Sunday, February 14, 2010Tonight's picture is one of my all time favorite photos of Mattie and I. It was taken around Valentine's day in 2009 in the Georgetown University Hospital Childlife playroom. Jenny, Jessie, Linda, and a whole bunch of volunteers were working with Mattie that day as he created MANY wonderful valentine's creations for me. One of which is the heart crown I was wearing in the photo. While Mattie was creating these special items (which should be no surprise to some of you, since I am pack rat, I have kept each and every one!) I wasn't allowed in the room. So I was given a break until he was ready for the unveiling of his gifts! Jenny snapped this picture after Mattie gave me all of his gifts. There was a look of satisfaction on his face, and naturally a look of happiness on mine. Somehow Jenny was able to capture that moment in time, and it was such a special feeling that I remember it as if it happened yesterday. I miss my special valentine this year!
Poem of the day: The Empty Bowl by Kim Gosney
The metaphor:
A bowl.
Empty.
Waiting to be filled.
It’s only true contents:
the cool air
that spans the distance between its curved walls.
The light and shadow
that are broken from its shape.
The empty bowl implies
the possibility of being filled.
The hope and belief of being filled.
Nevertheless, it is empty now.
It fits perfectly in the palms of my hands…
as if it were made just for me,
just for this day,
this time.
It is cool to the touch
and light as a feather.
It could break should I hold it too carelessly
or hold it with too much force.
I must hold it with relaxed, yet purposeful hands.
And pay attention.
Maybe it will be filled with manna…
maybe water…
maybe a piece of bread.
It may take time.
I pray not.
I thirst.
I hunger.
I am alone.
I am needy.
My arms tire as if the bowl were heavy -
as if it were made of stone.
My eyes fading.
Yet I am here
with my empty bowl,
and a teaspoon full of faith
in something larger than myself.
We want to wish our readers a very happy Valentine’s Day. Peter and I appreciate your care, concern, and support for us over the past year and a half. I also thank you for the e-mails I have been receiving wishing us a peaceful time away.
We boarded the Caribbean Princess today around 1:30pm. I have been unable to take a picture of the ship yet, but rest assured I will as the week progresses. The ship is HUGE. It has 3100 passengers, and that doesn’t include the 1000 member crew. In essence we are on a floating city, however, the way the ship is designed, you do not get the feeling you are vacationing with this many people.
Peter, my mom, and I headed into Old San Juan this afternoon. This old town is filled with history, beautiful architecture, and naturally a lot of shopping. The streets were filled with people and cars, yet despite that, I migrated through people and pulled out the camera to capture some of the sights and architecture. I attached some of these photos for you to see. While roaming around the town, it was hard to go into stores and NOT think of Mattie. There were stores with toy trucks in it, and naturally stores geared to attract children from the store front window. In a way, shopping is no longer the same for me. When you have been focused on shopping for your child for years, and thinking about finding items your child would like, you not only forget the things that interest you as a parent, but you also realize these things are not as important. The ultimate goal as a parent is to make sure your children are provided for and are happy. So now, I find I am absolutely lost. It is like learning about myself all over again, however, there is one very big problem. I was a parent, have memories of this former life, and greatly miss Mattie. These feelings and thoughts swim around in my head and make happy times sometimes quite difficult.
As I walk around the cruise ship, I see groups of people, who appear to be happy. Yet, I marvel at this achievement. Mostly because being happy is difficult for me, and instead of looking at activities as fun distractions, they at times can feel like chores. When I find myself in this state, I also see that my energy level declines dramatically. I think what this tells me is trying to vacation while grieving is not an easy task. Thankfully I was wise enough to follow my heart and not do this at Christmas time. This would have been a big mistake, because trying to re-engage in the world after losing your son is virtually impossible. But December would have been way too soon to even attempt this for me.
There are many activities to do on the ship, and tonight we watched a fabulous performer, who had been playing the guitar since he was a child. He plays the flamenco guitar, and is truly gifted as a performer, and can replicate any cultural style of playing this instrument. Initially while watching the show, I hit an emotional low. In my low points, I simply am confused, I see no meaning or direction in life, and worry that I will always feel this way.
We had a nice dinner tonight, and while eating, I became more animated. We made a toast to Mattie, and wished he were here with us. I always wanted to take Mattie on a cruise, and yet never did. I was waiting until he got older, and would appreciate it more. It is my hope that he is sailing with us this week. As we re-boarded the ship this afternoon, there was a beautiful sight. Sun rays shining through the clouds, and it seemed ethereal. My mom suggested that Mattie was looking down on us from heaven, and his happiness was shining through.
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