Saturday, October 2, 2010

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. Mattie was in the PICU, and that particular day he received a visit from his school counselor, Susan. Susan brought Mattie this incredibly beautiful butterfly balloon, and this card (which was the size of a book). This card was NO ordinary card, because when you opened it up it played the hamster dance song. Susan introduced Mattie to that song, and it always made him laugh. I included the link to it in case you have no idea what I am talking about.
http://www.superlaugh.com/1/hamsterdance.htm
This card and this song brought Mattie great joy and lots of laughter. In fact, we ended up looking for this song on the internet, and Mattie just loved bouncing around to it in his wheelchair. I am sure it is hard to believe that a balloon and a musical card could transform Mattie's mood but I am living proof to the power of a thoughtful gift.

You should also note other objects hanging in the room. From the ceiling, you can see silk screen circles. Mattie decorated each of these silk screens, and during many hospital admissions, I would stand on a chair (to the great dismay of Mattie's nurses), and hang these decorations from the ceiling. Mind you with each admission I would decorate Mattie's room, and then when he was discharged, I would have to disassemble everything and box it up to prepare for the next admission. I am sure to the outsider this effort seemed ridiculous. But it wasn't ridiculous if you consider this two by four of a room was our home for days and nights on end. Also notice both sets of praying origami cranes in the room. One always hung on Mattie's IV pole and the 1000 cranes always hung from the ceiling over Mattie's bed. Just like the silk screen circles came out with each admission, so did the praying cranes. The praying cranes are still in my possession and they are boxed in Mattie's room at home.

Quote of the day: When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart and you shall see in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~ Kahil Gibran

Can one feel great sorrow without having experienced great delight? I do agree with this quote in the sense that Mattie was our great delight, and because he was such a force in our lives, Peter and I are now left with a major hole in our hearts and lives. A hole that produces incredible sorrow. Weekends are incredibly challenging for Peter and I. Not that the weekdays are splendid, but these days are structured with work for Peter, and somehow his structure impacts me. But the weekends are fluid. They of course weren't this way when we were raising Mattie. There was always some sort of plan for the weekend, and even if for some reason there wasn't, playing and engaging Mattie occupied our days. With Mattie being gone, there is a loss of our roles and at times our identity.

I had the opportunity today to go to Del Ray, Virginia and attend Art on the Avenue with my friend, Tina. Many of you may recall that Tina is Ann's neighbor, who hosted my birthday party this year. Art on the Avenue is a multicultural arts festival celebrating the diversity of the Del Ray community through the arts. More than 200 artists and artisans of all kinds sell their work. There were three stages of music, children's art activities, including scarecrow making and pumpkin painting, and vendors offering various food specialties.

This event was incredibly well attended, yet despite the crowd, it was very civilized and manageable. We had lunch together, strolled the main street filled with vendors, saw bands, a magic show, and bumped into numerous people we knew. I have come to the conclusion Alexandria, VA is a small place in many ways, with a community feeling that you just can't get living in the city of Washington, DC. Tina and I talked to various artists today, and we connected with two wonderful photographers who were displaying their works at the event. The way they captured their subject matter was intriguing and unique. One of the photographers was an art teacher by day, and clearly an artist in her spare time. She recently went on a trip to Italy, and as Italy can do, it inspired her. The architecture clearly moved her and she created a beautiful representation of the Colosseum in Rome. She had a delightful and warm personality and as I told her about Mattie's Foundation, she seemed eager to help in some way. The other artist created photographic collages. He did this by taking multiple pictures of a single setting or object, and then almost fit the pictures together like a jig saw puzzle to make a fascinating collage.

At the event, we bumped into Mattie's closest preschool buddy, Zachary and his mom, Katie. Zachary showed me something he bought at the event, it was a Lego necklace. Naturally I couldn't help but think of Mattie when I saw the necklace or Zachary for that matter. I also bumped into our friend, Olivia. As many of you know, Olivia was instrumental in helping us plan Mattie's celebration of life event at the Georgetown Visitation Prep School. I had the chance to meet all four of Olivia's daughters today, and naturally again, I couldn't help but feel the deep loss for who was missing from my life. Olivia and I always have a wonderful time talking and she asked me today whether I plan on doing private practice work because she felt that there were so many people who could use my particular style, personality, and skills. It was a very lovely compliment and I did take it to heart.

As Tina and I were strolling, we stopped at one of the performance stages. I began to look at who was on stage, and from a distance, I knew I recognized the face. It was NONE other than, THE MAGIC MAN! Mattie's head of the lower school, Bob Weiman. Bob was performing magic tricks, along with several sixth grade students from the St. Stephen's and St. Agnes School. They did a wonderful job, which isn't always easy to do when performing in front of a crowd of people. I snapped a picture of Bob performing a rope trick. In this particular scene you can see that he transformed a rope that was cut in two, and tied with a knot, back into a single, unknotted rope again!

Bob and I traded emails with each other at the event. One comment that Bob wrote to me, stuck in my head. It pertained to the Pork Barrel BBQ restaurant. The Pork Barrel BBQ restaurant was a vendor at today's event. When Bob saw this restaurant selling their products he couldn't help but think of Mattie. I couldn't have agreed more, and I told Bob, I was happy I wasn't alone in this thinking. The Pork Barrel BBQ restaurant was a great supporter of our 2010 Walk and also donated a case of their famous BBQ sauce to our raffle. Grief is a funny thing, because little things can set you off, things you may not always be prepared for or expect.

Tina and I met each other around 11:30am and we did not finish up at the event until around 5pm. So we were on our feet and quite engaged the whole time. But it was a beautiful weather day, and therefore a glorious day to be introduced to such a creative and charming fair.

When I got home, I began doing chores, but I could feel that internally I wasn't happy, and unfortunately I landed up taking my own issues out on Peter. I find when I observe fun, families together, and perceived happiness, this at times can send me for a loop. It makes me see and feel my reality of Mattie's loss in a very painful way. It is a hard reality to know that you will never see your child again, that you won't see him grow up, that you are no longer the recipient of those special hugs, kisses, and expressions of "I LOVE YOU," and when drowning in these feelings, it is hard to see a way out. I also find that it is hard to ride an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs, with yesterday being a more positive day, and toward the end of today, being a day that I find myself upset again.