Tonight's picture was taken after October 20, 2008. I can tell because Mattie was unable to use his right arm in this picture, so therefore I know he was home recovering from his first limb salvaging surgery. Despite the pain he was in, you just couldn't keep Mattie down. We were outside flying a kite together, and this did bring him fleeting joy. But we took joy in whatever format it came to us in back then! Prior to having Mattie, I can't say I ever flew a kite. However, when Mattie came along, kite flying was something I wanted him to be able to enjoy, especially when visiting the beach. So one summer, Peter taught both of us how to fly a kite, and from that point on, Mattie and I always took advantage of a windy day outside our home. This was just one of many examples!
Quote of the day: Out of love comes suffering, out of suffering comes love. That is the mystery. ~ Louise Cordana
I have to admit that prior to Mattie's cancer, tonight's quote wouldn't be as meaningful to me. I most likely would have been able to appreciate the sentiment, but I would not have been able to truly comprehend the level of emotion and love that can come out of the death of a child. It is very evident that Peter and I suffer much, because Mattie was so special and loved by us. But in caring for Mattie, we saw the beauty in those around us. The beauty of a team who provided us meals, toys, and just about whatever we needed through a 15 month crisis. Some days I rather be naive to this level of love that can come from suffering, because that would mean that cancer did not consume Mattie. Despite our great loss and our emptiness, I am aware of the love that suffering brought us. I do not mention it often, but it is a factor in my life that I reflect upon daily.
I began my morning with a conference call to the researcher and psychologist at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, Anne, who I have been telling you about the past couple of days. I enjoyed connecting with Anne, and learned much more about her instrument and feel better prepared to talk with Dr. Shad and her mental health team next Tuesday. As Anne mentioned to me today, I am unfortunately in an unique position of being a mental health professional and also a parent who survived pediatric cancer. Though I know that on some level, I appreciated her acknowledgement of this fact. Within a couple of weeks, I feel as if I have accomplished a great deal through literature searches, reading, and now connecting with the developer of the instrument. For me, I have to take these small steps as major accomplishments.
After talking with Anne, I wanted to take a walk, but it was pouring out. So instead, I went down to the treadmill in our complex's gym. I spent an hour on that machine, and walked 3.8 miles. The funny part about this is once I got off, I felt motion sick. I literally felt as if I was still walking, when I was sitting still. Fortunately that feeling passed quickly. When I came back home, I heard a noise coming from Mattie's room. It literally sounded like a bird was stuck in the room and was chirping. As I began to locate the sound, I realized it wasn't a bird, but a toy chickie I gave Mattie one Easter. I remember how he loved that chickie and how it chirped! To get to the chickie to shut off the sound, I literally had to jump over boxes, and even climb on top of Mattie's bureau to reach the toy. In the midst of doing this, I saw MOUSIE. Mousie was a rubber mouse that Mattie got as a prize from Kathie, his occupational therapist, years ago. Mattie loved this mouse, and I must admit I hadn't seen it for over a year. When I saw the mouse, I felt as if I was transported in time, and I literally couldn't even touch the mouse. I just looked at it. When I told Peter about this chickie episode tonight, Peter asked me whether the battery on the toy was going, or whether this was a message from Mattie?! With Mattie anything is possible!
I later met Ann at the mall for lunch, and we chatted and looked at clothes. In our journey, we ran into Michelle. Michelle's daughter and Mattie were in the same preschool classroom at Resurrection Children's Center. It was nice to have this chance occurrence and to have a few minutes to catch up.
I spent the rest of the afternoon, working on a handout packet to bring with me to the Hospital meeting next week. I may not be teaching at the moment, but I can say that the skills I had as an educator are coming into play as I create a handout about a psychological instrument. As I always told my students, once you acquire skills, they can be used in many different ways and settings. Not just in one set prescribed way.
As always we had a fun time with Jerry and Nancy. When we meet them, we always go to the same restaurant and we order the same Washington tradition, known as the Mighty Moe. Which is an incredible hamburger that is hard to describe. Tonight at dinner Peter shared a story about taking Mattie fishing on the Potomac. That particular day, Mattie caught a fish (they caught it and then released it!), but Peter did not catch anything. Mattie was feeling pretty proud of his accomplishment, especially in light of Peter's results. As Peter was taking the anchor up from the row boat to come back to shore, attached to the anchor were two catfish. The catfish were jumping all over the place in the boat, and upon further inspection Peter could see they were tangled up in someone else's fishing hooks that was thrown back in the water. So flopping fish and all, Peter held each fish and removed the hook from their mouths, and threw them back in the water. I have heard that Mattie observed the whole process and was concerned about the fish. This really bothered him that people would leave the fish like this, but he was proud of Peter for freeing the fish. I heard this story once before, but it wasn't until tonight that I recalled it. It is special to be able to share these stories in a spontaneous way, and it is special that we still have this connection with Jerry and Nancy. Mattie left us with many wonderful memories and many wonderful friends, who we wouldn't have met without him in our lives.
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