Sunday, September 16, 2012Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. We attended the Child Life art gallery exhibition at the Hospital, and Mattie was there to proudly display his LEGO creation depicting his version of an ideal hospital room. In addition to Mattie's design, he also developed an entire story line, including a whole cast of characters to explain the LEGO model on display. Linda put Mattie's story on a beautiful poster. I have a copy of this poster at home and I am honored to say that Mattie's story is still on display at Georgetown University Hospital even today!
Quote of the day: The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. ~ Lao Tzu
Though I am sure Tzu's quote has nothing to do with grief and loss, the quote is SO applicable and fitting for the subject matter. When faced with a traumatic loss, the journey to adjustment and recovery is thousand miles, or maybe a million and one miles to be exact. Either case, it is whatever mileage one can walk in a lifetime.
As I mentioned previously on the blog, one of Mattie's wonderful Child Life Interns recently lost her dad to a sudden heart attack. I am reminded of those initial days and weeks right after Mattie's death and know that one's grief journey can only be managed one day at a time, or "with one step." Seeing the bigger picture associated with loss, trying to figure out plans for the next month, can be beyond daunting. In fact, I would say that I still live my life one step at a time, and I get edgy when asked to make plans months ahead of time. When living under times of crisis, living in the present, in the here and now makes sense. It makes sense because in Mattie's case his treatment, his test results, and his prognosis were CONSTANTLY changing. Therefore, making plans was ludicrous. Of course, Mattie is no longer alive, and yet I still can't go back to my future oriented way of life. I am sure there are several reasons for this, but for now it is what it is.
This afternoon, I had lunch with my former clinical supervisor. We haven't seen each other for a while, and over lunch we had a chance to catch up on each other's lives. Carla and I met at a restaurant called Black Market Bistro in Garrett Park, MD. In my opinion this restaurant is a best kept secret, tucked away in a charming area of Maryland. Within the neighborhood is a train track, and while we sat outside having lunch, trains passed us throughout the day, freight and passenger. That may sound nasty, but it actually wasn't intrusive, but rather nostalgic. Nostalgic because Garrett Park was in the 1890s, a train town with beautiful Victorian homes. While sitting there, you can almost imagine what life was like in more simpler times, times where there were no commercial planes, major highways, cell phones, and computers.
This was the kind of setting today Mattie would have absolutely LOVED. Going to restaurants with Mattie was a challenge, because he did not like to sit still, and eating wasn't on the top of his list. But he would have been intrigued by the trains, listening to their whistles, and being surrounded by a portion of Rock Creek Park. It is in everything I do, that I think of Mattie. The trains today reminded me of his joy for movement, his desire to understand the nature of locomotion, and his excitement over spotting a train. Whenever Mattie saw a train, even a Metro train, he would literally shout out.... "TRAIN, TRAIN, TRAIN!" With each train that passed today, all I could think about was..... train, train, train! I can sense Fall weather is upon us, which saddens me, but sitting outside today and experiencing the scenery and glimmers of sun were indeed special.
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