Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006 at the Reston Zoo. As you can see, Mattie loved feeding the baby lambs. He got a kick out of the fact that they drank out of a baby bottle, and he was always amazed with how fast they could consume a bottle. Within seconds. I remember this visit to the zoo as if it were yesterday.
Quote of the day: How can we put into words the loss we feel in our lives? People ask 'How are we doing?' That is the worst question you can ask us. ... We are angry. ... We are in constant grief and disbelief. ~ Melissa Cox
Tonight's quote made me pause and think. It did this for me because the worst question is NOT how are you doing? Instead, it is NOT asking us a question at all. The worst thing is to assume because time has passed that everything is fine, the healing has occurred, and we have "moved on" with our lives. Grief doesn't work like that, fairytale endings only happen in the movies. In real life, losing a child is with you forever and some days or weeks the loss seems even more profound.
In fact, today was one of those days when I had a clear understanding that Mattie is gone and not coming back. Naturally I know this cognitively, but the emotional acceptance of this takes much longer to process. In fact, I think there are days I block it out for survival purposes. Otherwise if Peter and I lived in constant grief, we would be unable to function. I went to Mattie's school today to meet up with Donna, to plan our last Picasso and Matisse presentation this Wednesday. As I was making my way into the classroom, I saw Mattie's tree, I saw lots of children, and I even saw Mattie's kindergarten teacher, Leslie. Leslie was walking down the hallway with her class in tow. It seem reminiscent of Mattie's class, accept of course, Mattie was not part of this line up. A very sad reality and realization!
While Donna's class was out visiting with their specials teachers, I had the opportunity to chat and brainstorm with her for an hour. We can cover a lot of territory in that time. Donna continues to introduce me to technology and the remarkable teaching tools out there for children. Children are savvy with technology today, making it almost imperative that such visual and auditory stimulation be in the classroom. While in the classroom, I saw a video on the internet teaching children the days of the week, which were sung to the Addam's Family TV show's theme song. I even saw a music video teaching children about teen numbers. All very clever! In fact, I think such videos would have been very effective for Mattie, since he and I both remember things through song.
My mom sent me a youtube video today about the Power of Words. It is a short clip, yet a very powerful one. In fact, the video reminded me of a man named Bob who I befriended in graduate school. Bob was homeless and lived about two blocks away from the building I worked at on the University campus. Each night as I would walk home, I would pass Bob. At first I did not acknowledge him, but as time went on, and I passed him often, we began to get to know one another. Bob was very intelligent, hosted very meaningful conversations with me, and yet it was quite sad that due to an addiction he lost his job, his family, and his livelihood. Bob kept a journal. Some days when I was passing him by, I would observe him writing things down in his book. It was only later when I got to read some of his thoughts did I realize that so many of us judge a person by one's occupation, the clothes one wears, and so forth. However, Bob had a lot to offer, and I guess I wouldn't have realized this unless I stopped to read his journals. I never gave Bob money, that is not what he wanted. What he wanted was to talk to someone and to feel like his presence mattered. On several occasions, he had me write something in his journal, as a message of hope or inspiration to him. Our friendship went on for years and I almost forgot about those interactions until I received the video below. Hope you find it as meaningful as I did!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hzgzim5m7oU
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