Sunday, August 21, 2011

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2007. Peter took Mattie for a rowboat ride on the Potomac River to go fishing. As you can see, Mattie caught a catfish. Peter snapped the picture and then threw the catfish right back in the water. Peter and Mattie had many weekend activities that they liked to do together, and when Mattie would return home from these adventures I got to hear all about them. Our weekends look quite different now.

Quote of the day: Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly – hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear. ~ Joan Rivers

Anger certainly may be a symptom but it is a very powerful emotion that surfaces in the grief process. It certainly isn't easy to be the recipient of such anger, but chances are the person grieving doesn't mean to unleash such feelings on purpose on those closest to him/her. However, if you understand where the anger is coming from then it is easier not to take these hostilities personally. One thing I have learned the hard way is that grieving is a long process and not a process everyone wants to walk with you on in the long run. After all such a process requires the ability to sit with emotions, to accept and hear painful feelings, and to also understand that there are no quick fixes to coping with the loss of a child. Being a friend to someone who has lost a child is a challenging endeavor. Mainly because there are many highs and lows in a given day or week, and unfortunately the emptiness in one's life from losing a child always cloud's one's perspective and interactions. However, I am thankful to my friends who keep emailing me and who try to include me in their lives. It does make a difference.

Today for example, I was trading emails with my friend Tina while she was driving to the Outer Banks, NC. She wanted me to know that she enjoys my company and that there was room to join her on her vacation. Naturally I wouldn't dream about interrupting a friend's vacation with her family and friends, but it was knowing that she wanted to include me that mattered. Life after Mattie's death has changed so many aspects of our lives, and one of the biggest changes is our social network. Our network was once huge, because it was comprised of other parents with children. However, we no longer have the same opportunities or reasons to connect, and with that, relationships and activities that were once so crucial and vital begin to fade away.

This morning, Peter and I walked to our local boathouse and we rented a kayak. We paddled together, which looks easier than it really is. I remember the first time I tried doing this with Peter in the Outer Banks, I gave up within minutes. I am getting better at this now, but still could never do this without Peter. Peter did rowing in high school and college, and has incredible strength. While in the kayak, I literally held the camera right near me and snapped a picture of us.

During our journey, I tried to take over the paddling to give Peter a break. We traveled passed Roosevelt Island on our kayak and as you can see Peter apparently snapped a picture of me while in motion.

As is typical during any Washington, DC summer day, the weather began to turn. The sky turned grey and the wind began picking up. I tried to snap a picture of some of the waves on the Potomac today. Peter did not like what he was seeing in the sky and suggested we get the kayak back to shore. Since Peter seems to understand the weather better than most meteorologists, I usually don't challenge his assessments. He called this correctly today, because within an hour, we experienced violent storms. By that point however, we were fortunately home and watching it from our windows. Well I was watching the storm from inside, Peter was outside in it. Mattie was always fascinated to watch Peter's reaction to the weather, and Mattie usually joined in on Peter's adventures. Adventures out in the rain, the snow, etc. I have a feeling Peter misses his side kick during moments like this.