Thursday, November 5, 2009

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Tonight's picture features Mattie with Linda (Mattie's childlife specialist at Georgetown). Clearly you can see Mattie is all bandaged up from his second major limb salvaging surgery. To keep him stimulated, Jenny and Jessie (Mattie's art therapists) contacted Mattie's occupational therapist, Kathie for some ideas of what activities would be helpful and interesting for Mattie to do while quarantined in his bed. Kathie suggested that Jenny and Jessie make a fishing pole and a pretend pond with magnetic fish. You can see the pond is comprised of packing pop-its and Mattie is using his right arm to try to fish. I still have this fishing set in my living room (NATURALLY!), mainly because this set was a God sent and brought a smile to Mattie's face even under the most trying and painful times. I want you to also note Linda's smiling face. It is true that Linda is an upbeat, down to earth, energetic, and positive individual, nonetheless, Mattie (from my perspective) had a way of getting her to smile or almost beam. I always enjoyed watching their special dynamic together.

Poem of the day: Precious Loan

God blesses us each with so many things
And sometimes that blessing is a child.
He chooses a special angel, picked just for you
And loans them to you for awhile.
From the time they arrive
They hold your heart in their hands
And add countless precious moments to your life
And each night we bow down and ask the good Lord above
To protect them and keep them from strife.
For this oh so precious gift, God doesn't ask a large fee.
“Just love and care for them, and teach them of Me.”
So we do what we can, We work hard and we pray
And watch them blossom and grow
With each passing day.
Not one of us knows how long they'll be here
Or when God will call for his loan,
And take that special angel, picked just for you
Back to his glorious home.
But he made us a promise and I have no doubt,
He will carry you through this great sorrow.
Because when it's your time, he'll be first to greet you
And you'll be blessed with an eternity of tomorrows.


I want to begin tonight's posting with a message that was posted on Sammie's website today. As most of my loyal bloggers know, Sammie died in October of 2009 from Osteosarcoma. Sammie's mom, Chris, had been dealing with Sammie's pending death for months, and I would read Sammie's website in awe of Sammie and Chris' strength and courage. Not ever knowing that I would be facing Mattie's death at the same time. Chris posted the following message today about a little boy named Noah. I have no doubt receiving a card would brighten this boy's day as he celebrates his last Christmas a month early. Thank you for considering to send a card or learning more about Noah.

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A little boy from South Lyon named Noah is in the last stages of a 2 1/2 year battle with Neuroblastoma cancer. His family is celebrating Christmas this week and Noah's request is to get lots of Christmas cards. Please send a card to him at:


Noah Biorkman
1141 Fountain View Circle
South Lyon, MI 48178


This link is news coverage of Noah and his final request: http://www.clickondetroit.com/video/21525126/index.html
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This afternoon, I had the opportunity to pick up Ann's children near Mattie's lower school campus. I guess this is like desensitization in a way. I am very uncertain about returning to Mattie's campus. So I am taking it in stages. I have visualized it, driven close by to the campus, and today I parked about two blocks away. As I was waiting for the children to arrive to my car, I could feel all sorts of emotions from within. It was almost like I was going to be physically sick to my stomach. As I saw moms in their cars passing me, the only thing that I could think of is the major difference between themselves and me. On Sunday, Peter and I will be attending a memorial service at Georgetown Hospital for all the children who died at the hospital. At the event, we are asked to bring a picture of Mattie and we can also say a few words. So while sitting in the car today, I couldn't help but reflect on the fact that here I am headed to my son's second memorial service while other moms are zipping passed me focused on typical (and healthy) mom like issues and worries. When you do such a comparison, it is a real wake up call. It also verifies for me just how profoundly different my world is from those around me.

I had the opportunity to drive home with Ann's youngest daughter, Abigail, and Katharina (Tanja's daughter). In the back seat, where the children were, is a box filled with Mattie car toys. They both had no hesitation to open the box and explore it. Which is fascinating in and of itself, because I think most adults would have paused or maybe not even opened the box for various reasons. But the children had no fears or hang ups about seeing what Mattie enjoyed to play with in the car. In true Mattie fashion the box was filled with what else? Plastic bugs and fake spiders. So Abigail and Katharina had a ball freaking me out while I was driving. Don't be concerned about this, because I became a pro of a driver thanks to Mattie. He would always try to trick me or scare me with something creepy while I was driving. So in essence today it was like having two Mattie's sitting in the back seat. In fact, Abigail asked me if Mattie would have approved of the way they were scaring me. She went on to say, "we are Mattie helpers down here on earth." After hearing this terminology, it made me pause, and also appreciate the way Mattie impacted his friends.

