Thursday, July 15, 2010

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2008, before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. In fact, the picture was taken close to today's date, because today is our 15th wedding anniversary. We always took Mattie to the DC Aquatic Gardens around our anniversary! Why? Because these Gardens are exquisite, and if you love water lilies and the amazing lotus flowers they produce, then you won't find a better sight in the city at this time of year. The Gardens are serene, not well known about (so they are always peaceful), and there are always nature lovers taking pictures all over the Gardens. So on our anniversary, I thought it would only be fitting to show this picture. Also note that Mattie was holding a car in his left hand!  He never went anywhere empty handed.

Poem of the day: REMEMBERING by Elizabeth Dent

Go ahead and mention my child.
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine."
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.


I began my day with Peter giving me an anniversary card. I read the card and it was very touching, and made me cry. This is our first anniversary since Mattie's birth, that we spent without Mattie present. In many ways, today was a hard day. It is hard because on some level one of the ways to mark a marriage's milestones is through one's children. Children are the symbols of our marital union, they signify in many cases the strength, beauty, and future of this union. Mattie was indeed a crucial part of our family and raising Mattie was something that bonded us as a couple and enhanced our relationship. With Mattie gone it would be easy to translate this loss down to our marriage. It takes a great deal of understanding, commitment, and love to keep a marriage going after the loss of a child. The statistics of couples who divorce after losing a child are staggering. We can easily see how this could happen, because such a loss challenges and wreaks havoc on one's mind and heart. Despite this huge and devastating loss, Peter explained to me that he can't imagine his life with anyone else, and that he is happy we have each other.

I also received a beautiful e-mail from Margaret (my friend, and Mattie's first preschool teacher) today. Margaret used an electronic greeting card company that Mattie used to love. When I opened up her card it was filled with automated flowers, butterflies, and a squirrel. Margaret would send me these types of cards when Mattie was in the hospital. Mattie literally would sit on my lap for an hour watching each and every card. So today's card made me reflect on my moments with Mattie and naturally the fact that fifteen years have gone by since I was married. Karen e-mailed me as well as Audrey, a close college friend. They both acknowledged how today must be a bittersweet day for me. Both Karen and Audrey survived our wedding day, which was about 115 degrees, and yes on that particular day I was actually HOT!

As the day progressed, I went to Ann's house to check on her garden, to weed, and water some things. While there, Peter let me know that the reporter from the Washington Post contacted him to let us know that our article will be in this SUNDAY'S edition of the Post. The reporter asked if it would be okay for a photographer to come to our home on Saturday to take a picture of us with Mattie's things. That seemed like an innocuous request, right? Well for me, for some reason it wasn't. Peter met me for lunch today, and he could see I was far from alright. I went from screaming and snappy, to completely shut off. Peter wasn't sure what was bothering me, so he kept pursuing what the issue was. He really wanted to help and understand. What bothered me was two fold. The first part has to do with the article itself. Naturally I am thrilled Rick is writing the article and following up with us from last year. However, seeing this article published for some reason signifies the permanence of Mattie's death. I of course know Mattie isn't coming back, but an article documents the loss and highlights the reasoning behind the Foundation. I am not sure why I find that hard to accept, but I do. The second part of the issue is that I feel our home looks like a preserved museum of Mattie. I want it this way and I understand why I need it this way for now, but I am not quite sure others will. So I began to get edgy about the notion that others would be coming in and perhaps evaluating my surroundings.

Through lunch, Peter and I chatted about some of these feelings and the loss of Mattie in general. We do not always get the opportunity to do this, because Peter works long hours and by the time he gets home at night, neither one of us have the energy it takes to process our grief. So moments like today are in a way a gift, because only we can truly understand the depths of this loss. During lunch, my sister-in-law called us. Since I am NOT a phone person, I normally do not talk with friends and family in this way anymore. But I did get on the phone and chatted with Lisa and was touched that she remembered us today and reached out to us. As lunch was ending, I ordered bread pudding to go for Mary. I know Mary (Ann's mom) likes bread pudding, and I wanted her to have something special for our anniversary.

I spent several hours with Mary today. She was thrilled to have the company, since she misses Ann when she goes on vacation. I helped Mary make phone calls, we chatted, and we even watched a movie together. Normally I do not get hooked into these Lifetime Movie Network films, but today's caught all our attention. The title of the movie was The Governor's Wife. The main character was clearly mentally ill and plotted her husband's death and basically planned the deaths of those around her who were going to foil her ultimate goal. I was glued to the TV, Mary was following along, and because we were so animated, even Mary's caregivers came over to the TV. Literally there were four women absorbed into this story, and at one point Mary took a phone call during the movie, but as soon as the call was over, she wanted an update on the movie. So we entertained each other today, and Mary LOVED the bread pudding.

As I close tonight's blog, a comment that Kristen (Mattie's oncologist and our friend) made on Tuesday has stuck with me. She acknowledged that I talk about a whole cast of people in the blog from day to day, or week to week. So much so, that my faithful readers may feel like they know some of my crew such as my mom, Ann, Karen, Mary, Charlie, Margaret, Nancy, Tanja, Junko, Carolyn, Ellen, Christine, Tamra, Brandon, Maya, and Jocelyn. This is the short list,  but in reality I have a long, long list of people who play very important parts in my life. I consider myself quite fortunate to have such a fine "cast." As you have grown with me over the past two years, you have in a way also tracked the thoughts and feelings of many of the people in my life. In a way, Mattie's blog is an amazing chronicle.

The blog is a historical document that now, as I look back at, I am thrilled to have it. Peter and I couldn't remember how we celebrated our anniversary last year. Well after cancer, I can't remember what I did two days ago, much less last year. So I opened the blog to July 15, 2009. I learned that this was the day we stopped Mattie's anxiety medication, and it was an extremely challenging day! It was a day filled with tantrums and mood swings, and as I read what I was living through, I wondered how on earth I survived?! In fact, after reading that posting it is much clearer why I always feel physically run down now. Because the intense stress Peter and I lived under for over 15 months was incomprehensible. Last year, we did go out to dinner though, because Louise came to play with Mattie. However, toward the end of dinner Mattie called us and wanted us to come home. I don't think he was upset, he instead had his mind made up that he needed to buy a Lego set that night, and he wasn't going to sleep without it. So after dinner, Peter took Mattie to the Lego store and that was when we acquired the Taj Mahal Lego. Which by the way is still up and assembled in the middle of my living room. It seems quite remarkable without the blog, I would have had no recollection that the Taj Mahal was purchased on our anniversary and that this structure has been in our living room for exactly ONE year.

I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am not surprised by the Georgetown Hospital attendees being a trigger for your memories. Even now, many years later, things far more removed than that will be triggers for memories for me. I think it speaks volumes to your determination and dedication that you were able to bring yourself back to the task at hand so quickly. Animals definitely are sensitive and there are many stories of their reactions to things we cannot see or feel or smell; times when they saved a life or warned of some problem that only they could identify. Animals mourn too, they react to the loss of someone (person) they love, as well the loss of another animal that they live with. I really appreciated what Melissa wrote in her email. It sums up nicely so many of the ways your blog has touched others and made them more sensitive, thoughtful and caring. Many of us who went about pretty oblivious, now realize just how blessed we are that those we love and care about are healthy and that almost everything else takes a back seat to that. As I practice today I send you my energy and I hope your visit with Mary is a good one. I hold you gently in my thoughts."