Monday, February 15, 2010Tonight's picture was taken in the PICU of the Hospital. Mattie is holding two items. One was a Texan armadillo, which he loved because he received it from his SSSAS friends, Louise and Meredith. I find it ironic that the word armadillo in Spanish translates into "little armored one." Seems quite fitting for Mattie, who was fitting quite heroically for his life. The other item Mattie was holding was a cupcake I made for him. In fact, I entered that hospital admission with two dozen cupcakes. Mattie negotiated a deal with me. For each lap of walking he did, or if he actively participated in physical therapy, this would earn him a cupcake. As you can see by the cupcake in the picture, that day was a GOOD day, Mattie worked hard and the cupcake brought a smile to his face!
Poem of the day: Just Because by Raivennette
stand in front of your eyes
doesn't mean you can't see me.
Close them,
I am there.
Just because I no longer
answer when you call my name
doesn't mean you can't hear me.
Speak softly, listen carefully,
there is my voice.
Just because I can no longer
touch your hands
doesn't mean you can't feel me.
Hold on to another,
my arms are there.
Just because I am no longer there
to show you I love you
doesn't mean my love is gone.Place your hand on your heart,
feel its beat.
I am there.
Know that I am with God.
Know that God is with you.
And in that we are still with each other.
Just because...
As we slept last night, the ship sailed to St. Thomas, which is part of the US Virgin Islands. St. Thomas is known for its beautiful beaches and SHOPPING. When we disembarked from the ship this morning, I attempted to take a picture of the Caribbean Princess (the name of our ship) for you. As you can see, it is one huge ship! However, despite its size, the crew is very efficient, and watching their safety precautions as people get off and onto the ship is a sight to see and to experience. All of the people of St. Thomas who we interacted with while shopping were engaging and very personal. In fact, we met many northeasterners who decided they had it with their fast paced city life and the cold weather and relocated to St. Thomas over 29 years ago. You have to admire that spirit and courage. The weather in St. Thomas was beautiful, warm, and sunny. We came across several Mattie noteworthy sights today, so I naturally had to take pictures. The first sight was of a HUGE iguana, basking in the glorious sunshine, as he was sitting on a rock. Mattie would have been fascinated by this, especially since this iguana almost appeared to be posing for the camera. The second Mattie approved sighting was of a chicken family, right in the middle of town. As you can see I snapped a picture of a chicken, a rooster, and their children! I am not sure if I have ever seen baby chickens walking around a city before. As I was taking these pictures, Peter was laughing at me. After all, how many people go on a cruise to take a picture of chickens? I don’t know, but all I could hear in my head was Mattie saying to me, “there are a mama chicken and her babies. Just like you and me!”
Peter was a real sport today. He walked around with my mom and me while we were shopping. While walking with us, he too had two noteworthy things happen. The first noteworthy thing is the fact that there are MANY Boston Red Sox fans in St. Thomas. Peter was wearing a Red Sox shirt today, and I can’t tell you how many people shouted out “go Sox!” My mom had never experienced this before, as I had, so she was stunned. It is just ironic, that no matter where you go, the Red Sox cult is alive and well! The second thing today was Peter came across a penny on the street. He picked it up, and I reminded him about the poem I posted on the blog last week. The poem mentioned that pennies found on the ground are a sign sent down from an angel above. So I told Peter that Mattie was with him today, as always.
Peter and I are trying hard to find peace and quiet around us and within ourselves. Though being on a cruise with 3100 passengers does make this somewhat of a challenge. However, in times when I need space, I simply remove myself from the crowds, the laughter, and frankly the happiness. That may sound strange, but I have learned that I need to do this on occasion for self-preservation purposes. Peter and I spent part of the afternoon outside on the balcony, looking at St. Thomas and watching people come aboard the ship for our 5:30pm sail away. In the midst of this calmness, I had a two hour argument with several Princess staff about the process of gaining access to the internet and their fees associated with this. Prior to Mattie’s illness if someone told me “NO,” or something “couldn’t be done.” I might have accepted it or perhaps argued a bit. But after my experience with Mattie, I don’t comprehend NO! By the time I finished with Princess today, I eventually got what I wanted. So even though Mattie is no longer physically around, he taught me well! None the less, I did not need this stress today and I assure you I let Princess know this as well.
I end tonight’s posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Well, I am glad that so far the trip seems to be going well for you. Of course just because you are somewhere other than home doesn’t mean that you will be away from things that make you think of Mattie. Fortunately you have Peter and your parents to share these thoughts with along with those of us who are here supporting you electronically. Grief, like so many things, we carry with us no matter where we go. It will be your companion for a very long time but the key is not to feel guilty if you find you can occasionally escape it. It will be there waiting for you. I do love the picture of you and Mattie, nose to nose with wonderful smiles. It is the way that I always picture the two of you. As you visit different places and see lots of interesting things, acknowledge that Mattie was the kind of child who would have enjoyed these things with you and that he probably would have given you other perspectives of them as well. As you do that you honor his memory and the place he holds in your heart. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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