Friday, September 21, 2012

Friday, September 21, 2012

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. This photo captures some of the many antics that occurred in Mattie's hospital room. For the past several nights you have been introduced or for my faithful readers re-introduced to Meg (one of Mattie's amazing Child Life interns). However, before Meg began working at Georgetown, Mattie had the "dynamic duo," as my mom used to call them. Pictured in the chair with Mattie are Whitney and Lesley. Whitney and Lesley were/are indeed the "dynamic duo." They were Child Life Interns that related beautifully to Mattie and our entire family. In fact, these women are still part of our lives today, and when their internship ended at Georgetown it was a very sad day for all of us. Both Whitney and Lesley have beautiful smiles, are compassionate women, and truly tried to relate to our plight in the hospital. You may notice another cutie in the picture. The fellow attempting to come through the door is Brandon, Mattie's big buddy and a Lymphoma Cancer Survivor. At the time this picture was taken Brandon's treatment was complete, yet he continued to come back to the hospital to volunteer his time and to visit Mattie. In the scene you see here, Whitney, Lesley, and Mattie were trying to blockade the door to prevent Brandon from entering. They figured with all their weight, they could stop him. Naturally that wasn't possible, but it made Mattie laugh and forget his issues, feel alive, part of something normal, and most importantly it got him out of his bed, talking, and interacting with others. As Mattie's cancer battle progressed, his level of tolerance for people and noise decreased significantly. Some days I wasn't sure what was worse..... a cancer diagnosis, or a cancer diagnosis and being quarantined inside a two by four of a hospital room! 


Quote of the day: Somewhere we know that without silence words lose their meaning, that without listening speaking no longer heals, that without distance closeness cannot cure. ~ Henri Nouwen


One of the highlights of my day today was having lunch with my friend Christine. Christine's son, Campbell, and Mattie were very close friends in kindergarten. It was through their play, that Christine and I also had the opportunity to become close friends. It was one of those glorious weather days in DC today, and we were able to have lunch outside and catch up. While I was waiting for Christine to arrive at the table, I recognized a fellow mom and Mattie supporter at the restaurant. So we got up to hug each other, and at which point she pointed out that everyone dining around us were moms from Mattie's school. Naturally I did not know these women, since I haven't been a mom at the school since 2008. But I have to admit being surrounded by moms made me uneasy.

When Christine arrived, the other moms recognized her and so they began chatting with us. One mom asked if we came to lunch to celebrate anything today. My response was.... we are celebrating being able to get together and our friendship. With that this woman commented that it is a special time to be out and not have a child in the background shouting out "mom I need this, I want that....." Christine quickly stepped in on this, because frankly I wasn't in the mood to respond to that. The irony is this mom's comment wouldn't have bothered me in the least before July of 2008. In fact, I would have most likely related to her sentiments and laughed it off as one of the challenges of motherhood. Now however, my viewpoint is very skewed and tainted. What was once normal is NO longer normal or part of my life. When something has been taken away from you, you would be amazed how you long for it. So today's comment left me instead feeling like this woman is lucky to have a child not sick, not living in a hospital, or dying, and she doesn't even know it! Keep in mind I am not judging her in the least, because her comment is so appropriate for a circle of moms with healthy children. A circle I am NO longer a part of.

It is funny how time and our experiences can change us, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. The test becomes what do we decide do with these experiences over time? I must say there is a battle that goes on within my head in any given day. The battle sometimes comes down to the simple notion of who will I be protecting today, myself or those around me? I do not mean physically protecting but emotionally protecting. The loss of a child is one of the biggest conversation stoppers I have come across, it immediately alienates people, people feel uncomfortable over the topic, and for some it is just easier to keep me at an arm's length. I am aware of this issue, and yet if I don't talk about Mattie, that provides great uneasiness for myself. Coping with the loss of Mattie in essence feels like living between a rock and a hard place.