wish you had. And that is so extremely unfair and achingly horrible. While they aren't the same, you will find new ways to feel like Mattie's mom. Whether it is through the Mattie Miracle Foundation, or through your teaching, or some other way, you will always continue your nurturing love for Mattie. For he is so much a part of you, as you live your life, you continue to show him how to be a loving and wonderful person. And as a mom, that is what I most want to teach my children - how to be loving and good people. It is obvious that Mattie left this world knowing how to be an amazing person well beyond his years. But as he continues to learn from you throughout the rest of your life, he will become even better and better, more and more amazing. And when you do finally meet him in the next life, you will be so proud of all of your hard work. Especially the hard work that you go through during the grieving process. My heart continues to go out to you. I ache for your loss and wish I could give you a hug from mom to mom. You and Mattie have taught me to be a better mom. So I thank you for that."
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