Wednesday, February 17, 2010Tonight's picture illustrates what life was like when Mattie was quarentined in his room. Mattie was quarentined several times because it was thought that he contracted the bacterial infection, C. diff (Clostridium difficile). So Brandon, Mattie's big buddy, wasn't allowed into his room. Which is why you can see Brandon standing in the doorway and not entering Mattie's room. Nonetheless, Mattie was kept busy by Anna (Mattie's physical therapist) and Linda (Mattie's childlife specialist). Anna was working on getting Mattie's legs moving, and was encouraging him to stomp on an air rocket with his foot. As you can see from the picture, Mattie and Anna united forces and sent the rocket straight up in the air. Though Mattie was fighting cancer, we always keep his room decorated and lively. You can see his IV pole is also filled with decorations, from the praying cranes that Junko's family made for Mattie, to the Wall-E decoration that Brandon made and eventually gave to Mattie when his treatments were done. Naturally, I have kept these special items, and like so many of Mattie's things, I am unable to part with any of them.
Poem of the day: Jesse's Piece by Robert Brault
The world’s a jigsaw, once I thought,
With each of us a piece to fit,
A predetermined Grand Design
And each of us a part of it.
I thought that God must surely have
A blueprint of His final goal,
And all who come into this life
Are meant to play some fated role.
But when my little Jessie died,
It seemed to me but sheer caprice.
Where fits a child in God’s design
Who never lived to add her piece?
How often did I walk alone
To still the anguish in my heart,
To ask why God would make a plan
In which my child had no part.
One day, upon a village square,
I happened by a tiny shop.
What random step had led me there?
What in the window made me stop?
It was a quilt, a crazy quilt,
Each piece a brightly-colored patch,
A joyful, glowing work of art
From scraps you’d think would never match.
I looked upon the quilt in awe
To think a thing so oddly fine
Was stitched from fragments never made
To fit to anyone’s design.
I wondered then if God might wish
That in this way His world be built,
Each life a motley-colored scrap,
And He the weaver of the quilt.
If such be true, I realize,
My child’s life, though short it be,
Is yet a joyful, shining patch
In God’s eternal tapestry.
I looked upon the quilt and saw
A patch that seemed but sheer caprice,
So whimsical it made me smile.
I knew it was my Jessie’s piece.
On our tour, we first visited the site of several forts, Fort Matthew and Fort Frederick to be specific. These forts were built by the British and the French over the years to protect the Island from attack. Needless to say, as soon as I saw the name “Matthew” my heart sunk. We passed a cemetery along the way, and it is interesting that no one is buried in the ground on the Island. All the plots are above ground. Our guide said that with flooding, burials wouldn’t be productive. In addition, they only allow a loved one to be buried in a plot for 15 years. At which point the grave is removed. I was curious about this, because there was no explanation for why a person only gets memorialized for 15 years and then removed.
We also visited a spice mill today. At this working mill, they harvest nutmeg and cocoa. Both nutmeg and cocoa grow on trees. These trees contain large fruits, which hang from their branches. It is within these fruits that you can find nutmeg or cocoa. The process of revealing the fine products that we use today in our kitchens was fascinating. In terms of nutmeg, we took a picture of a nutmeg tree. You can see the round fruit like pods on the tree. As the fruit ripens, it literally splits open to reveal a nut in a round hard shell. Attached to this shell, is a red like substance, called mace. Mace is used as a spice as well as to make dyes used to manufacture lipstick. In order to get to the nutmeg, you have to crack the shell to reveal the nut. This nut can then be ground to produce the nutmeg powder we see in our grocery stores. What is fascinating about this is every piece of the nutmeg is useful. The actual fruit containing the nut is used to make local wines. The shell of the nutmeg is used on the island to make walkways, and naturally mace and the nut are used to cook with.
Left: A picture of a nutmeg tree. You can see that the fruit, almost looks like a lemon, with the texture of a peach.
Right: On the table you can see the dried nutmeg fruit that has been cracked open to reveal the round hard shelled nut with the red mace wrapped around it. Once you crack open the shell, you will find the actual nutmeg nut, that can be ground to produce the powder. Inside the bowl on the table you can see the nuts with the shell on (they look shiny), and nuts without their shells on.
Making chocolate is an equally interesting process. Cocoa comes from a tree as well. On a cocoa tree grows large yellowish red fruit. Once you cut open the fruit, you can see large whitish gel covered seeds. These seeds are removed and allowed to ferment for a week or so. In the fermentation process, the whitish seeds become brown in color. These brown seeds are then laid out in the sun to dry and turn hard. I picked up one of these brown seeds and cracked it open. Out popped a small substance that smelled just like chocolate. Needless to say, it takes many cracked seeds to produce a decent amount of chocolate. The island doesn’t produce or sell any edible chocolate. Instead it exports it to other countries to produce the beautiful and tasty products we buy and love to eat.
Left: A picture of Ron, our tour guide, with Peter in the background. Ron cut open the fruit from a cocoa tree. Notice the white gel like seeds I told you about.
Right: Ron is showing us what the seeds look like after they have been fermented and dried in the sun. The seeds are hard and brown. It is within these seeds, that when cracked you find chocolate. However, this chocolate can't be eaten as is. It has to be cooked and processed.
