Sunday, December 13, 2009Tonight's picture was taken in May 2008, during Grandparent's day at Mattie's school. Mattie was very happy and proud to show off his school and classroom to my parents. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. My parents snapped this picture of us together in the classroom, and in retrospect, I am so happy I volunteered on that day, so I now have these special memories to pull from.
Poem of the day: Never the Same By Amanda Turner
I close my eyes,
Think maybe if I pray hard enough...
Everything will be okay.
I'll open my eyes,
And you'll be smiling down on me.
Maybe if I wish hard enough...
The last two years will just disappear,
And you'll be here.
Laughing with me just like before.
Everything like its always been,
Not all this pain,
Here as if it could replace you,
As if I could ever be the same.
Today the five gingerbread houses I created made their debut. I transported them to Ann's house, so her daughter, Abigail, and three of her friends could decorate them. Monday is Abigail's eighth birthday, and today she had a special playdate filled with fun and all sorts of holiday crafts. I had no idea who was coming to this gathering, but when I looked at all the girls, a part of my heart just broke. These were all friends of Mattie's. Ann's mother, Mary, was also visiting for the playdate, and when she said to me this must be hard for me, because Mattie should be here too, I began crying. She was right! Something seems very wrong with all of this. Despite how difficult it was at times during the playdate, it was also very touching, and what these girls may not be aware of, is they gave me a special gift today. One of Mattie's friends from kindergarten turned to me and said, "I miss Mattie." I told her that was nice of her to say, and that I know how she must feel. Later in the afternoon, Peter and I gave Abigail a singing birthday card, with the hamster dance song in it. Mattie's school counselor introduced him to the hamster dance song, and when she sent him a card which played this song, it brought him great joy. In fact, one day in the PICU we played the card for 30 minutes. It was a hard day, and that card saved both of us. So when I saw this card at the store, I felt compelled to get it for Abigail. I think Mattie would want Abigail, his special friend, to feel the same happiness he had that day!
Within the card I explained to Abigail why I bought the card for her. As Abigail read what I wrote out loud, several of Mattie's friends turned around to look at me and smiled. Ann then invited the girls to stand up and do a dance to the song the card was playing. Ann said this dance was for Mattie and most likely Mattie was looking down and smiling at his friends. If this wasn't the perfect example of Mattie's memory living on, I don't know what is. To live in the hearts of those who remain behind, is NOT to die. A great deal of today was very moving and filled my heart, and yet with all these emotions tonight I find myself very weepy. I look at Mattie's pictures and just can't understand why he wasn't spared. Why he had to suffer so, and why Peter and I are forced to live on with these feelings and memories.
I took some pictures today of the gingerbread project. On the left, is the before picture. The houses are plain and being held up by their owners. In the picture from left to right is Claire, Abigail, Charlotte, and Nikki. The picture on the right features the finished, decorated products. The girls did a great job, and had fun with the process.
I want to thank all of you for joining us as friends of the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation. Our list is growing! Thank you! In addition, today for the first time, I received several of the comments some of you posted on the blog back in September and October. For some reason these comments did not show up in our account until now, and therefore if you sent me a message and I never responded to you it is because of this delay. I read many of the beautiful comments of support that you wrote while Mattie was dying. Many of them made an impression on me today, and I couldn't help but cry. Mattie touched so many lives, lives of people who he never even met in some cases. To me that is saying something quite profound about my little boy.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Attending this ceremony had to be a really tough thing to do and I applaud your decision to leave. I think there was a reason you could not find Mattie's ribbon at the ceremony; I had the distinct impression that Mattie's spirit was not there and that was the message of the missing ribbon. It is strange, when I start to read the blog I seem to know even before I get to that point if you felt Mattie there with you or not and this time it seemed to be a strong, "not" even at the very beginning of the telling. I am so glad that the word is spreading about the foundation and I hope that it continues to do so. The foundation (and the blog) are like the pebble in the middle of the lake, there is no telling how far the ripples will spread. Today I dedicate the energy of my practice and the lighting of the third candle to you; may you find some light in the darkness of grief."
The second message is from a former student of mine. Betsy wrote, "I read today's blog and I want to tell you that it is totally okay to feel angry when you see and hear cancer survivors and the parents who were fortunate enough to not lose their child. Because the fact is, it is completely unfair and horrible that Mattie died from cancer. Mattie should not have gotten cancer, and it should not have killed him. So anger is a completely normal and appropriate reaction to have. Don't expect yourself to be empathetic all the time. You know the stages of grief - and anger is a very real and important emotion to be feeling. Your job at this time is to allow yourself to feel angry and release all of your emotions as you feel them. Don't hold yourself up to any standards - only to be good enough to yourself that you accept how you are feeling each day and keep the faith that you are going to be okay. Eventually you won't feel so angry. Eventually the days will be brighter and you will have fewer moments of such intense emotions. My heart goes out to you. I'm thinking of you always."
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