Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. I found this electronic file accidently last week, and I am so happy I did, because the pictures are wonderful. I have many more from this file to share with you in the next several weeks. This picture was taken in Tanja's backyard. In fact, behind me, you can see Katharina (Tanja's daughter), pushing me and Mattie on the swing. Since I was Mattie's age, I have always loved swings and especially tree swings. There is something very freeing about swinging and being outdoors, and Mattie shared this feeling.
Mattie wanted to go on the swing that day, I could tell he really wanted to, but I could also tell he was frightened and did not want to go on it alone. Afterall, remember Mattie had surgery on three limbs and also had a central line coming out of his chest. Instead of making Mattie feel awkward, I asked him to go on the swing with me. He had to help me, and not the other way around. Mattie appreciated the way I presented the offer to him, and he gladly sat on my lap. What you need to also understand was there were bubbles being blown at us while we were swinging, and Mattie was using his feet to try to pop them while swinging. The perfect game for the boy in constant motion! Tanja and I were chatting electronically last night about this very picture. We both thought of this day at the very same time, and as Tanja aptly pointed out, on that day in the picture Mattie seemed like a happy boy, not a boy with cancer. Special memories like this are priceless, and I can still recall what it felt like swinging with Mattie and having his face against mine.
Poem of the day: Built of Memories by Charlie Brown
I thought of you today.
Of course I did, you'd say.
But this time it was without a tear,
For the thing that I always fear,
Will never happen, I now know,
For you'll be in my heart wherever I go.
I am building a bracelet of memories,
That I can take along with me.
When I am feeling extra blue
It will give me a little "shot of you"
It will remind me of the love we shared,
And how much I wish that you were spared
The fight to live and all the pain,
But my wishes can't bring you back again.
So I build bridges to your memories
To help to keep you close to me.
Today was beyond hot in Washington, DC. I like heat, but even this heat was too much for me. We had a code Red alert in the District of Columbia, and I could see why. I did a lot of running around and in the process, wore myself out. That isn't hard to do especially when you are sleep deprived. In the middle of running around, I had an appointment to get a manicure and pedicure. It was my hope that sitting still would ease my intense headache and my feelings of immense stress with September 8 approaching. It worked for a short period of time, but as soon as my appointment was over, and I started running around again, my stress resurfaced.
I visited Mary (Ann's mom) in the later part of the afternoon. Not unlike myself, Mary was very tired. I sat with her and helped her with her dinner, and then after dinner, I rubbed some lotion on her hands. Before visiting Mary though, I went out to get her a cherry blossom fragrant lotion that I use on her hands. Mary had admired this lotion on me the other day, and she told me she loved the way it smelled. So I decided to give her a tube of this lotion to keep and use whenever she wanted to. Do I think this lotion is going to solve her physical ailments, not at all, but some times receiving a gift and knowing that someone cares about you, makes a great deal of difference. I know this first hand thanks to Team Mattie!
Over the course of the last few days, I have been brainstorming what I would like Peter and I to consider doing on September 8, 2010, the first anniversary of Mattie's death. As my readers can see at the top of the blog, we are inviting you to consider writing an email to us and sharing a Mattie story, or your reflection on how this blog and/or Mattie's battle has impacted your life. I welcome stories, paragraphs, one or two sentences, a picture, or whatever you wish to reflect upon. Our Mattie supporters are a very valuable part of our lives, and we welcome your insights, because I have found through your insights it helps me see, feel, and re-evaluate aspects of my own life and experiences. I would love to post these messages on the blog on September 8, and I can't think of a better way to honor and remember Mattie than by having all of us reflect on his life and his battle. Stay tuned for the other ideas we have decided upon to remember Mattie this year!
I would like to end tonight's posting with three messages. The first message is from Mattie's oncologist and our friend, Kristen. Kristen is with her husband and newborn son on a family vacation. However, despite being on the road, she hasn't forgotten that today is Tuesday, and with that starts another week Mattie is gone from our lives.
The second message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "What a beautiful charm and how appropriate that Margaret gave it to you. I looked up the Pandora jewelry on the web and there are so many different charms and ideas that you can certainly create something that is unique and deserving of your memories with Mattie. Your patience and caring for Mary is a real mitzvah; how lovely of you to put her fear of being childish to rest. It is a real blow to one's self esteem as an adult to be helpless and dependent on others and your ability to assist Mary in self care and self advocating is wonderful and it is clear that she appreciates that. I hope you have lots of "bird traffic" on your deck; I love watching the birds in my yard; they definitely add to my day. You have a busy week ahead and all of the events are good ones. They are however, emotional ones so expect that you might find yourself in tears or even shutting down and allow yourself to be "what and where" you need to. On another Tuesday, I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The third message is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "Each time that you go to visit Mary, your sensitivity radiates in your time with her. It is so important to give our elders the time to remember and you encourage that so thoughtfully. You think of bringing her something each visit and have no expectations of a thank you. As Charlie said, you truly are doing a mitzvah. Your bracelet from Margaret is starting a special memory. The sun charm is perfect . How appropriate that Margaret would do this as her class was where many Mattie traditions began. With this gift, the sun will always shine for you. Will the hummingbird feeder go on your patio or be attached to Mattie's tree? Nature is really becoming a major part of your life. Each time you share some other picture of Mattie and a creepy crawley, it shows how he understood the connection between humans and nature. As September approaches, I'm sending you extra energy to deal with the next weeks."
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