Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. Ann and her family went on a trip to Hershey Park, and she brought back a Hershey's kiss pillow for Mattie. The pillow was red, his favorite color! Though Mattie was NOT a chocolate person, he appreciated the softness of this gift, and of course being thought of. As you most likely can see in the background of this picture, there was A LOT going on. Right in front of the window, was a suspension bridge that Peter and Mattie built together. In addition to that, there was a Lego house creation in yellow behind Mattie, along with an airport in the back left of the picture. In usual Mattie fashion, there was a whole play scheme developing. Mattie was far from a couch potato. He never stood still, his mind and body were in constant motion. This was a blessing and a curse as a parent, because it took a great deal of creative energy to keep Mattie busy. I have no doubt though that it took his super human energy to fight the form of Osteosarcoma Mattie had, his disease was not for the meek, and he fought it like a champ.
Poem of the day: An Unexpected Gift by Charlie Brown
Who would think that such a simple task
Like painting the deck could bring tears?
Is it the memories that it invokes,
Or the covering over of your memory I fear?
It's been a weekend of ups and downs,
And one very special gift
I found some things of yours
I never knew to even exist.
Some artwork created by your hands
What an unexpected discovery,
Hidden away like a treasure trove
A belated gift from you to me.
I was sleeping peacefully last night until 4am. At 4am, I was jolted awake. I had a vivid dream that someone was trying to kill Peter and I. In fact, what woke me up in the dream, was that I heard a phone ringing. Peter answered the phone, and the killer was on the other end of the line. Needless to say, this was disturbing enough to me, that I awoke startled and couldn't return to sleep until after 6am. Naturally Patches heard me up and about and she began her meowing/moaning routine. I have had other dreams over the course of this year that focus upon our death. Usually some sort of untimely death in which we are being attacked or chased. Since this content is very atypical for me, my conclusion is this is how my mind is working out my fears regarding cancer and dying. Many months ago, Ann sent an email to her friends with various questions in it. One question was.... what do you most fear? My answer then and now is CANCER. I don't really fear death, I have seen what that looks like, but cancer is a threat that produces fear, pain, disability, depression, anxiety, and wreaks havoc on families. I guess what I am saying is I am working through what happened to Mattie consciously and subconsciously.
I spent the later part of the day visiting Mary (Ann's mom). Before the visit, I stopped at CVS to buy Mary some new nail polish and then went to Dairy Queen to get her ice cream. Mary requested ice cream yesterday, not necessarily from Dairy Queen, but she remembered the ice cream I brought her before and requested the same kind. Mary and I chatted a bit today while I was doing her nails. I think doing an activity with Mary keeps her busy, focused, and chatting. Yesterday it was ring cleaning and today it was getting a manicure. I am not sure what we will work on tomorrow, but she has me thinking. While Mary was having dinner, I sat next to her, and helped her, but basically made her feed herself. She was listening to what I was chatting about to her caregiver. I learned today that one of Mary's caregivers hasn't had a vacation in three years. There are various reasons for this, but the point was I felt great empathy for this woman. She has a 10 year old son who lives in another Country and she hasn't seen him in this time. Mary and I couldn't imagine not seeing our sons for three years, so I assure you it was a lively conversation, a conversation that most likely wouldn't have unfolded by itself unless I initiated it. Mary is a very social person, and I have to imagine this level of stimulation is good for her. The sad part is whether I spend five minutes or three hours with Mary, tomorrow she most likely won't remember that I visited today. With that simple fact, some of you may be saying..... then why visit? Or why visit for so long? I suppose my answer is, in the end I know what I did, and receive personal satisfaction from it, whether Mary can report about it or not. In the end, it is my hope that my presence makes her day just a little brighter, even if it is just in the moment, while her daughter is out of town.
I am happy to report that the deck has been successfully painted, not without incidence of course. This morning Patches snuck outside while Peter was painting and then came inside with paint all over her paws. I have learned that yelling at a cat with painted paws doesn't actually accomplish the intended goal. Instead the more I yelled the more she ran all over our carpets. At first, I was upset, but then Peter and I laughed it off! Fortunately the paint came off of everything, otherwise, I am not sure I would have remained laughing! I look forward to dinner outside tomorrow night, and I have missed being on the deck this weekend. Peter and I had another nice dinner together, and we continued to listen to musicals in the background. Tonight, we were literally playing 'name that tune' and also guessed who was singing each song.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie also sent me the "Story of the geese." I happen to love geese, and I have used facts about geese in many keynote professional presentations. We can learn a great deal from our geese friends, and I am happy to share this story with you tonight.
Charlie wrote, "I am sure it was difficult to pry those gels off, not just physically but emotionally as well. However, they do block the sun both literally and figuratively and perhaps this can be one step in clearing those things which are no longer so compelling so that you can find the more important things which lie underneath. It seems to me that in exchange for this difficult work you received a gift you might not otherwise have found had you not taken on this task. I love those "hands" that Mattie created; the colors are wonderful and how special that they spell out his name. They remind me of some wall art I've seen and I wonder if they could be fitted with hooks and hung up somewhere? I know you are concerned about the Betta fish you are caring for but I am sure it will do fine. I think Big Red was a visible connection to Mattie and that's why the fish did not stay. I heard George Strait's song yesterday when I was in the car and I immediately thought of you and Peter and I hope that you again find those good "moments that will take your breath away." Since you mentioned the geese, it brought to mind this story of the geese which for me symbolizes Team Mattie. I don't know if you've seen it before or not so here it is. As always I hold you gently in my thoughts."
Story of the Geese
As each goose flaps its wings, it creates an "uplift" for the birds that follow.
By flying in a "V" formation, the whole flock adds 71% greater
flying range than if each bird flew alone.
People who share a common direction and sense of community
can get where they are going quicker and easier because
they are traveling on the thrust of each other.
When a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag
and resistance of flying alone. It quickly moves back into
formation to take advantage of the lifting power
of the bird immediately in front of it.
If we have as much sense as a goose, we stay in formation with those
headed where we want to go. We are willing to accept their
help and give our help to others.
When the lead bird tires, it rotates back into the formation
to take advantage of the lifting power of the
bird immediately in front of it.
It pays to take turns doing the hard tasks and sharing leadership.
As with geese, people are interdependent on each others' skills,capabilities,
and unique arrangements of gifts, talents, or resources.
The geese flying in formation honk to encourage
those up front to keep up their speed.
We need to make sure our honking is encouraging. In groups where there
is encouragement, the production is much greater. The power of
encouragement (to stand by one's heart or core values and to
encourage the heart and core values of others)
is the quality of honking we seek.
When a goose gets sick, wounded, or shot down, two geese drop out
of formation and follow it down to help and protect it.
They stay with it until it dies or is able to fly again.
Then, they launch out with another formation
or catch up with the flock.
If we have as much sense of geese, we will stand by each other
in difficult times as well as when we're strong.
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