Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2006. Mattie was four years old. He was going through his Lightning McQueen phase, which meant we saw the movie MANY times, collected all the toy cars from the movie, and played and acted out scenes from the movie on a regular basis. I most likely snapped this particular picture because Mattie got a hold of Peter's jeans and decided he was going to put them on and wear them around the house. Mattie had a very whimsical side to him and we were good at making each other laugh. Mattie's laughter is something Peter and I both greatly miss.
Quote of the day: God is closer to those with broken hearts. ~ Jewish Saying
I know that today is the first day of the New Year, and I am very aware of the fact that Christmas has come and gone. Yet to me, these were ordinary days. Ordinary because just like every other day in my life, I still felt sad, I still felt Mattie's loss, and I still remain wondering about the future. However, I would have to say that I did acknowledge it was the holidays on some level because it became even more apparent and heightened who was missing from our family and just how empty our lives are without Mattie. It is a rather daunting undertaking to think that every holiday from here on end will look and feel this way. I would like to be optimistic and hopeful, but I am also a realist. Mattie's death has greatly impacted Peter and I, and our family.
When I look at tonight's picture, I see so many things. I naturally see Mattie, but I see so much more. I see happiness, life, and energy. Mattie was all of those things. He gave Peter and I direction, focus, and also purpose. I also notice in the picture our home decorated for Christmas. Our home hasn't been decorated for Christmas in over two years. I almost have forgotten what that looked like, if I hadn't seen the pictures. But in all reality, why decorate for Christmas anymore? Why write another Christmas card? These things are NO longer important to me and I think these actions are symbolic of how I feel in my heart and mind. I am disconnected from life, and perhaps I will remain this way for some time.
This evening, I went out to dinner with my parents and their friend. I had heard of their friend, Ingrid, for years, but never met her. She is an animal lover and I got to hear about her five dogs and the work she has done with the animal rescue league. We happened to admire the sweater she was wearing tonight, and through my comment I learned that she lost her sister to brain cancer. It was her sister who gave her this sweater for New Year's a couple of years ago. She wears it each New Year's and it helps to remind her of her sister. I related to that story all too well.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a comment Karen (Keaton's mom) posted on the blog today. Just when I think Peter and I are in left field, I get a message from Karen that reminds me.... NO I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings. Karen wrote, "So exactly how I feel, also, Vicki. Can't hardly stand to think I now have to label my days with Keaton as "last year". Want to scream....want to beg...please, please, please, don't let it be real...please, please, I just want him back with me.... Can you tell I'm not really into the whole Happy New Year thing? Guess I need to just go to bed...to sleep..perhaps to dream... Hold on to purple balloons...they surely must mean something more. Karen, Mother of Keaton for Always"
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