Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

This picture features Mattie being silly on our staircase! Got to love his sense of humor!

Poem of the day (Thanks Charlie!): Longing For One More Day

When we lose someone we love it seems that time stands still. What moves through us is a silence... a quiet sadness... A longing for one more day... one more word... one more touch... We may not understand why you left this earth so soon, or why you left before we were ready to say good-bye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that you died, but that you lived. And that your life gave us memories too beautiful to forget. We will see you again some day, in a heavenly place where there is no parting. A place where there are no words that mean good-bye.

This morning after saying good-bye to Ann, I sat down at her kitchen table and worked on Mattie's eulogy. I had started it last week. Actually starting it was impossible, but for some reason things seemed to flow better today. I still have to work on it, but at least something is on paper now. Later in the afternoon, I headed home for a while. I treated myself to a visit to a spa today. Somehow sitting still for several hours was VERY needed. In fact, I think I fell asleep at some point while there, which was wonderful. It felt very good to just shut off, something that I have a very hard time doing.

Later in the day, I visited Ann's mom. I think trying to come to terms with a loved one's death is almost impossible, and at the moment, both Mary and I seem to be paralyzed in terms of emotions. I just can't believe it is Wednesday, and there are only three days until Mattie's funeral. In some ways I am ready for the event, and in other ways you have to wonder what happens when it is all over?! I am not sure. However, I want to make sure my readers understand that there is a WHOLE team working on the plans for the reception and celebration. Team Mattie is in full force, and to them I am forever grateful. These women are working hard to make sure our every desire for this event is carried out. Thank you Olivia, Tamra, Ann, Alison, Christine and Ellen for spearheading all of this.

I somehow do not have as much to say tonight. Maybe I am just psychologically tired, or things are just weighing on my mind. Not sure. However, I am looking forward to previewing the video
of Mattie's life that Mary, Mattie's technology teacher, created. This is the video that will be used to start our celebration of life ceremony. Mary is another person I am deeply grateful for, not only did she visit Mattie often in the hospital, but she freely undertook this major video project, and I assure you I threw a lot of pictures and videos at Mary. Any case, I will give you an update about the video tomorrow. As always, thank you for your support, for your e-mails, and for continuing to read the blog!


I would like to end tonight's posting with three message. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Yesterday's blog gave me pause with the comments from Olivia about "turning one's feelings on and off" and your remark and the picture of Mother's Day. I know that it seems too far to be concerned about all this but we are coming into the holiday season and I know that so many of your memories of Mattie center around Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. In fact Halloween is just three weeks after the service. From what I have read and what I have gleaned from others this is going to be a rough time and you might want to consider how you want to spend the holiday rather than letting it happen. Choose to be at the door with candy or choose to be elsewhere, but give it some thought and then make a conscious decision about what is right for you this year. Next year may be different but right now, give thought to what you wish to do this time. Either decision honors Mattie; to give out candy in his memory or to do something else becasue the holiday was so special to him as long as it iis a decision you and Peter make. For now, I wish you peace with the decisions you have already made and thanks for sitting with Ann and Mary in their time of sorrow."





The second message is from Mattie's social worker at Georgetown Hospital. Denise wrote, "Mattie's death has affected me in a most profound way that I don't quite understand. Every time that I go to write or speak about it, a huge lump develops in my throat and tears well in my eyes. I somehow was not prepared for it and thought Mattie had a little more time. It has been difficult to go on the floor which just does not seem the same. While we don't want any family to have to live in the hospital the way you all did, you brought a special presence and joie de vivre to the floor(even if that was not how you were feeling). It was lively and full of life. It now seems quiet and solemn. Everything around here is a reminder of Mattie's presence, cardboard boxes sitting out in the hall, staff members with the "faith, love, hope" necklaces that you gave us for Christmas, the playroom and searching for Mattie's creations, a child's wheelchair and thinking of how Mattie liked to play hide and seek in the clinic. As we plan for the upcoming holidays I think of Mattie and how much he enjoyed making holiday crafts and decorating his room in the holiday themes. I don't think that I have ever met a child like Mattie. In his youthfulness, he modeled something about living life, about embracing all the blessings that God gifted you with, about being all that you were created to be that has touched me in some special way. Perhaps it was the courage with which he faced the challenges set before him or the wisdom embodied in a little boy. I don't know what it is, but I do know that his living has had an impact on me that challenges me to want to live my life more fully. My heart aches for the two of you because you have lost your precious Mattie. I so want to fix this and it hurts so bad that I can't. I know each of us has to travel our own road with our grief and that the pain of grief is part of the process. I just don't want it to be. I don't want you to be in this place. I don't want to be in this place. I know that I have been stuck, first in shock and now in denial. My heart hurts too for the loss of Mattie and I know that my mind is protecting me from feeling the pain of it until I am ready to handle it. From time to time, I check in on you through your blog. I am happy that you are still writing it. I feel like it's helpful to you and at the same time you are helping so many other people with their grief as they draw upon your insightfulness, candor and strength. I know that Mattie will continue to be with us, to inspire us and challenge us to be more. Mattie was not ordinary, he was an extraordinary little boy. You and your family have my prayers for comfort, for peace, for healing. May the work that you are doing continue to be blessed. May you know that the blessing of Mattie will never be forgotten."





The final message is from Mattie's favorite CT tech at Georgetown and Mattie's big brother. Jey wrote, "I hope you both had a needed nights sleep. As I continue to read the blog and about the updates of how Ann's parent's are doing particually Sully I can't help but to feel like you both have gone through too much this past year and some odd months and I can't imagine how you are able to function without losing your minds ... ... I commend you both for all of your efforts. I think I have said it before but I know that it can't be said enough but my little brother was given the parents he could have ever wanted and Ann has the best friends she could ever find. I am sure she appreciates you just as much you appreciate each other. Don't know if I ever told you but I am truly sorry for the life changing experience that you were forced to face this year I can't say that I know exactly how you feel because losing a parent is completely different from losing a child but in losing both you gain strength and you gain true friendships, Friendships that mean more everyday and give you new hopes everyday and new strengths everyday I pray that all of these new experiences continue to help you and Peter everyday. I am looking forward to The Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation getting up and running. I know that so many kids will benefit from the knowledge gained behind your tireless efforts, true other people are helping to get this off the ground but it is your desire and determinaton that is the driving force that is moving this project ahead at full speed. In reading the blog I have taken notice to fact that you have made references to Mattie's funeral and celebration of life Ceremony being a good-bye for some people and although this could very well be true I don't see how anyone who really took the time to meet Mattie and grow to love him the way he is truly loved could really say good-bye in fact I think that if anyone can put these words in thought and allow them to part from there lips really didn't love my little brother as much as they would like you to believe. Me personally it's not good-bye but I will see you later just as I always told him ...... I will see you later. I learned early on as a kid that saying good-bye is forever and that you don't want to see them again but I will see you later truly means just that and like you and Peter I want to see my little brother again. True he may look completely different with his new glow halo and wings but I'll know it's him just from the smile on his face."