Sunday, November 1, 2009Tonight's picture was taken in the Lombardi Clinic of Georgetown University's hospital. In the picture you can see one of Mattie's best cardboard box projects..... his Halloween House! The house features fantastic ghosts and witches! This box was on display during his celebration of life reception, and now sits in his room in our home. I shall never forget the creation of the Halloween House, or the incredible energy and enthusiasm Mattie generated within himself and within those around him with this project.
Poem of the day: Please Don't Cry by Dawn GlentonPlease don't sit round my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.
What makes you think that I would leave?
I'm with you mom, so please don't grieve.
Our bond on earth was much too strong,
Our love will carry on and on...
I'm with you as you go to bed,
I plant sweet kisses on your head.
I'm in the wind, the rain, the snow,
I'm with you everywhere you go.
Please don't cry mommy, can't you see?
I'm safe, my spirit soars, I'm free.
Today was one of those days in which the reality of Mattie's death hit me hard. I woke up feeling this way and sat in bed looking at pictures of Mattie, and really felt paralyzed to do anything else. Peter was out doing chores, but when he came home, he came upstairs to say good morning to me, and he could clearly see I was in need of company. He sat by my side and said nothing, but just held me. There are days I can process Mattie's loss better than others, but today, the reality was evident. Mattie is dead, I will not be seeing him in this physical world, and my role as a mom has also died with him. All of this is hard to face on a good day, but on a day like today, the feelings took my breath away. It is very hard to accept the fact that my once healthy and beautiful son is not here with us and that at age 7 we are forced to say good-bye to him and to the future we thought we were to have together.
In the midst of these deep emotional feelings, Peter and I looked out the window of our bedroom, and we saw a car on Route 66 that was backing up on the on ramp (in essence going the wrong direction). It was such a ridiculous and questionable sight to see that it made both of us stop what we were doing, and I burst out into laughter. This dangerous sight jolted me out of my funk periodically. Long enough to get up, cook breakfast, and get dressed.
Peter told me while he was at the grocery store this morning that he saw a mom with her two daughters having an argument right in the doorway of the store. Peter said it took every ounce of energy he had not to go up to her and give her a lecture. The lecture being instead of yelling at the girls because they did not want to hold hands with each other, that she should just appreciate the simple fact that she is lucky enough to have her two daughters in her life. Naturally as a parent, I remember the sheer frustration that raising a child can produce sometimes, but I guess the bottom line is now my mind set is just altered and forever different. Once you experience the death of a child, what truly matters becomes clearer, and the arguing and daily frustrations no longer seem relevant or important.
Peter and I did go out together for a little while today, but I found I was getting tired and also I did not want to be around a lot of people. So we headed back home and I slept for two more hours. I find that my body and mind have paid a high price for living under intense stress for over a year. I am chronically tired, and this intense fatigue affects my mood, energy level, and also my ability to concentrate on anything for long periods of time. I was once a person who could sit still for hours and read (articles, student papers, books, etc...) now I can't focus on more than two pages of content at a time. At times I get upset with myself, but during these moments, I try to step back and be more forgiving. It will take a while to build myself back up after the loss of Mattie, and I just need to be kinder to myself and allow myself this time to be and feel whatever I need to be.
My parents had two of the poster sized photos (which were on display at the celebration of life reception) professionally framed for us. We picked up these beautiful framed photos today, and we began hanging them in our home, trying to find just the right walls to display them. These photos are almost life like and they capture Mattie's spirit beautifully. I am so happy to have these photos preserved in such special frames. I had worries that I would forget Mattie's beautiful face over time, but these photos serve as constant reminders. However, I now see that the beauty of my son is within me, and I will never forget his face or his smile, and if I do, I only need to look in the nearest mirror, because we looked that much alike.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "It sounds like you managed Halloween pretty well considering everything. I agree, that it was unthinkable that Mattie would not be here to celebrate Halloween so quickly after finishing treatment. I was thinking about Mattie when we went out to buy candy for this year; we usually have a variety of chocolates to give out, but I told my husband, some children don't like chocolate (he thought I was nuts, I am sure, but I was thinking of Mattie) and so I bought some other candy as well. We offered choices at the door and every time someone chose other than chocolate, I thought of Mattie although with his entrepreneurial spirit, if he thought chocolate might have gotten a better price, he might have gone for that! I am amazed at how his spirit permeates so much of what I do although I did not really interact with him and I cannot begin to conceive of how it is for you. You are in my thoughts today."
The second message is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "I loved the picture of Mattie as a Mummy! How clever and self caring of him to pick out something that would fit his situation. He was so aware of his needs at such an early age. As I've said to you a number of times, he had a wise, older soul for such a young boy. I am one of those people who wasn't raised with Halloween as a 'big deal.' I guess I dressed up, although, I can't remember doing so. As an educator, this was my least favorite holiday. It was a hard time for children who didn't have a costume equal to others and there was so much sugar, too much for many. I am so glad that Ann and you share so much. It is Very Important, under any circumstances, and with you adjusting to all of these activities without Mattie , it is even more. I am grateful that Mary is there for you too. Not only do you, both, share the death of your sons, you are sharing the grief process together with Mattie and Sully's death. I don't think I told you how sad I was when I read of Sully's death. Once, again, you gave to another while you are hurting yourself. The poem from Kristi is such a powerful reminder to each of us to show our feelings for we don't know what is in store for us. I thought of Mattie today as I sat in synagogue for the first time in a few weeks. It was the 6th anniversary of my Dad's death. During the Sabbath and other days when we read from the Torah, there is a prayer of healing. You know that I included Mattie each time this was said, hoping that it would help. It was difficult not telling the leader to include him this time. My one consoling thought was that G-d gives eternal life to the departed and watches over our loved ones for us. Each of your treasured memories is similar, it gives Mattie, an eternal life. I hope that you are feeling better physically and I am glad that you are with so many of your special friends and family. We are going to be away for the week, visiting Disney World with my daughter's family. I can't wait to see this fun place through my grandchildren's eyes. It reminds me how wonderful it is that you have so many visual memories of Mattie. Keep 'em coming! I love learning about him and you this way."
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