Tonight's picture was taken last May at the March for a Mattie Miracle. I was going through my electronic files and I found this picture tonight. It captures Mattie smiling and sitting between his two very close kindergarten buddies, Charlotte and Campbell. Take note of the cup, filled with caterpillars that he is holding! Nature was a big part of Mattie's life, and I am so happy on that event weekend, when he was out of the hospital, that he had the chance to reconnect with nature and his friends.
Poem of the day: What Is Grief? by Michele Young
What Is Grief?
Who really knows?
How to do it—and—how it goes
Grief I’m told is letting go
Be it right or be it wrong
Words and feelings to our own song.
Memories flood the tears in our eyes
Do you think our loved one hears our cries?
And how the heart aches to no end
Even knowing that our loved ones’ peace will send.
To feel so lonely and filled with fear
I wonder if the Lord does truly hear?
So our days go by hour by hour
As we smile and carry on with all our power
We stay busy, sometimes too busy to see
And notice in God, we truly need thee.
Our nights are filled with restless sleep
Even knowing you’re in God’s keep
We wake from slumber in the early morning light
To weep our loved one, now, out of sight
We toss and turn and try to pray
Please Lord help us through another day!
And on the day where silence was once cherished
This too, has somehow perished.
Alone we fight the pain, the loss, the sorrow
While waiting for a bright tomorrow
We try to understand words that feel so cold
We try to forgive, we try to be bold
We smile that smile
We walk that walk
We love unconditionally as we feel the pain of their talk.
We do desperately grieve inside
And try to live as God abides
For our pain and sorrow runs so deep
So deep that no one can see us weep.
So grief they say, as they point their finger
Get over it, it’s done, don’t let it linger
But “we” know it doesn’t matter how many days go by
Our hearts will always know how to cry.
So tell me, what is grief and who really knows
How to do it and how it goes?
This poem captures the issues with grief. Grief is like many human emotions. It is hard to quantify, standardize, and to understand. I have found that even though Peter and I are dealing with the same loss, our grief responses are different. What sets off my tears may be quite different for Peter. In fact, I think this is why grieving the loss of a child can be so painful for a married couple. It is true under the best of circumstances, marriage requires work, patience, giving, flexibility, and compromise. Now add the worst of circumstances, a child dying, and it can wreck havoc on the individual and on the relationship as a whole.
Peter and I spent a great deal of time working on Walk related items today. However, by lunch time, Peter encouraged me to get out of my pajamas, and to take a walk by the Potomac River. At first, I couldn't foresee how I could actually do that and accomplish all that I needed to do, but I did stop, and decided to get some fresh air. The diversion was very needed. I wasn't a very good conversationalist, but Peter is quite used to my ups and downs in general, and certainly more so since Mattie's death. I started the day off very snappy, and I asked Peter if he ever felt agitated and upset for no particular reason. Peter said that he did all the time now, and understood.
Later in the day, Peter shared with me something he has been brainstorming. In fact, he told me it came to him while he was driving and doing chores today. Peter is in the process of creating a video that makes an impact and causes you to think about pediatric cancer. He played a portion of it for me today. He used a song from U2, which apparently he and Mattie would listen to on saturday mornings while they would run chores. Between Peter and I, Mattie got exposed to all sorts of music! Anycase, as Peter played me the first 40 seconds of the video, I began crying. It made me reflect on what it felt like to have Mattie diagnosed with cancer. Typically it takes a lot for me to cry, but there was something about the sound of the music and the words flashing before my eyes that got me.
I have been chatting back and forth tonight with Carolyn, our friend and the chair of the Walk's raffle. She was telling me about her day. Unlike her typical days, today was a bit more quiet, and she actually had some peaceful moments. She mentioned that at first this slower pace caught her off guard and she was unsure what to do with this time and freedom. I know we can all relate to that feeling. Our lives are busy and packed with tasks and things to do, and when we have the moment to slow down, it is almost uncomfortable and unnatural. It was in my dialogue with Carolyn, that I realized this feeling describes my daily life. I went from a person who worked, was a full time mom, and balanced many volunteer activities, to a person without most of these roles. Without Mattie in my life, a good portion of my energy and direction in life was been erased away. I told Carolyn the feeling she had today perfectly describes my daily existence.
I want to thank so many of you for registering for the Walk. As of tomorrow, we are one week away from the event. We look forward to seeing you there! I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am exhausted, reading about what you accomplished yesterday. I think I would have quit after the board meeting. Sometimes your ability to just keep going astonishes me; no wonder you felt like you were in a marathon. I think the laundry was one of the first successful steps you've made in dealing with some of Mattie's things. Just take it one day and one job at a time and know it is okay to cry or feel whatever comes up when you do. I am glad you can find things and people who can make you laugh; what a blessing Carolyn is both for her ability and her efforts to help with the walk. What a lovely email to get from Sara and how very true that Mattie learned so much of his people skills from you. As you go through today, try not to overdo it and to find a time to rest and recover. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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