Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Tuesday, December 15, 2009 - Mattie died 14 weeks ago today!

Tonight's picture continues last night's theme. In last night's picture it featured Mattie on Roosevelt Island collecting caterpillars. As you can see in this picture, Mattie is holding up a jar filled with caterpillars, oak leaves, and branches. He would watch this jar like a hawk each day to see what, if any, changes took place with the caterpillars. Mattie collected caterpillars three years in a row, and each of the caterpillars he placed in the jar transformed into a tent moth. This brought him great joy!

Poem of the day: REMEMBER ME

To the living I am gone
To the sorrowful, I will never return
To the angry, I was cheated.
But to the happy, I am at peace
And to the faithful, I have never left.
I cannot speak, but I can listen
I cannot be seen, but I can be heard.
So, as you stand upon a shore,
Gazing at a beautiful sea
Remember me.
As you look in awe at a mighty forest
And its grand majesty
Remember me.
Remember me in your heart,
Your thoughts and your memories
Of the times we cried,
The times we fought,
The times we laughed
For if you always think of me,
I will never be gone from your side.

Mattie died 14 weeks ago today. In fact, I may never look at a Tuesday the same way again. Each Tuesday only marks yet another week that Mattie is no longer in our lives. Tonight's poem, seems very appropriate for the tone of our day..... we remember Mattie each and every day he is gone, and somehow this feeling of loss is heightened for me on Tuesdays.

Ann and I met for lunch today and then she took me back to the spa that has this peaceful serenity room that I like so much. Sitting in this room is a special gift, because I work very hard for the time I am in there to relax and read. I am still working on reading the same book I told you about weeks ago, "The Christmas List." It seems like I only pick up this book each time I go to the spa. It is a wonderful story about a man who reads his obituary in a newspaper, but of course the catch is he never died. The newspaper reported his death prematurely. In any case, the story is about this man's journey of self discovery. Through his reported death, he learns how people really feel about him, which is that they despise him. This news makes him deeply upset, and the remainder of the book is dedicated to his transformation, making amends with those he hurt in his life (especially his wife who is dying of cancer), and in the process finds himself and his priorities.

When I came back home today, I had the opportunity to see Maria. Peter and I have known Maria for 15 years. She is our rental office manager, and she watched Mattie transform from a baby into a kindergartener. She also follows the blog religiously, and it meant a lot to me today that she went out of her way to hug me and to tell me that I am doing a good job. She says she admires me for having the strength to face each day. I landed up crying, but I was very moved by her honesty and sensitivity. Some times I don't give myself credit for the things that I do, until someone forces me to stop and evaluate the situation. It goes back to what I wrote last night. Words of kindness, can make all the difference in the world, and can have a powerful and lasting impact on how we feel.

This evening, Peter and I had dinner with Mattie's oncologist, Dr. Kristen Snyder, and her husband, Patrick. Patrick is a medical doctor and researcher at NIH. We had a lovely dinner, learned more about the research process, and the more I talk with Kristen the more I realize we have a lot in common. It seems very poignant that we had dinner together on a Tuesday, 14 weeks after Mattie's death.

We are receiving Christmas cards in the mail, and when I opened one last night, it read, "Dear Vicki, Peter, and Matthew".... When I read this my heart sunk. There are some people who I only correspond with during Christmas time. For example, this particular couple we met on our honeymoon many years ago. However, we write to each other every Christmas. Naturally I did not send out cards last year, and I haven't sent out cards this year. So in all reality there are some folks who do not know about Mattie's cancer, much less his death. Seeing Mattie's name on a card was unsettling to me, and then what was even more difficult is the realization that I will need to explain to several people we know the saga we have been living for over a year.

Peter and I continue to be so pleased to see who is joining the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation facebook page as a "fan" and "friend." I am very well aware of the grassroots approach to getting the word out about Osteosarcoma. Each of you makes a difference and can help us spread the vital message about this horrible disease. Thank you for helping to keep Mattie's memory alive!

I end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am sure you are correct about the value of volunteering and helping others because we want to. There are more and more studies showing that volunteering is as good for your mental health as exercise is for your physical well being. That said, it never hurts to "pay" someone in thanks and appreciation of their efforts; well deserved praise encourages people to repeat a good effort. I have to say I am really happy that Georgetown is setting up a group and like you I hope it will be better than the last one. At least initially, it seems that the participants will be better suited to working together this time. I know there is always confidentiality but within limits I will be interested in hearing how you feel about this group. As I light candles tonight, I will think about you and pray that the light of hope is reflected in your hearts."