Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2006. As you can see, Mattie built a structure (which only got higher in height by the way!) in the middle of our living room. He was having fun with structure and color, and loved climbing through the different parts of the creation. It is funny how our living room was once lively and was transformed into all sorts of things. Things that only a child could think up and create. Now our living room is just that, a room.
Quote of day: Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow. ~Dan Rather
I think it takes great courage after the loss of a child to find the fortitude, energy, and will to go on. When I say "go on," I most certainly do not mean MOVE ON. Going on, means continuing to live, living with the loss, and with the grief. In so many ways, life as we knew it stopped on September 8, 2009, and instead we are left to pick up the shattered pieces and decide what to do next. But like any broken object, we go through life far more fragile, very more sensitive, and far more damaged.
I woke up feeling ill today. So I spent a good portion of the day in bed. As the afternoon wore on, I did get up and worked on Foundation items. In the midst of working, I received a lovely email from Donna. She wanted me to know that Mattie's school celebrated teacher appreciation day this past Thursday. Naturally all her students acknowledged her, however, to my surprise, one of her students also acknowledged me! He created this beautiful and colorful drawing for me. This little boy considered me his teacher in a way, and wanted to let me know he appreciated me too! I was very touched by this, as was his mother. When I asked Donna what the content of the drawing meant, she wasn't exactly sure. But here is my interpretation, he is say..... this is from my heart to yours. He is thanking me for sharing colors and feelings with him and to me this picture illustrates the rainbow of colors that lies within ALL our hearts! This picture actually brightened my day. For many reasons! I no longer get colorful pictures from Mattie, and I miss those gifts of creativity. I remember at one time when Mattie was in preschool and kindergarten the stacks of creativity he would bring home. As a mom you get used to that, and when it stops you notice your world isn't as colorful anymore. But I also appreciate this gift, because what this child is telling me in his own sweet way is "THANK YOU, I learned a lot." I look forward to receiving this piece of art in person, and it will help me to always remember my time visiting Donna's class.
Many of Donna's students actually touched my heart. On the last session we had together this Wednesday, I served them a snack of fresh fruits. This seemed appropriate since they just created a still life! I served the fruit buffet style, and thanks to Donna's polling the class before hand, I brought in their three top fruit choices: apples, pineapple, and mango. In addition to the fruits, I brought in three sauces for them to dip the fruit into such as caramel, fudge, and melted marshmallow. The kids absolutely loved this snack and the whole process! I honestly should have taken pictures of this because in so many ways it was priceless. After clean up, Donna encouraged all the kids to say good-bye to me and shake my hand. Which they all did the prior two weeks. However, this last week, one little girl came up to me with a big smile, had me bend down to stare into my eyes. She put her forehead up against mine, stared into my eyes, and kept on smiling. The children do NOT know I was a mom, and they most certainly do not know I was Mattie's mom. Yet this little girl stopped me in my tracks, because this behavior of pulling me down, being forehead to forehead and staring into one another's eyes was exactly what Mattie would always do to me. For just that moment in time, I was confused. Was this little girl doing this, or was Mattie working his magic through this little girl to let me know he was there with me. Either case, after this interchange was over, she gave me a big hug. This all happened on Wednesday, and today is Saturday, but I can recall this moment as if it just happened to me. As if Mattie was sending me a signal through this sweet little girl. I won't forget that feeling or that little girl! I can see her facial expression and eyes, as if the picture of this was burnt into my memory.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message I received from my friend and colleague, Denise. Denise's daughter, Marisa was one of Mattie's caregivers when Mattie was home from the hospital between cancer treatments. Marisa is also in charge of our Walk bake, for three years in a row! Denise wrote, "I talked to Marisa this morning and she is participating in "Relay for Life" with her sorority at NYU. She told me she is going to walk tonight in remembrance of Mattie. She shared how much she missed him and how often she thinks of him. We both are holding all of you in our hearts today."
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