The next stop on our tour was to Trickle Falls. At the falls and at other stops, were people who dressed up in island attire, wearing for example large baskets on their heads filled with fruits and flowers. They wanted tourists to take pictures of them for money. In addition, at the falls there were young adult men who would jump from a cliff into the water falls if you paid them. Now this concept seemed ridiculous to me at first. However, I did see that the women in dress and these young men jumping from the cliff were indeed working. They do this to earn money from tourists, and unfortunately there is not much else in terms of employment available to them on the Island. So my mom and I approached the cliff jumpers. They were VERY engaging men and one fellow by the name of Brandon, introduced himself to me, shook my hand, and explained that he has been jumping for years, and really appreciates whatever money we would leave for him and his friends. You had to experience this conversation to understand why I felt compelled to give him money to do this. Brandon jumped from the cliff into a pool of water, maybe 100 feet below. However, before he jumped, he shouted out “hi Vicki and Virginia.” He waved and told us he was jumping just for us. See what I mean……. engaging and charming! After he jumped, he came up to us to find out how we thought he did. He wished us a beautiful day and to go with God and have safe travels. I attached a picture of Brandon and the cliff. At the very top of the cliff, you can see Brandon in a red shirt with blue shorts!This afternoon, Peter and I attempted to relax. We were up early for the tour and the ship is amazingly crowded. So escaping for periods of time is really needed. I know for Peter there are aspects to being on vacation which are very challenging. I notice in the late afternoon, as he sits outside on our balcony staring at the ocean, I can see his lips moving from inside our room. At first I did not make much out of it, until I saw him doing this each day. So today I asked him what he is saying or thinking about while outside. Naturally I should have realized he is thinking about Mattie and reflecting on him verbally. I know being outside seems to affect Peter and me the same way. It seems like it connects us to Mattie. Peter loves being on the water, but I think unlike past cruises, this cruise is very bittersweet. This is the first cruise we have taken as parents. Our previous cruises were all pre-Mattie! As Peter walks the decks of the ship, he realizes Mattie is not with him and how much Mattie would have loved this experience. If Mattie were with us, he would have been up and out early with Peter checking out the ship, all its parts, lifeboats, and gadgets. Now Peter does these things alone, which saddens him and with this great sadness naturally comes tears.
I think Peter and I were both hoping for a panacea for our grief. But we are learning such a thing does not exist. We must experience this process as difficult as it is. Yes there are moments, where we can step out of it, and we force ourselves to. But I don’t want you to think that while we step into these happier moments, we don’t also carry great sadness with us. We do! It tings everything, and at times it also becomes overwhelming. So overwhelming, that we wonder if we will ever feel better, because if a cruise can’t make a dent into our feelings, what will? You may say…. time, but I find that statement just as trite as when people at the hospital used the terminology of “new normal” with me to describe how to adjust to life with cancer.
I would like to end tonight’s posting with three messages. The first message is from Kristen, Mattie’s oncologist and our friend. Kristen wrote, “I woke up in the middle of the night and swore that there should be a Mattie Moon with the brightness of the light reflecting off the snow. I couldn't find the moon...but still thought of Mattie as I find myself doing again and again. Thinking of you, this Tuesday and always."
The second message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I read this poem and had to send it on to you. I could just see "Mattie's piece," brightly glowing with all sorts of interesting things...taken alone it would almost be a quilt of its own. I hear what you are saying about unexpected things causing you to swing back and forth between calm and intense grief. It is so difficult, one moment you are having a conversation about some topic and then something brings your mind quickly back to Mattie and all he went through and your life without him now. It is so hard but I want to share that the grievers I meet at Haven tell me although it never, ever goes away, the intensity of the grief softens, becomes muted so that it is an ache rather than a cutting pain. However, just as the sun fades colors with time, it happens gradually so that you don't see it day to day, but one day notice that on seeing something that would have caused tears you find instead a sad smile. Be patient with yourself, let the healing come gradually to you as it will. As for the trip, take lots of pictures; it will be better in retrospect, believe me. I hope today brings some good moments with it. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The third message is from Mattie's preschool teacher, and my friend, Margaret. Margaret wrote, "Reading all of your postings in one sitting was insightful for me Vicki as I sense that in little ways, each passing day holds a few more bright spots for you and Peter. And this is what all of our lives are...a series of little steps, sometimes forward, sometimes back, sometimes I don't know in what direction, that we put together hour by hour each and every day. And as Charlie mentioned in one of her notes, our lives are about progress not perfection in every thing we do. Progress does not have to be measurable or quantifiable; it can be a feeling; a ray of sunshine that penetrates our grief, angst, sadness, our existence; a sense in any given moment of well-being and perhaps gratitude for the blessings we are gifted with. We often simply don't have the ability to recognize or acknowledge these gifts....but they do surround us and sometimes, just for a moment, we may be able to embrace them and just smile!! That is my prayer for you today. As you wander in the beauty and sunshine today give yourself a hug, give Peter a hug, give your parents a hug....bask in the sunshine and love that I know surrounds and supports you and just smile!! As always you are in my thoughts."
No comments:
Post a Comment