Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2009, at the March for a Mattie Miracle. Mattie was participating in the magic show at the event. He has his cousin, Nat, sitting in front of him and his buddy Brandon sitting on his right hand side. From Mattie's posture, I can tell that he really wanted to leap out of his chair and into the action, because typically he never sat at the edge of his wheelchair. Mattie also loved getting his face painted, and he had a big black cat painted on his cheek, which he was very proud of.
Poem of the day: What Do I Do With the Silences? by Brenda Penepent
What do I do with the silences,
Pressing ever against my heart?
The loss of you is unmerciful.
Where do I start?
I sit staring off into nothingness,
But inside my thoughts run wild.
How do I deal with the silences,
When the silence means losing my child?
I beg for sleep, but the dreams come.
I wake with a terrible cry.
I am tormented by your memories
As they slowly go marching by.
I'm so tired, and my heart ached with loneliness
In this house with its silence profound.
What do I do with the silences?
My sobs are the only sound.
Charlie sent me this poem this morning, and it captures all the "silences" Peter and I experience in a given day. In the silence of grief, we feel terribly lonely, isolated, and almost drowning in thoughts and feelings. However, we also have the silence of living in a house without a child. When Mattie was alive, there was ALWAYS noise, unless he was sleeping. Now Peter and I live a very quiet existence, mainly without the sound of the TV, laughter, friends coming by, and the list goes on. Our existence is quite different, dramatically different, which is quite challenging.
I went to Ann's house today for a meeting with many of the team leads of the various Walk Committees. As soon as I walked into Ann's house, I could smell that she had been baking. She clearly worked hard at putting together many wonderful things for us as we spent a good chunk of the morning together. Ann's dining room table was surrounded by 11 women. It was a very productive meeting, and what I appreciated was everyone was engaged, sharing their opinions, and brainstorming ideas. The women around the table today were really core helpers during Mattie's illness and death. However, their support hasn't dwindled, their passion hasn't lessened, and their commitment to us and the Foundation seems to have only grown. What can you honestly say about such a group of people? As I told Ann today, there is so much momentum behind the Walk, and it is keeping me very busy. I am not sure how I will feel once it is all over. But I will take it one day at a time, and try not to worry about something before it even happens.
I had the opportunity to chat with Katie today. Katie is Zachary's mom. Many of my blog readers know that Zachary was one of Mattie's closest friends. They became instantaneous buddies on the first day in preschool. I spent many afternoons with Zachary, and many times they incorporated me right into their play schemes. I was the one who was usually getting chased! Katie was telling that Zachary has been worried about me and has wanted to visit with me. So tomorrow, I will get my first opportunity to reconnect with Zachary. In fact, Zachary told his mom, that he could keep me company, and spend a week with me on occasion. I dont' know about you, but I thought that was a very heartfelt and touching comment coming from an eight year old. He would leave his family for a week, just to keep me company! It is precious. Mattie and Zachary had a very special connection, and it would be very easy in my mind for Zachary to move on, make new friends, and only think about Mattie on occasion. But somehow I think even to this day, Zachary feels a connection with Mattie. I think a friendship like that in this world is very rare. I am so happy Mattie had that connection with Zachary, but yet feel for Zachary who has remained behind, and wonder how he processes this fact and feeling.
I spent part of the afternoon with Ann talking about next steps. In moments when I get overwhelmed and I can't see the forest through the trees, she helps me strategize about things to really focus my time on and other things which I just need to let go. In the midst of working on the Walk, I have my raffle committee co-chairs who serve as my comic relief. In fact, Carolyn (a RCC mom and friend) gave me a gag gift today that had me laughing from the moment I opened it, and now it is on display in my kitchen. If you want to hear about it, just e-mail me. But it is in times of stress, and I have self imposed this stress because to me this Walk symbolizes Mattie, humor is a wonderful outlet.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from Mattie's oncologist and our friend. Kristen wrote, " I wish I had the power to make your pain disappear...I wish I could chase away your tears. For now though, I will simply keep you in my prayers and my thoughts and just hope to make a little difference in your day. Thinking of you, this Tuesday and everyday."
The second message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I read your blog and was profoundly touched by the card Tamra gave you with the quote "when there are no words...... know that the silences are carrying the thoughts and prayers of all who love you." This is so true. Many people don't understand that silence is a gift. Most of us can't stand silence so we strive to fill it with words of little meaning, but others know that the true words of the heart, of the soul can only be heard in the silence. That's why Quakers sit so long in silence in prayer meeting, why some monks take a vow of silence, sometimes words are not only not enough, they get in the way. Sitting in silence with someone is a very big gift. As you can tell from what I am writing here and the poem for today, there are different kinds of silences, some lead to understanding while others are steps on a path that lead nowhere. When you find yourself on that path, the one that isn't where you want to be, know that there are many of us out here, holding out a hand and willing to sit with you in the silence of sharing and understanding and that you are not alone. Today, as I practice, in my own silent space, supported by those around me, I send you the energy and the certainty that I feel of being part of a community of souls. I hold you ever so gently in my thoughts.
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