Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2006. We took Mattie on a nature walk, and he was fascinated by a tree that fell right in the middle of the pathway. He climbed up the tree, and it seemed like the perfect picture moment. I always had my camera with me at all times, because with Mattie I found many moments that I wanted to capture. I look back now at my insistence to carry a camera, and realize just how an important a decision this was. The name Matthew, translates to "a gift from God." Mattie was a gift, and like all gifts they sometimes can be taken away.
Poem of the day: The Two of Us by Charlie Brown
Yesterday was our anniversary
Hard to believe I know
This year has been a roller coaster
Full of highs and lows
Grief often divides those
Who most need each other
Sometimes husband and wife
Perhaps sister and brother
I am so glad you
Are here with me
And that you said
It's where you want to be
We were so happy
When two became three
But now we're back
To just you and me
We're still in love
And we share our grief
And the loss of the happiness
Cancer stole like a thief
For the only thing worse
Than grieving is to grieve alone
Because if you do
Grief turns your heart into stone
So although this anniversary
Wasn't happy I fear
Know that I love you
And I treasure you dear.
I woke up today and wanted to address some of Mattie's things in our living room and on our staircase. In our living room, are piles of Legos everywhere. Some are assembled Lego structures like a Victorian village and the Taj Mahal. Others were pieces of things that fell apart over the course of this year. So between tonight and today, I salvaged many of Mattie's structures and cleaned up the stray parts scattered around. In addition, since Mattie died, all his shoes have remained lined on our staircase. This is just where Mattie liked keeping his shoes when he was alive. He liked it because before walking out the door, he could just sit on the stairs, pick the shoes that he wanted to wear, and then put them on. All these months, I never had the heart to touch these shoes. Today, I picked up six pairs on shoes on our staircase, and moved them to Mattie's room. Seeing Mattie's shoes on the staircase always seemed to assure me that a child lived in our house. Moving them today, though that may not sound like a big deal, was indeed a big deal! It was the first physical thing I have done which acknowledges Mattie's absence from our lives.
I met Ann's neighbor, Tina, for lunch today. She picked me up at Ann's house and she introduced me to a new restaurant. We had a good time chatting and getting to know each other better. She then took me to the Dairy Godmother, a family owned ice cream shop in Del Ray, VA. I have heard of this shop for years, and Mattie's preschool teacher, Lana, even gave Mattie a wand from the Dairy Godmother herself! We still have this wand. So today, I got to meet the Dairy Godmother in person and to sample two different custards. Since I love ice cream and desserts, this stop was right up my alley.
After our lunch together, I went back to Ann's house and watered all her flowers. It was 105 degrees today and everything is absolutely in need of water. I spent about an hour outside in the heat, and after that, I would have to say I was wiped out. I then headed to visit Mary. Mary had a rough day in which she was very tired. So much so, that she spent a good portion of the day napping. When I got there, I couldn't get her up, but by 4:30pm, I basically wouldn't take no for an answer. I pulled blankets off of her and started talking to her and showing her pictures that Ann sent me through email, which I printed out for Mary to see. Throughout the afternoon, I text messaged Ann, because I figured the best way to stimulate Mary would be for Ann to call her. Ann called and spoke to her mom, and as they were talking, I could see Mary perking up. I sat with her and helped her with her dinner, and we chatted about all the adventures her grandchildren were having on vacation.
Tonight, I met Tamra (our friend and co-chair of this year's Walk logistics committee) and her daughter, Louise for dinner. It was Louise's birthday today, and while she was having dinner with several of her friends, Tamra and I sat at an adjacent table and had dinner. We had a delightful conversation and covered a lot of territory. I told Tamra about my issues with moving Mattie's shoes and Tamra got my feelings right away. Tamra came up with some clever ideas about how to bring Mattie's shoes back to the staircase by using a staircase basket, as well as some other things to consider. We talked about food, family, Mattie, vacations, and so much more. We ended the evening with a delicious piece of chocolate cake. Chocolate is my medicine of choice, and I consumed enough chocolate over the last two years, to keep chocolate manufacturers in business!
While I was dining with Tamra, Peter went out to dinner with a former colleague. They had a nice time chatting, and this colleague happens to be a cancer survivor as well. So there is something to be said about being a member of this club. No one wants to join, but one thing is for sure, it is impossible not to survive the membership process without scars, insights, and a profound lifestyle and mindset change.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "What you said about marriages coming apart after the death of a child are true; I think that what helps in your case is that while you don't grieve alike you both work hard to keep the communication open and you share what you feel. You are both deeply loving, caring people and you naturally reach out to each other in the same way that you reach out to your friends, coworkers and others in your lives and that helps enormously. It is clear that you love and respect each other and that you are friends and I am glad that has carried you through the battle to this point. However, as you know better than anyone else, the path that grief marks lasts a lifetime so continue to remember to care for and be gentle and patient with each other. I can understand your divided reaction to the Post reporter's request; in a way, the entire apartment has become a shrine to Mattie's memory. It both marks his departure and yet somewhere in your heart, his things are there waiting for him to return. Allowing someone into who is not emotionally connected to Mattie, to take pictures that will be "judged" by an unknown audience is a very difficult thing. With all of this and your anniversary, I am glad that the day ended with a positive connection with Mary and the staff; I can close my eyes and see all of you there watching that movie. I know Mary appreciates all that you do and it is clear that the staff enjoys your visits as well. Would that everyone in Mary's position had someone to come and visit who cares as much as you do. As I practice today, I send you my energy to help you navigate those deep and fragile places on the path. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
No comments:
Post a Comment