Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. Mattie was sitting at the art therapy table in the Lombardi Clinic. Next to Mattie was Katie (one of Mattie's favorite HEM/ONC nurses, who he affectionately called Dorothy, for the beautiful red shoes she wore), and his great buddy Jocelyn. If you look closely you will see that Mattie was holding something made out of wood with eyes on it. That day Mattie made alligators, complete with eyes and sharp teeth. In fact, these alligators are clipped to my kitchen pot racks, and stare at me each day. Mattie's physical presence is no longer with us, but his art surrounds us and reminds us of him each and every day.
Quote of the day: Our grief always brings a gift. It's the gift of greater sensitivity and compassion for others. We learn to rise above our own grief by reaching out and lessening the grief of others. ~ Robert Schuller
I had a bad night of sleep on Friday. Mainly because I had a disturbing dream. Parts of the dream were fuzzy, and others very crystal clear. I was living in a place like Florida because it was warm and I had easy access to the ocean. In the dream I was taking many children to a movie theatre to see a film. All the children were young girls, around 8 or 9 years of age. In addition, to these little girls I had friends in the dream with me who I hadn't seen in a while. Friends that go back to the days when I was in elementary school and even in college. In the theatre, the girls were excited to see the film. The lights go down and the movie starts. Then about five minutes into the movie, the house lights come on, and the management for the theatre comes in and makes an announcement. They let us know that a tropical storm was going to hit, and we needed to be prepared because it had come on suddenly. In this particular theatre, one of the walls, was made completely of windows and I could see the ocean and the sky. Within minutes, in the dream, I could see ominous waves hit the theatre and I could see the clouds swirling around. Then before we all knew what was happening a tidal wave hit the theatre, and the theatre was removed from its foundation and was floating in the ocean. I could feel the panic that I was in and I was desperately trying to calm the girls down who were with me. We then determined the only way out of this disaster, was to find a way to escape the theatre, which was now slowly sinking under water. Miraculously, I got all the girls to safety and then one of the girls screamed at me and asked me where was ABBIE?! In my dream, I was trying to understand this request, and realized somehow that Ann's daughter was in this theatre. Again I panic, because I did not realize Abbie was with us, and once I figured this out, I knew that I could't let Abbie drown. So I go back into the water (note to readers.... I AM NOT A STRONG SWIMMER!), and I found a girl with red hair, who looked like Abbie, but when I grabbed her hand under water, I realized this wasn't really Abbie afterall. So I continued to go back at it. I finally found Abbie and pulled her out of the water to safety.
Needless to say, I woke up at 3:30am, and I had a massive headache from this dream. I found this dream disturbing, because I could hear the screams, sense the panic in the children, feel the waves, and this was bad enough, but Abbie in the dream was a twist I did not expect. In my dream, I am fighting to save CHILDREN. I can't help but think that I subconsciously am trying to work on this struggle within myself, which is having to accept that I couldn't save Mattie. However, when Abbie came into my dream, I found myself finding the energy to jump back in the water because I recall feeling that I did not want Ann to go through what I am now dealing with. So to me the dream was confusing and has multiple meanings, perhaps it is also tied to my desire now to help children and their families fighting the ultimate battle, cancer.
While Peter was journeying to New York, I was attending the memorial service of my friend's mom. Mary Ann's mom died of cancer in July. I had the opportunity to meet Mary Ann's mom (Connie) several times throughout the years, since Mary Ann and I went to graduate school together. Connie was a very sweet and gentle woman and she happened to find Mattie delightful and would send him gifts periodically. When I recently learned of Connie's cancer and what Mary Ann was about to face, it was overwhelming. As Mary Ann said to me today, I helped paved the road for her. I told her I wish this was a road she never had to see or traverse.
When I attended Connie's memorial service, my main goal was to support Mary Ann. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I am pretty sure I never thought that the Reverend was going to deliver a message that would deeply touch my heart. But in essence his words, which he reminded us were not his words, but God's words in the Bible, were powerful. He began by saying that when you are with God, all pain is gone. He was speaking to the end of Connie's pain from cancer, and I naturally couldn't help but reflect on both Connie and Mattie. As he continued to talk, I found myself absorbed and yet mortally wounded at the same time. He was saying that this life is painful and filled with heartache, and therefore we must believe that there is something better out there. I related to this comment ten fold. He wanted us to understand the importance of having faith in God and knowing that we all have a place or "mansion" in heaven.
