Tonight's picture was taken in the spring of 2007. It was Mattie and Zachary's last year in preschool. Mattie and Zachary met quite frequently after preschool to play. Because their preschool was closer to Zachary's house, we landed up spending a lot of time there. However, on this occasion, Zachary came over to Mattie's home, and as you can see they built a train track together, that went from Mattie's room, down the hallway into my bedroom. They were having such a good time with each other that day, that I grabbed the camera and took a picture of them. Since I had the opportunity to see Zachary today, I thought it would be a nice way to capture the day, with this fond memory of Mattie and Zachary together. I think this picture captures their special bond.
Poem of the day: Mother and Child by Kelly Cummings
I was there.
I sat with you
the vigil through days
and nights, pleading with heaven
that I might take your place.
Heaven did not want me,
but you, my beautiful boy.
I was there.
I held your still hand,
never to clasp mine again,
as it so often did
when you were small…
How is it then,
that I look for you in every crowd?
The breeze blows open my door,
I turn to see if you are there.
Footsteps approaching,
I raise my eyes
expecting to see you,
hands in pockets, all smiles.
Then I remember anew,
that heaven has taken you.
My boy, my boy,
that you could sing to me
just one more song.
That I could hold you
in my arms once again,
if only for a moment.
How is it that I see you
around every corner?
How is it that I hear your voice
upon the evening breeze?
That lovely gossamer thread,
that binds mother and child
together,
That part of me that was you,
the part of you that was me,
Is still tightly woven together my son,
I hear you on the breeze
because you sing still,
out of heaven.
That gossamer thread
will lead me home to you,
wait for me my darling boy.
I love you.
Though I feel rather sad tonight, two things stand out about my day today. The first is that I had the opportunity to play with Abigail by the tree. Amazingly enough she knows exactly where we left off in our story line. The plot thickens however, because the two dogs (the main characters in the story), have just learned that they are actually neighbors. They did not know this fact, until they took the cruise together. But apparently they are happy to learn that they are from the same home town, and even live on the SAME street. To me Abigail is signaling me that this story is not going to end any time soon. It will only evolve over time. I am sure Abigail is not consciously aware of her decision to make the dogs neighbors, but I have noticed as the story evolves so does our friendship. In any case, I was honored that she wants the story to continue, and seems to enjoy her time climbing and chatting.
While I was outside with Abigail, Zachary and his mom, Katie, came over to visit. Zachary and Abigail were actually in the same preschool class, so in essence they know each other. Zachary also enjoyed the tree, and started to climb it as well. There is something about this tree! It is funny when I look at Abigail and Zachary (both the same age as Mattie), I try to wonder what Mattie would have looked like and been like if he were alive today. Alive without cancer. I haven't seen Zachary for a while, and when I saw him today, I could see he matured. Zachary is easy to talk with and actually quite a good conversationalist.
In between our playdate (Which is an interesting use of words, because Zachary, Mattie, and I had lots of playdates together. In a way, today was a playdate, but we were missing an important component, Mattie.), Zachary and Katie joined me on a walk to visit one of Ann's neighbors, Susan. Susan's daughter is a brain cancer survivor, and she wanted to give the Foundation a gift that she knows another girl coping with cancer would appreciate. I was very happy to accept this gift, and will be seeking a family at Georgetown Hospital to bestow this gift. Throughout the visit Zachary was engaged in our conversation, and was very patient while we all chatted for 20 minutes. In fact, I think Zachary was an important part of today's equation. It was as if we were picking up something from a neighbor on Mattie's behalf. Zachary was my Mattie representative, and I actually think having children participate on a team of Mattie Miracle workers may not be such a bad idea. Children respond to other children, and I think great lessons can be learned when you help someone who really needs companionship (a child with cancer). Zachary, Katie, and I spent about two hours together, and at the end of the visit we discussed the opportunity to get together again.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am so glad yesterday was a productive one for you. It seems everyone is hard at work and determined to make this walk a success. As you said, it is best right now to take things one day at a time. I was very touched by what Zachary said about being willing to come and spend a week with you. Not only did he have a close relationship with Mattie but he clearly included you in that relationship. That's very unusual for a 6-8 year old child. I have noticed how all the children you come in contact with seem to reach out and connect with you; Abigail is quite happy to have you as part of her storytelling team. What it says is that all of them recognize your willingness to suspend your adult demeanor and join them in real play. That's a huge gift, both your ability and their willingness to recognize and engage with you. I hope you can find a way to use it to help you and help others as you go forward. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "There is so much I want to say in reaction to yesterday's blog. I'll try to be brief. First of all, I understand how you mark the week by the day on which Mattie died. My Mom used to do the same thing regarding her week with Friday. That is the beginning of our Sabbath and it marks a 24 hour time where, if one wants, time is focused on prayer and change of routine. It is a time of silence and individual awareness. It was the time when I came over to prepare our Shabbat dinner, stay, especially during the last year, and have my daughter, Cindy's family come for dinner and a special visit. What I also read is it is a time of your deepest grieving. I was glad that you could honor this and also have a very full day in which Mattie and your family were thought of in a lively and active life. The next area that caught my breath was how Zachary wanted to visit you and give you the joy of time with a loving child. Here is a message from Mattie, I think. It may be saying that he is wanting you to be active and involved and have people at the house, even children. This is a start for you and I know that you will have a beautiful time with Zachary. If tears come and some loneliness, that is understandable as well. Another comment is about humor. I am realizing just how important humor is to healing and the process of grieving. I used to think, if I laughed after Mom's death, I was not showing her the covet (Hebrew, for honor) of her importance in my life. Actually, it is the opposite as we used to share many times of humor, although, she didn't always appreciate my 'loud' laugh , in public. I used to tell her that unless someone came over to me and told me that I was too loud, she'd just have to deal. Humor was important in your life with Mattie and I pray that it will become important again in your memories of him. I believe that you will do this in Peter and your time and now may seem just too soon. My final comment is in chorus with Charlie about the issue of silence. The poem speaks well of our silences and beautifully, too. Those who know and care about you are always available for your silence, however, you want it to be. What I read in your latest writings is a desire to quell the silences of loneliness and sadness. This makes perfect sense, yet, you do not have to do it alone. We are all here!"
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