Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. This was one of Mattie's last visits at home. He was playing outside with his motorboat, in the kiddie pool sitting on our deck. His buddies Louise and Meredith gave him this captain's hat. Mattie enjoyed thinking he was the captain for the day, something he always wanted to do before he battled cancer. Mattie was fascinated by boats and water, yet once he started on chemotherapy and had a central line coming out of his chest, the idea of being on a boat and in water frightened him. So we improvised. I share with you tonight my..... Captain Mattie!
Poem of the day: Looking back by Charlie Brown
I sit surrounded by your special things
But they don't bring the comfort your presence brings
I want to have you by my side
Sometimes I dream you did not die
Many say I should move on but,
Where can I go with you gone?
A year ago they said you would die
Impossible to believe, I hoped they lied.
But it was true and now you are gone
And I have to find the strength to live on
I hope somewhere you are waiting for me
And you can explain why this had to be.
I continue to feel quite sick with a fever, cough, and other aches and pains. Some of you may recall that I battled through a summer flu in July for about two weeks, and I thought that covered me for the summer. Apparently I was wrong. Both illnesses, have left me quite debilitated and unable to move out of bed. Which for me is challenging and very unnatural. I know several of you have let me know that physical illness after a tragic loss can surface right about now, as I approach the one year anniversary of Mattie's death. I do not doubt this, nor do I doubt the sheer fact that my body is most likely immunocompromised after almost two years of very intense stress. As I move further and further away from this stress, I think my body actually doesn't know what to do with itself, and all the built up stress I have been carrying is now being expressed in this manner.
I haven't moved from bed today, and Peter has been trying his best to help me. But it is hard to know what to do, considering I am taking a host of things to try to get better. Based on how my day has been, I do not have much to report, but I do appreciate those of you who emailed me today and either told me a funny story, or have reflected on a thought with me. Your time and thoughts mean a lot to me. I am particularly fascinated by the many stories of butterfly sightings and how seeing these glorious creatures make you feel!Thank you for thinking of my Mattie in those special moments.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am sorry you are ill again. I think you are so used to continuing on through your illness that you have gotten into the habit of ignoring all but the most severe of symptoms. I remember how you ill you were while Mattie was in treatment, yet because he needed you, you kept going rather than staying in bed. While that was a good policy (probably the only possible solution) at the time, you have to relearn awareness of your physical self and how to respond to your body's needs for rest and care. This takes time and effort and is hard to do when your mind and heart are overwhelming the process with sadness and grief. I think you are going to have to make a daily conscious effort to make this connection to help reconnect yourself to your physical self. Perhaps doing this while lying in bed in the morning, before you get up would be a way for you to begin. Consciously breathe and relax and then scan yourself taking note of anything that doesn't feel right. I often begin my routine in bed with a breathing and stretching routine before I even try to rise. I find that lets me know what I might need to attend to/work on as I go through the day. Perhaps you can set up some routine that will work for you. Thank you for finding those pictures of Mattie and Abigail; you are right, he looked so animated and energized that it is hard to believe that he was not going to win the battle. As I go through the day today, I will say some special prayers for your recovery and for your strength. I hold you and Peter gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "What a powerful picture, like so many others! You have given so much through your blog. It encourages others to share and understand how to be supportive during difficult times. Obviously, others feel it too as the numbers continue to climb with readers and responders to what you share. I am glad that Mom and Dad are visiting with Peter and you.Their visit will be good for all of you. I am sorry that you are continuing to feel physically ill. As Charlie has stated over and over again, the body becomes so vulnerable when the spirit is aching. I conclude with some thoughts and pray that I continue to find a way to support you on your journey."
THE DAY AFTER by Nancy Heller Moskowitz
How can it be?
That you are no longer here.
That it was just one year,
Ago.
You were soon to leave us.
We did our best, others too.
For you, our Mighty Mattie Moon!
On this day, the day after,
We still find so little laughter.
To replace our breaking hearts.
We're told you rest in peace.
And, yet, peace eludes us.
Death lingers long with those left behind,
Will we ever feel freer in our mind?
I fear not!
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