The Reverend then spoke to us about what it was like when Jesus' friends and disciples learned that he was going to die. They were confused, perplexed, and most of all, as any good friend, they couldn't understand why they weren't able to go with him. They couldn't imagine their lives without their friend in it. However, the Reverend explained that in living one has to learn to trust certain people, people who you are close to. Not everyone deserves or earns this trust, but Jesus felt that if his friends loved him, they needed to trust him. They needed to understand that he was dying for a purpose, and the purpose was to provide them and all of us a PLACE in heaven. The Reverend explained that there are three things that God wants us always to remember in life..... PLACE, PERSON, and PROMISE. I am not eloquently delivering this message, but he was saying that if we believe in God, then we know that he will always have a place in heaven for us, and this place has been secured for us through the sacrifice of Jesus' life, and through this sacrifice, a promise has been made to us eternally. Well by the time he delivered this message, which I assure you, was done in a passionate, open, and compelling manner, I was simply crying. I went through a half a packet of tissues today. Then people got up to talk about their memories of Connie's life, and her friends were deeply moved by her love and generosity of spirit. Hearing about how such a tender person lost her life through cancer, was a little hard to manage. It was a beautiful remembrance of Connie today, and though there was lunch after the memorial, I had to leave. I just couldn't compose myself, and when I went up to say goodbye to Mary Ann, I gave her a hug, and really couldn't say much more. I was in tears, she understood, and in the end I did not feel like I was much of a support for her. However, as time goes on, I find that at times I am truly able to face Mattie's death, and when those moments happen, they aren't pretty.
When I left the church, I called Peter. He was in route to New York, and when he first started talking to me, he wasn't sure if I was hurt, injured, or had an accident. I spoke to him for a while, and it literally took me a good hour to decompress for the service. I knew I couldn't go directly home, so I went grocery shopping instead.
I made lunch and sat on our deck this afternoon. Patches was right along side me, and I needed this quiet time before moving onto the next activity. I visited with Mary, Ann's mom, today because I know she misses Ann when she can not see her daily. I helped Mary with dinner and then after dinner I suggested we sit outside. Mary's caregivers took issue with my suggestion and said to me it was too hot for Mary. Mind you I have sat outside in much hotter weather with Mary. I overrode their decision, and said she needed to go outside and have fresh air. I know what it feels like to be in an air conditioned environment all day long, and I also know how wonderful it is to get a reprieve from that and take in the sun and see trees. Mary and I sat outside together for a half an hour and we chatted about vacations she took during her lifetime. When I left Mary tonight, she had two comments. The first comment was she was happy I suggested we sit outside, because she said it was so "pretty" to see the trees and the second comment is she wants to know how Ann was lucky enough to find a friend like me. She says she never met someone (who she wasn't related to) who takes such good care of her whole family. It was a very sweet and thoughtful comment, and I certainly appreciate Mary's ability to be able to express her thoughts and feeling with me.
After I visited with Mary, I headed to my friend, Tanja's house. Tanja hosted a successful Pampered Chef party. I have never heard of the company Pampered Chef. But I learned tonight that this company was bought out by Warren Buffet. Interesting! In any case, there were seven women in attendance tonight, and we learned to work together to make an appetizer, sangria, and chocolate lava cake using Pampered Chef kitchen gadgets. We all had a good time chatting with each other, cooking together, and tasting the finished products. Twenty percent of the proceeds from tonight's event (since among the seven of us, we bought a lot of products!) go to the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation. I am grateful to Tanja for hosting such an event, and certainly I appreciate Mary, Tina, Viki, Jamie, and Laura for attending.
For those of you who would like to learn more about Pampered Chef and/or are looking for kitchen products for yourself or a friend, you are welcome to visit this link:
http://www.pamperedchef.biz/rklazor?page=product-order-how-to-purchase
If you would like the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation to receive a portion of the proceeds from your purchase then you will need to enter in the following name as your host on the webpage: Tanya Harding
ALL orders for the Pampered Chef have to be submitted by 9/29/10. Thank you for your consideration!
I spoke with the Pampered Chef consultant tonight and was already brainstorming ways we can get her involved with the Foundation. I am thinking about ways to spoil moms around the holiday season who are caring for children in the hospital with cancer. Rachel, the consultant, was open to pursuing these ideas with me, and I appreciated her openness to support our cause.
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