Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2004. Mattie was two years old. I do not even recall this picture, but clearly Peter was catching Mattie in the moment of giving me a huge hug. He was two, but Mattie was very strong, and you just have to love his facial expression as he wrapped his arms around my neck. For some reason lately, I have tried to imagine what it actually felt like when Mattie hugged me or held my hand. As time passes, unfortunately those memories seem to fade. As does the feelings of what it was like to have a child's love. So from my perspective time is not necessarily healing, instead it can bring about additional pain or a deep sense of longing.
Poem of the day: Tuesday again by Charlie Brown
Your passing
It shook me to my soul
And evermore on Tuesdays
I will pay the toll
Some Tuesdays make me teary
Others just make me mad
Right now thinking of Tuesdays
Just seems to make me sad
I try to keep on going
I do the best I can
People ask me what I want to do
I try, but I can't plan.
Maybe in the future
Tuesday will be just another day
But for now it remains special
In a sad, sorry sort of way.
This afternoon, I attended a meeting on behalf of the counselor licensure board. The meeting was sponsored by the DC Hospital Association. The attendees at the meeting were primarily human resource personnel and other hospital administrators from the District of Columbia. The nature of the meeting was to alert these personnel to some of the changes made in the laws regulating the practice of the following professions: counseling, psychology, physical therapy, occupational therapy, and respiratory care. We also gave possible hiring scenarios that these HR personnel may be faced with, and we discussed the ethical and legal implications of hiring someone not licensed to practice in the District. It was an informative meeting, and naturally at the meeting, Georgetown University Hospital (which is located in the District of Columbia), was represented. After the Georgetown group introduced themselves to all of us, I immediately was hit with many memories of Georgetown. I wasn't daydreaming per se, but I could see my mind drifting off to the days we battled cancer at this Hospital. I quickly pulled it together, but it was an interesting trigger.
Based on the timing of the meeting, I was unable to see Mary today. Fortunately Tanja spent the afternoon with her, so she had company and was stimulated. However, I did call Mary to find out how she was and to let her know that Ann was unable to call her because her cell phone battery stopped working. I explained all of this to Mary, and it registered with her. However, Mary seemed very concerned that I did not see her today because she thought I wasn't feel well. I assured her that wasn't the reason, that I just had a meeting, but would see her tomorrow.
When Peter got home from work, we decided to cook dinner together. We cooked a new recipe from Giada De Laurentiis' cookbook. Peter and I are having fun with this cookbook, because we have cooked enough recipes from it, to know which ingredients we feel need to be altered in quantity. In any case, it was an entertaining evening with time to chat about our day. We ate dinner outside on the deck. For those of you not living in DC, you need to understand that it is VERY hot and humid out, so much so that most people wouldn't want to eat outside. However, this is the temperature I excel in and feel the most comfortable with. So Peter is a good sport as he deals with my need to be outside, and naturally if we are outside, Patches (our cat) is right beside us. Peter was telling me the ritual Patches has EVERY morning with him. As some of you may recall, I mentioned that Patches is really Peter's cat. She responds to him and follows him around as if she were a puppy. As soon as Peter's alarm clock goes off in the morning, Patches immediately greets Peter by his side of the bed and rubs her head against his feet. Patches truly is a case study, and what Peter and I find simply fascinating is all this needy behavior that she is expressing now, went away when Mattie came into our lives. Now that Mattie is gone, she has reverted back to her old ways. So perhaps we enable her behaviors, but when Mattie was around, she seemed to understand that her antics weren't our first priority. I am in a way observing Patches reaction to the loss of Mattie, and that may sound strange, but there is a definite difference in her, which clues me into the sensitivites of our furry friends.
I would like to end tonight's posting with three messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I remember when I was growing up that "cancer" was a word no one ever said. It was as if it was a curse word or a contagious disease that you would catch if you acknowledged it. I do think we've done better on that front. People will actually say that they or someone they love is battling cancer which is a good thing because it is very hard to fight a foe you allow to hide in the shadows. I believe your blog and your battle have reached far beyond your original plan of keeping people apprised of Mattie's situation and well into a number of other areas. You've taught people how to deal with the medical community, helped remind people of the important things in life, offered a myriad of ideas to people who want to reach out and help others, and even found a way to voice grief that I feel is truthful and compelling. I know that many of us have been the beneficiaries of your care and concern and appreciate that even in your grief you continue to reach out to help others. I know that Mary is thankful for your attentions and you are "her angel" as her days would be far darker without your visits. As I practice today, I send you my energy to help you continue to help others. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "I just finished the blog and loved your Mom's story. Human understanding and compassion are great gifts for everyone. Mary definitely flourishes as a result of your pinch hitting for Ann. Keep singing! Wonderful shares!"
The third message is from my colleague, Melissa. Melissa wrote, "It's been far too long since I've written, but you are never far from my heart. I continue to be amazed by how you are able to share and continue in the journey on the blog and I am so grateful to you for it. I'm grateful personally because you are continually teaching me about unimaginable grief, persistence, perseverance, survival, hope, and connection amidst the depths of utter loneliness and despair. I feel that I've always tried to be a student of life... perhaps drawn to counseling both as a way to help others and as a way for me to help myself by learning about living and coping and hardship and what makes a life most worth living. I'm learning more and more each day and I learn the most from those who are truly willing to bear their souls and be honest and go deep...so despite how sad your story and others' stories are, I am drawn to them. I want to learn so that I can be a better instrument to others during their time(s) of need. I also want to learn so that I can develop the things in me that might better help me through the tough times that are inevitably ahead. Your willingness to share and open up and be vulnerable and just be you as much as you can is so refreshing. I know that must sound so strange. But many people struggle to achieve this sort of real-ness in life. You are offering the gift of yourself and your journey to whomever will listen/read. I know that it is and will be a blessing to countless others. A mother in my church whom I did not know previously recently learned that her 4 year old daughter has stage 4 neuroblastoma. I know that each cancer is different, but the shock and horror and anticipatory grief and battle to maintain hope and provide love and protection to her child must be much the same. I've mentioned you already to her and talked about your blog. I expect that reading your earlier entries would ring quite true for her. I believe that connecting people to other's with similar experiences can be extremely helpful when dealing with something so catastrophic and so unique--others who have been there can offer a unique sense of support, encouragement and validation. I trust that at the right time she will find that in your blog or through other people like you who are willing to share and give despite all that they have lost. Thank you on her and others' behalf for that. It is truly a gift that cannot be measured. Also, I've been serving as the "meals in times of need' ministry coordinator through our church for the past two years and felt that it was a vital and practical way to serve those in our church family during their time of need. I've always been in awe of the amazing service that your friends, family and community provided (and still provide) to you and noticed that it certainly did not go unnoticed. I would love to be able to coordinate an effort that is even half of what you had in order to demonstrate our love and Christ's love through us to this single mother and her family (as well as others we've served). My determination to do so is elevated because of what I've seen in your life. I guess there is a sense of pass it on or pay it forward. I guess what I am saying is, you and Mattie and Peter have made a significant ripple in my life which I humbly hope to use to pass on to others."
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