Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. Literally a month before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Mattie was attending the birthday party of his good friend, Campbell. Mattie was standing right next to Campbell as he was about to blow out the candles on his cake. This is a party I will never forget. In Campbell's backyard was a moon bounce. Moon bounces were something that were quite intimidating to Mattie, however, after great strides in occupational therapy, Mattie learned to appreciate bouncing, falling, and bumping into others. Mattie loved the moon bounce at the party, and in fact, we had a hard time getting him out of it. He was having that good of a time. As the party was coming to an end, Mattie stayed after to continue playing with Campbell. It was at that point, Christine (Campbell's mom) suggested that she and I go in the moon bounce. That was a sight to see, and I am not posting that picture, but I assure you we had a good time, and the kids got a kick out of seeing us act like them!
Quote of the day: None of us would part with a single one of our memories yet they are all so laced with pain. The need and desire to touch and hold our child again brings an ache that has no release. ~ Willis Day
I am sure you know the old adage that it is better to love, than never to have loved at all?! Great saying, I even get the sentiment behind it, but I wonder how it holds up when wearing the lens of a parent who lost a child? In many ways, tonight's quote exposes the limits of this saying. Because as tonight's quote accurately reflects, the memories of Mattie are laced with "pain." We wouldn't trade even one of them, but when you see your child being treated for cancer and then die, you are left with a permanent ache, a permanent impairment in a way, and most definitely with a feeling that you are different from the world of people who haven't lost a child. It takes great strength not to succumb to a fatalistic view of the world and not to drown in feelings of self pity. I very much relate to the last part of the quote and the desire to touch or hold Mattie. As time lapses by, it becomes harder and harder to remember what Mattie's touch felt like. I am NOT sure what is more disturbing, knowing that I sometimes struggle to remember or the simple fact that I am forced to remember because cancer took my son away from me.
I am back to not sleeping well, and this is greatly affecting how I am feeling physically and emotionally. I am still fighting off a sore throat, and I just hope it comes and goes as quickly as it came. But with tons of people coughing all over me on the airplane trip back, I am not surprised by how I am feeling.
I met up with Ann today at the mall. We spent a good portion of the day together and eventually I headed back to her house and saw her children for the first time since I went away. Her son was excited to show me one of his Christmas gifts and to fill me in on how to use it and how it works. I remember the art of connecting and communicating to young boys, since Mattie taught me well. Through doing and playing, you can learn a lot about children and their feelings toward you. Later in the afternoon, Abigail (Mattie's buddy), showed me a kit she got for Christmas which Mattie would have absolutely loved. It was basically a kit of science experiments. Today, I learned to make a car out of a granola bar box and a clock out of two potatoes. Like Mattie, Abigail wants to do the experiments independently, and yet have your presence on hand for commentary. So though Mattie wasn't with me today, interacting with Michael and Abbie reminded me of the times we played together. Playing, sitting still, and building were NOT things that came easily to me. But with Mattie, he expected me to rise to the occasion, so I tried not to disappoint.
Peter and I met up with each other for dinner. Unlike Wednesday night, tonight I was very chatty. Despite working another 12 hour day, Peter always seems to muster the energy to listen to me and to share his perspective on my thoughts and how he is feeling. Tonight I needed lots of reality checks and understanding and by the time we finished dinner I felt better.
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