This picture was taken of Mattie while in his PICU room at the Georgetown University Hospital. Despite the fact that Mattie was missing his hair, and on chemotherapy, there is something very charming and innocent about this picture. As you can see, Mattie put together a three dimensional model of a dinosaur. However, what you can't see, was that before he had the puzzle pieces on the table, he had to dig them out of clay. He was on the floor of the hospital room, with goggles on, digging away. This could occupy him for hours. The room looked like an excavation site by the time he was through, but Mattie's nurses and doctors got very used to his level of activity. The irony is I recall when other children were in the PICU receiving chemotherapy, they were usually sedentary, watching TV, or resting. Mattie rarely did any of these things. Even chemotherapy and surgery couldn't keep him down, which is why I honestly thought he had a chance of surviving osteosarcoma. I couldn't picture a child so full of life and energy being consumed by cancer. I suppose I experienced one of life's worst reality checks.
Poem of the day: Hope & Healing by Sherry Nixon
H ope and healing for a brighter tomorrow
O vercoming pain and conquering sorrow
P raying to our Father for comfort and peace
E ducating one another, that our fears might cease
A ssurance that you will never walk alone
N eeds being met, as close as the phone
D eveloping an alliance for battles to come
H umbly giving our best to honor the Son
E mbracing the precious gift of each day anew
A ppreciating blessings we were once blind to
L iving for the moment, loving all we can
I magining our role in God's perfect plan
N ever underestimating the power of the soul
G iving it to God, for He is in control.
I started my day by attending a five hour licensure board meeting. I have been away from the board for over a year, and lots of things have changed while I was gone caring for Mattie. Board members have changed and new regulations are in the process of being put into place and implemented. Nonetheless, despite my absence, some things are the same. The dynamic between myself and the board staff is the same, and they really are a hard working, yet humorous group of people. Which is thankful, because we have long meetings, and the content of what we have to cover some times is challenging and difficult.
After the meeting, I jumped around from one thing to another. In fact, at times I feel like I am in a marathon, without the running. The pace feels like a test of endurance. I went home and continued working on Walk related issues, and then jumped out and bought things we need for the Walk.
Later on in the day, I decided to tackle laundry. One of the areas of focus was Mattie's bed. I have all sorts of things stacked on Mattie's bed, along with some of Mattie's coats and jackets. Over the months, Patches (our cat) has made a very cozy home for herself on top of Mattie's things. In fact, some of Mattie's coats are simply covered in fur. So today, I cleaned all of his items, and stacked them somewhere else. I pulled off all of his linen and decided to wash them. While in the process of doing this, I was fine, but when I had to pull Mattie's things out of the dryer and fold them the reality of the loss simply hit me. Not that I don't feel this reality throughout the day, I do. But there are times when this reality is overwhelming, when I think I can't go on in this state, and when I just can't imagine that other people have children in their lives, and yet I lost the only child I had.
I have been reflecting on the pictures of Mattie that my mom sent me yesterday. I posted these pictures last night. I am not sure why I find these pictures so moving, but they have haunted me all day. The image of Mattie and his cute face seem to flash before my eyes. When they do, I honestly can't seem to logically accept that such a healthy child could die. How does that happen?!
I began my morning however, by reading a beautiful e-mail from Sara. Sara was Zachary's nanny, while he was in preschool. Naturally since Mattie and Zachary were inseparable, Sara and I got to spend a great deal of time together. Anyone who knew me while I was raising Mattie was quite aware of he fact that I did not leave Mattie with just any one. They had to meet my criteria. Watching Sara with Zachary each day allowed me to see her level of patience, her ability to reason through difficult situations, and her ability to love and nurture, yet toe the line when needed. Therefore, over time, I felt very comfortable leaving Mattie with Sara on many occasions. Like the fact that Mattie and Zachary's friendship grew over time, so did my friendship with Sara. It had two years to be cultivated. Sara and I played with the kids, took them to different activities, chatted with each other, and shared moments in or lives together. It is ironic that I never really reflected upon that gift, until I read Sara's e-mail this morning. I posted it below, but it meant a great deal to me, and not only made me smile, but also made me cry.
In the midst of great sadness today, I can honestly say that my evening e-mails with Carolyn (a RCC mom and our Raffle Coordinator at the Walk) continue to bring me great laughter. I told Carolyn that through working together on the Walk, we have learned more about each other and I really value this connection. Mattie and I used to be silly with each other, and laugh, and in essence Carolyn is nurturing that side of me that also died on September 8, 2009.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I really enjoyed both the picture of the Mattie supercape and the story and pictures your Mom sent. How wonderful to get the gift of an unknown story of your son at this point. In the blog you said it was a busy and productive day but that you felt kind of numb; that's normal, we have only so much emotional energy available and you used yours to work and plan events for the walk. It sounds like things are coming along really well and I know everyone is looking forward to seeing the results of the hard work of you and your team. As you continue to work on the plans for the walk, keep in mind the need for balance and try to take time this weekend to do some self care. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from Zachary's nanny, and my friend, Sara. Sara wrote, "I've seen that in your blog lately you've mentioned Zachary and Mattie. And, I often think of our times together and also wonder how Zachary is doing without his buddy. The last time I talked to Zachary, he very much wanted to make sure I knew about Mattie and wondered if I knew how you were doing. I need to call him again. It has been a little while. And I do miss him. I miss our lovely play dates... the boys having such fun. It was so special... that time. I can't even begin to imagine how much you must miss Mattie... and that you could still visit with Zachary and talk with him and wonder how he feels too, is.... just another special piece of their wonderful friendship. And another example of where Mattie picked up some of his personality from his mom. You are very thoughtful Vicki, and Peter is so blessed to have you as his wife and friend.... and Mattie to have had you as his mom. Love you much and think of you daily."
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