Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Tonight's picture features me wearing silly straw glasses, that Ann gave to Mattie, and I am attempting to use them to drink orange juice. Mattie thought I was an absolute riot, and Ann snapped a picture of this dynamic. Mattie was recovering from his major surgery last November, and I would have done just about anything to keep him happy and engaged. Which leads to the picture you see tonight.

Poem of the day: A grief ago by Michael Shepherd

"'There is no grief which time does not lessen or soften" - so said Cicero, a man so often right; a Stoic, those for whom all life presents a lesson to be learned from, and then, to move on from.

But I wonder about all this: is grief ever lessened or softened? Is it not, perhaps, overlaid in our so various ways? For some, grief framed and falsified to ease that grief; For some, like hyacinths and crocus bulbs, left in a dark cupboard in the autumn of our grief to respond to time, and become at last themselves?

Gently, gently, the covers pulled over the loving bed, the true, the pure, the lovely painful grief, the memory deep cherished, gently, gently, folded into the cupboards of the heart there to be known, without the door disturbed until the time - 'a grief ago' as Dylan wrote -the cupboard opened only for love's sake without grief...those carefully folded memories brought out and loved and lived a while...not grief, not grief...but the pure memory of grief and behold, life.

For the next two days, Peter and I are helping Ann and Bob. They are away at a conference, and we are watching their children and having the time to connect with them as they perform their daily routines. Parenting is definitely an art form, and each child has his or her own needs and styles, and Peter and I are enjoying the opportunity to learn about them. When Ann told me she was going away, we offered to help her. Clearly I wasn't sure if I was ready to take this responsibility on after losing Mattie, but I felt the need to try. Especially since Ann has become such a crucial part of our lives.

I had the opportunity to spend some time with Mary (Ann's mom) this morning. Mary is still very frightened and shaken up today from her choking incident last night. It is completely understandable, but it is very sad to see someone who loves to eat, now afraid to eat in fear that she could choke. I realize this fear will subside in time, but in a way, I feel very lucky to have been a part of Mary's life over the last couple of months, because this has enabled her to become comfortable with me, and open to sharing her thoughts and feelings about numerous topics. Later in the day, I picked up Ann's older daughter at school, and Peter picked up Ann's younger children at Mattie's lower school campus. We had a busy day filled with homework, stories, snacks, dinner, and prepping for tests. In fact, Mattie died before he was ever given homework, but I find (unlike when I was in school), I find doing homework now and learning these different subject matters very interesting. There is great truth in the old adage, youth is wasted on the young. I guess with maturity, I have learned the beauty of knowledge and to embrace this opportunity, rather than trying to hurry through the material just to answer a question, like I would have done when I was in primary school.

Two things caught my attention tonight. The first of which was cooking dinner for a family and eating together. It felt like a foreign feeling but nonetheless lively and everyone ate, which brought me great pleasure to see. The second thing was reading with Ann's younger daughter at bedtime. Ann's younger daughter is Abigail, who was a friend of Mattie's. She picked out two books tonight, and both books were stories Mattie liked as well. Of course Mattie never learned to read, and Abigail was sitting next to me reading independently, so the dynamic was clearly different. Nonetheless sitting and listening to stories brought me back in time. In fact, Abigail asked me if Mattie liked these stories. She occasionally will ask me questions about Mattie or whether Mattie would have approved of something. I always find these questions very meaningful because they keep Mattie's memory alive, which is of great importance to me.

Though I did not see Ann today, she did text me back and forth all day. She let me know that she was wearing the jeweled bug pin that Mattie gave her for Mother's day on her jacket. She also let me know that the flight attendant was intrigued by the pin as well, and this caused Ann to tell her about Mattie and his story. When Ann told me she was wearing Mattie's pin today, this brought a smile to my face, and at the same time tears. I could still picture Mattie's face when he saw this pin at the hospital, and how focused he was to get this pin for Ann because he knew it would make her jump. Hearing about that pin today made me relive that special moment in time. After all that is all I have left is memories in times.

I would like to share a story my mom wrote today about the La Brea Tar Pits, in Los Angeles, CA. My parents introduced Mattie to this adventure and he loved visiting this special sight and museum. The story of the Tar Pits captured and engaged Mattie's curiosity, and he told stories about the Tar Pits years after visiting them.

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The Adventures of Mattie Brown at the Rancho La Brea Tar Pits (Los Angeles, CA)

By Virginia R. Sardi

Mattie was born with a grand appetite for adventure that transformed even the most ordinary events into magical moments of discovery that were marked by inquisitiveness about the world of nature around him which he tackled with laser like precision. Right from my earliest recollections, a day out with Mattie was for anyone lucky enough to have the opportunity, a memorable and unforgettable experience. You instantly knew that here was a boy who explored his surroundings with the intensity of a super-sleuth who was on the trail of unraveling a deep perplexing mystery.

On one of his earlier visits to Los Angeles, when Mattie could not have been more than 3 years old, we took him to visit the remarkable Rancho La Brea Tar Pits in the very heart of the commercial and business district in Los Angeles. He was as eager to get started as any other little boy his age would be who was looking forward to a day out with his family. This trip was to make a lasting impression on him because of the distinctive smell of tar that he was exposed to for the first time in his life. As we progressed towards the Page Museum, its intense smell caught Mattie’s attention very quickly and before we even got to the tar pits near the museum, he demanded to know what that “stinky” smell was. We explained what it was, where it was coming from and how it was created by the natural forces that took place under the earth 40,000 years ago in southern California and its effect on the animals, now extinct, living during that period of time. As we approached the entrance of the museum, he observed the outdoor exhibit of a tar pit featuring a replica of a mammoth having a drink at what remains of the Pacific Ocean, a little dank pond of water, with a replica of a predatory saber-toothed cat on his back ready to attack. He was mesmerized by the scene before him and when he heard the rest of the story, his curiosity and vivid imagination took hold and he immediately understood that the animals whose skeletons he was about to see in the Page Museum had been trapped by the tar that they could not see when they innocently approached the waters to quench their thirst.