Each of Ann's children had a test to study for today, so I can officially say that my mind was stimulated this week. I have learned about things I either forgot about or never learned in grade school to begin with. The one thing I have discovered is caring for Ann's children enables me to forget some aspects of my sadness at times, and then of course, there are times when you can't help but be forced to examine what is missing in your own life.

Mornings and night times are generally the hardest times of the day for me, because this was when I was very busy with Mattie (when he was well). I do miss tucking him in at night, reading with him, and having a moment where we could snuggle next to each other and chat. With Mattie, sitting still wasn't his forte, but at bedtime a different side of Mattie would emerge. His tender side became apparent. There were some nights, when he was well, that I really felt too tired to do his nighttime routine, but somehow I always found inner resources to pull from. I am so happy I always did because I would have hated looking back now with regrets.


I would like to end tonight's blog with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "When I read the stories about Mattie I find myself wondering what would he have been? An explorer, an archaeologist, an engineer, an artist, an entomologist? Maybe some other career that doesn't even exist yet. What a loss to all of us. So many things make me think of him, bugs (especially), but also articles about dinosaurs, catalogs with science experiments, magic shows,art materials and the list goes on. And of course anytime I pass the Dunkin' Donuts and either see the sign or smell the donuts. It's amazing. I am glad you have the opportunity to interact with Ann's children while she is away and I commend you on your courage for doing so. It sounds like this is a good situation for all of you. Today, have a moment of peace and know that many of us out here are thinking about Mattie and keeping his memory alive and well."



The second message is a note I received from Tricia. Tricia was one of Mattie's favorite HEM/ONC nurses. Some of you may recall that Tricia delivered me hot tea each morning when she was caring for Mattie. I have very fond memories of Tricia. She is an outstanding nurse and advocate, and she helped me in numerous ways during our 13 month stay in the PICU. She is a person I will never ever forget. Tricia writes to me periodically, and her subject line of her e-mail messages is always, "Always on my mind." I simply love that statement!

Subject: "Always on my mind"
Dear Vicki & Peter,

I have been thinking of you regularly, as well as Mattie, who seems to be in my thoughts constantly. Yes, I am constantly re-evaluating my life and preaching to my children to show more love and appreciation to one another. I sometimes cry when I think of how unfair Mattie's untimely death was. My heart aches to think of what it would be like to endure the loss of a child. I am having difficulty on a daily basis, sometimes don't want to be bothered with anyone, or to go to parties or have fun. The emotional impact of Mattie's loss has at times paralyzed me, that is how profoundly I have been affected. It is not the quantity of one's life but the quality and the poem "The Dash" was so powerful, it really says a lot. Of course, I read it to the children and other family members because I sometimes feel as if I am the only one in my family who knows that FAMILY matters. I struggle to get everyone together for celebrations/Holidays and everyone has their own agendas that somehow don't center around the blessing of what it means to still have FAMILY. Anyway, I don't feel very happy these days and can not stop thinking of all of you!!!! I try to put on my happy face and yesterday was my youngest daughter Kelly's Birthday.. the BIG 13TH. I gave her the choice of whether she wanted to stay home to celebrate or go with her older sister, myself and the cousins to a baby shower for my nephew's wife. She opted to go to the shower and we all had a wonderful time together. Later, after we came home we celebrated her birthday. I feel as if through Mattie, I have learned to cherish these times for everything they are worth and I thank all of you for teaching me how important these times really are. This morning I am sitting here drinking a cup of tea and asking myself again, like so many times before, Why Mattie? I read your blog, and I loathe the fact that you have to bear this pain everyday. I am grateful for Ann, her Mom, Tamra and the many others who are providing you with their support and friendship as you attempt to live and endure all of the everyday challenges life now brings your way. I continue to be so proud of your determination and strength to go to Ann's house on Halloween, and for the comfort and friendship you give to Mary, and all of the other hurdles that you encounter each day. All I know, is that life is a process and when someone we deeply love leaves us... we spend the rest of our days until we meet again remembering how they made our lives complete while they were with us, knowing they live within us and that we are forever, much better people for having had them in our lives while they were here. This is the way I feel about Mattie, my sister, and brother and all my other numerous relatives that still today vividly live within my heart and fondly in the massive memories of my mind. I am sorry you haven't felt well with the fatigue and migraines but I know that emotional stress has the ability to cause many physiological symptoms and I will continue to pray that you will regain your physical stamina and mental strength as time goes by. Tell Peter I said hello and he is also on my mind, I am sure going back to work could not have been easy and knowing how he cares for you I am sure he longs for the days when you will be feeling better too. Oh, and congratulations on the progress of the foundation, as usual, Mattie is smiling on you both and knowing that you would never let him down and oh how proud you continue to make him, and all of us, by being the extraordinary parent advocates that you have always been. Take care, you will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Forever in my heart, Tricia