Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2006, right outside the La Brea Tar Pits in Los Angeles, CA. Each August, Mattie and I would venture to Los Angeles to visit my parents. It is without a doubt that the place Mattie always wanted to go back and visit during each West Coast trip was to the Page Museum. Here is some information on the museum, which I think will help you understand why this was SO fascinating to Mattie.
The Page Museum is located at the Rancho La Brea Tar Pits in the heart of Los Angeles. Rancho La Brea is one of the world’s most famous fossil localities, recognized for having the largest and most diverse assemblage of extinct Ice Age plants and animals in the world. Visitors can learn about Los Angeles as it was between 10,000 and 40,000 years ago, during the last Ice Age, when animals such as saber-toothed cats and mammoths roamed the Los Angeles Basin. Through windows at the Page Museum Laboratory, visitors can watch bones being cleaned and repaired. Outside the Museum, in Hancock Park, life-size replicas of several extinct mammals are featured.
I will never forget taking Mattie to this museum for the first time. He was simply in awe, and going to this museum and so many other places with Mattie will always be etched fondly in my memory. His energy and fascination was contagious, and if I had to give an analogy, then I suppose life without Mattie is like living without your full lung capacity. Sure you can survive, but day to day living is not as easy, pleasant, or comfortable.
Poem of the day: Time to heal by Charlie Brown
Put a fence around my grief
Is that what you're telling me?
That there should be a limit
To how long/how sad I can be?
When you've lost your child
And they walk beside you no more,
You live your life knowing
You are changed forever at the core.
You know your heart will always
Bear love lost's pain
And that you'll never cease to mourn
This doesn't mean you are not sane
So give me time and
Give me space
Recovering from grief
Is not a race.
I spent the majority of today at home and in bed. I have my moments when I feel overwhelmed, tired, and fatigued, and this is definitely one of those weeks. Despite not leaving our home, thanks to my trusted Blackberry, I have instant support when I need it. Throughout the day Peter, Ann, and Karen checked in with me, and naturally with Nurse Patches (my cat) on the scene, I always have furry company.
Later this afternoon, I headed to the airport to pick up my parents who are visiting for a couple of days before going on an overseas trip. I will see them when they return from their vacation as well. I am not sure how I got so lucky today, but I never hit any traffic, and I was driving during rush hour. For one minute, I wondered what city I was in, because I never experienced such open roads. My parents and I had a chance to catch up on the car ride back into town, and we even sat down and had tea together until Peter was able to leave work and have dinner. My mom and I used to talk almost on a daily basis before Mattie got sick, and as many of you now know, I am telephone averse. So this makes staying connected much more complicated. So needless to say, we had a lot to catch up on in person, that no e-mail or text message can replace.
When my parents got into my car today, my dad commented on the rubber lizard sitting on my dashboard. This lizard was Mattie's of course, but it wasn't sitting on my dashboard until yesterday. On Tuesday, I had Ann's two girls in my car. Abbie, Ann's youngest daughter, loves to go through the compartment in the armrest in my back seat. This is the compartment Mattie stored many of his trinkets. I have removed many, but some still remain. Any case, Abbie once listened to a story many months ago, where I told her and Katharina that when I was driving, Mattie would occasionally throw things at me. He wanted to startle me, and he did a good job at this, especially when he threw fake spiders, lizards, and other creepy crawling things my way. Over time, I became immune to Mattie's games, and never drove off the road, but in the beginning, he definitely surprised me. Well Abbie remembers this story quite well, and when she is in the car with me, she seems to take over Mattie's role. Yesterday, as I was sitting in the front seat, minding my own business, a lizard came whirling through the air and into my lap. She made me laugh, and instead of throwing it back, I decided to put this green cutie on the dashboard. So Lizzy remains with me up front!
We all went out to dinner tonight, and what always surprises me is how many people eat out during a weekday. The restaurant was lively and the atmosphere somewhat perked me up. I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "In my opinion, there is a difference between grief and depression. Yes, grief can turn into depression but should certainly not be diagnosed that way in the beginning nor should it be treated as one treats depression with drugs. Our quick fix society is impatient for people to recover, to move on but that is not the way to healing; some things cannot be rushed. When you see someone who after a significant amount of time cannot work, cannot reestablish a routine, then intervention may be necessary but as you said, it should be a mental health person making that diagnosis. To feel grief after twenty years doesn't say illness to me, it says deep and abiding love. If you have locked yourself in the house or have no relationships still, that says illness. Generalizations don't help in the diagnosis of grief versus depression; I find it is a warning note that sounds in my head and my gut when I am in the second or third hour of listening to a client. And then I start listening for the clues to which or both situations we are dealing with. What primary care physician has the time or experience to do that? You and Peter are certainly sad, certainly grieving, but is it depression? I would say no at this point and I would be reluctant to suggest medications unless you said you simply could not cope with the level of feelings you are experiencing. Today as I spend my time communing with nature, breathing and be-ing, I send you the strength that I get from that renewal. I hold you and Peter gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote a message to me and a message and poem to Peter.
Good Evening Vicki,
I'm glad that you were able to turn over the blog to Peter tonight as I know that it takes a lot out of you each day. The picture tonight as all the others show Mattie's essence and as a faithful blog reader, I appreciate knowing much about him. It is amazing to me how one can feel a person even though they have never met. It just shows that when you are ready you will be able to pen the book so many of us feel you have in you. You have given us so much in friendship. Your family is a beautiful example of unconditional love, a quality that is not held by enough families. Be well and continue taking care of yourself.
Hi Peter,
I know that Vicki is the constant scribe of the family, yet, you spoke so eloquently this evening. I hope that we will meet one of these days as I know that we are already friends. I am sorry that people are having so much trouble asking you how you are feeling. Unfortunately, it is not unusual as death is so difficult for many to discuss especially when they are discussing a child's death. You are a special man and are a great dad. I love it when Vicki shares about Mattie and your excursions or activities. Your Lego marathons are priceless. Please know that you are always in my thoughts along with Vicki and Mattie. I wish you a good sleep and peace often. Please take care of yourself too as often when we are caregiver to those we love, we sometimes forget about ourselves. Thank you for all of your perceptions and shares.
PETER'S TALE by Nancy Heller Moskowitz
This Tuesday, Daddy spoke.
His words not often heard.
For many, at work, appear unsure of what to say .
Do they fear that asking will cause him pain?
What they don't realize is his loss is always there.
In order to grieve fully, he must have a voice!
To remember,
And share his memory of his cherished Mattie.
Thanks for speaking out today,
Marking another week of pictures and stories.
A week where Daddy spoke,
And we are here to listen.
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