This was his introduction to prehistoric animals that later set the stage for his future fascination with dinosaurs that also no longer roam the planet like the animals he first saw at the tar pits in Los Angeles. As a typical little boy, he tried all of the hands-on exhibits to see what they were like and one of his favorites was a bar with a handle that had a weight attached to it at the other end that was immersed in an immense vat of tar to allow children to test for themselves how hard it was to pull up when the tar exerted an intense downward pull at the other end. The story of the plight of the stricken animals made a strong and lasting impression on him that day for he understood what they must have felt when they stepped unknowingly into the tar and could not set themselves free. Another activity that got his attention occurred in the museum laboratory where behind glass windows, he watched a team of paleontologists piece together the bones from the tar pits to reconstruct parts of animals like jaws, arms, legs and skulls. We then took him to an active tar pit outside on museum grounds where paleontologists were busy extracting fossils from the tar, cleaning them up and sorting them out so that they could be assembled later into skeletal displays at the museum. If there had not been a glass barrier separating on lookers from the workers in the pit, he might have jumped right in to find a “prize fossil” of his very own!

Their work continued to fascinate him long after the visit came to an end and was to be an experience that heightened his interest in nature, building and creating things. The connection between what he saw the paleontologists doing as they were assembling bones and fossils to recreate an extinct animal was very similar to what would occupy his attention later on as he turned to projects that required him to assemble models of animals, buildings, cars and other objects that captured his fancy with his precious legos. No wonder he loved his visit to the tar pits and could never stop talking about it! On a subsequent visit to California, it came as no surprise that he wanted to return to the tar pits a second time and I am happy to report that he had as much fun as he did the first time we took him. His love of nature however, took many forms, one of which he indulged in whenever he went outdoors, making him one of the youngest collectors of assorted things to be found on nature walks. His collection included colorful and unusual rocks and stones, sea-shells from all the beaches he visited, acorns, autumn leaves, and tent cocoons that would eventually turn into moths with a little help from Mattie and Vicki.

When visiting us in the Burbank Hills of California, he assembled a formidable collection of snail shells that I had never paid attention to before but found to be quite beautifully etched with the most intricate patterns and designs after he pointed out how distinct and unusual they were. I had to admit I never saw anything quite so unique although even when empty they were quite smelly! But he didn’t seem to mind and continued his treasure hunt until the day he left! He had a great sense of humor which he combined with his love of the creepy, crawly animal world that he adored to make surprisingly good entertainment for himself. For whenever he placed one of his nasty looking models of a roach or mouse near an unsuspecting victim, which he quickly learned could elicit screams of terror, he would sit back and enjoy the spectacle of watching the antics of some hysterical female acting silly. What fun to see him chuckle whenever we cringed at the sight of one of these disgusting creatures! Mattie, we will always remember your practical jokes with a smile!

In summing up this aspect of his character, I can say that he was a little boy who enjoyed every moment of his childhood which he lived with imagination, humor and passion. Yet deep within his soul were the makings of a profound thinker who thought about the world he lived in and who knew that animals needed to be taken care of and protected so that they would not vanish like the dinosaurs. Our Mattie was committed to being kind to animals and would have made sure that open spaces were protected for everyone to enjoy. In the blog you have no doubt seen pictures of him feeding his pet cat, Patches, who he missed when he was in the hospital because she was his feline pal from the day he was born and held a special place in his heart. You might have caught another picture of him romping through the grassy areas of his housing complex with JJ, the resident Jack Russell terrier who belonged to his neighbor, JP. What rollicking fun Mattie and JJ had together in the good old days! I am particularly fond of this picture because I was there and lucky enough to have taken it! In his last days on earth, Mattie requested a fish of his very own. He had always wanted one as a pet. PopPop and I scrambled at the last moment to satisfy his dying wish. We brought him a beta fish that he loved and named “Super Red” because the fish was a beautiful shade of red, his favorite color. “Super Red” made him so happy in the brief time he had left on earth and was a big distraction for him during his final hours. In many ways, Mattie and “Super Red” were kindred spirits destined to be united in death. My hope is that they made the journey together and that Mattie, with his little pal “Super Red” at his side, is now shaking things up in heaven as he did right here on earth!

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I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "One of the things I've heard several times in my training class is that many people who are grieving feel they cannot allow themselves to be happy or to laugh. Some say it is a "betrayal"of the person they lost; others that it is unfair to be happy when the person they loved is gone and cannot feel. Some believe that they can only keep the memories close by being sad and grieving. I think you will find your way out in your own time, but I will offer this, knowing Mattie as you do, would he want you to remain forever frozen in grief or would he want you to find your way to happiness? I look at the picture you chose last yesterday and this was a boy with every reason to grieve and yet, he found his way to a smile.I think to truly honor his memory you will have to find your way to allowing joy back into your life. I am not saying this will be easy or come quickly, but I think it will come with time. For now, try to be open to what happens in the day, if sadness comes, walk with it and if joy like a flash of sunlight comes, accept it for Mattie's sake."