Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2009 at the March for a Mattie Miracle. Two of my students, Ariel and Tess, were volunteering that entire day to help children at the craft's table. Mattie visited that table and decorated a bag that said, "#1 Mom!" I still have that bag, it sits in my bedroom, and I recall how proud Mattie was to give me that bag after the walk was over. Ariel and Tess continue to read the blog and remain connected to us and Mattie's story. I am deeply touched how a seven year old could impact the lives of these young women, so much so that Ariel is studying to be a pediatric HEM/ONC nurse, and Tess is coming back this year to volunteer at the Walk. Somehow this illustrates to me the effect Mattie has had on others in a very short period of time.
Poem of the day: Sweet Child Of Mine by Kathleen Cowan
Where are you now, sweet child of mine
Where are you now
Are you the whispering in the wind, the gentle breeze
Are you all the things I do not understand
Are you the heavens and the earth
Where are you now
Are you my protector in the dark
Are you there to see the tears that fall from my face
And wipe them gently away and give me the will to go on
Does your courage and bravery in life
And the fact that I was always
So proud of you, and still am
Give me the strength and inspire me to tell
The world how wonderful you are
But where are you now?
I was always there for you
Did I let you down
When you had to take those last steps on your own
Did I let you down as I held your hand
You have gone to a place and I could not go with you
But some day, my darling, I will come to you again
As you are with me eternally
You are every breath I take, every action I do
You are in my dreams, you are my dream
Where are you now, sweet child of mine
I am the sound of your breathing
I am the sound of your heart beating
I am your life and you are mine
Together for eternity
Your loving son always
I had the opportunity to meet with the logistics planning committee for the Walk today. This group is being headed up by Tamra and Liza (both SSSAS parents and friends). The irony is both of these women have children on the upper school campus, and during the year Mattie was at school, our paths never crossed. Mainly because our children are on different campuses of the school. However, as the word got around the school community about Mattie's cancer, these ladies mobilized into action. I completely credit Mattie for bringing our worlds together.
Tamra and Liza, along with three wonderful school faculty and staff members, met with me today to discuss the set up and logistics for the Walk. I truly enjoyed the meeting and the tone of the meeting. Everyone is on the same page, to make this Walk a success and a good experience for attendees. I am not sure how Peter and I got lucky enough to have such a wonderful team to turn to. Each request I made today was greeted with eagerness to make my suggestions work out. A remarkable feeling, and after the day I had yesterday, I really valued this support and understanding.
What I have come to see is that I should not have elected to be alone yesterday. I know many women in my community who have lost their moms, and they too felt directionless yesterday. Seems to me in the future, we should just be directionless together, and have the emotional support and camaraderie of one another.
After the meeting, Tamra handed me a beautiful gift wrapped package. It was gift wrapped in butterfly wrapping paper. She said she wanted me to have this because she knew yesterday was a difficult day and that because she loves me. I opened up her card this evening, and on the front of the card it read, "when there are no words...... know that the silences are carrying the thoughts and prayers of all who love you." I needed to read this quote, and I needed to absorb this quote. It was as if this card was written solely for me. Tamra's card delicately allowed me to see my misinterpretations of the silences. That the silences I felt yesterday were not people who have forgotten about me, but instead the reactions of others not knowing what to do to help me. This card now sits on my desk, and when I have doubts and are unsure about peoples' feelings and intentions toward me, I will read this card. Needless to say the card and gift cheered me up today, and her gift was filled with scenes of flowers and butterflies which will always remind me of Mattie.
I spent the rest of the day at home, working on Walk materials, and communicating back and forth with many of our other Walk team leads. In that sense, Peter and I have been blessed to be surrounded by people who want to help us and are as passionate about pediatric cancer as we are. Amazing!
As I was cooking dinner tonight, I stopped for a minute and realized I wasn't feeling well. I worked through that feeling all day today, for what reason I don't know. It is almost as if I not only am closed off to my feelings, but also closed off to the physical symptoms I am experiencing.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I think Sammie's mom has it right, you have to learn to do it over and over again. To get up and to face another day without your child, another holiday, another average day. When your child is gone and you have that "weight" that you carry around, it makes keeping your balance in the world more difficult. I am sorry that you did not feel Mattie with you yesterday, perhaps time elsewhere is not like here so your message may be received on another day. Sometimes these messages are received when we are least expecting them. Perhaps as Nancy said, the message came the day before in the laundry room; maybe the weight of the holiday would have blocked the receipt of that message on Mother's Day. I, like the other women who wrote to you yesterday, feel your impact in my own mothering skills. My son is grown and yet we have our moments of disagreement; I remind myself that none of it is all that important, what is important is that we love and care for each other, that the lines of communication are open and that there is mutual trust and respect between us. I am now less likely to lose my temper, more likely to give him the benefit of the doubt and the relationship continues to grow in the right direction because of that. I would give anything that I could make it so for you and my prayer every day is that you will be in a position to do that again; to work on a relationship with your child and help him or her grow to be the adult you know they can be. As you recover from yesterday and all the emotion contained in the day, I wish you spaces of peace today. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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