Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006. Mattie had just turned four years old. I was outside on our deck, hosing it down, and getting it ready for planting season. As you can see, Mattie requested to be soaked with water from the hose. Which explains why he was dripping wet in this photo. The funny part about Mattie was he enjoyed getting messy, jumping in sand, mud, and all sorts of stuff, but he also loved being clean. In that sense, Mattie was just like me, we both love organization in our lives and for things to be clean and neat.
Quote of the day: I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it. ~ Maya Angelou
I am not in a writing kind of mood tonight. Some nights I do sit down at the computer and wonder what I will write. Tonight, that isn't so much the problem, since I have various thoughts and feelings I could discuss, but I am choosing not to right now. I would imagine my life is hard to fathom to some, or even why I have the need to write each night. Tonight's quote was sent to me by my former student and friend, Charlie. The irony is Maya Angelou was the speaker at my college graduation. As I read this quote, I would most definitely agree that my life has been forever changed by Mattie's death. Do I think his death has reduced me? That is a strange notion in my mind. On the contrary, experiencing cancer and then the death of my only child can't possibly REDUCE me. It can only overwhelmingly add to my dimensions. Cancer has weighed down my mind, body, and heart, and these weights are difficult to bear each day. So some days I would love to be reduced, but I find with grief there simply is NO reduction!
I have noticed lately in the quieter moments of my day, I vividly reflect on aspects of Mattie, or play back a scene from his treatment. I find that I do this some times at night, and when this happens, I have to force myself into a diversion, otherwise there is no way I will go to sleep. If you think I can forget about Mattie's cancer treatment, his battle, our time in the hospital, his painful visits home between hospital treatments, or his death, you are sorely mistaken. Time continues marching on and for those around me, time may be healing, but for Peter and I, time only exacerbates the wounds.
I spent a good portion of the afternoon finishing up Ann's garden. At one point, my car thermometer read 107 degrees. It was broiling outside, and I couldn't spend as much time in the sun today based on my marathon planting day yesterday. But Ann's garden is looking lovely and I have incorporated a glass sun and metal butterfly into her garden as well. I meant to take pictures today, but I was just too wiped out and covered in dirt. But I promise pictures will be coming soon.
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