Monday, December 3, 2012

Monday, December 3, 2012

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008, our last Christmas with Mattie. Mattie spent Christmas at home away from the Hospital, and not unlike Thanksgiving, it wasn't a happy holiday. I typically feature a photo of Mattie each night, but tonight I wanted to post this so you could see how Mattie decorated his space. After Mattie's limb salvaging surgeries, he spent a great deal of time sitting and scooting around on the floor. It was how Mattie compensated for the fact that he couldn't walk. Mattie decided to claim a part of the living room floor and set up his Christmas train. In years past that train always went around our Christmas Tree. But in 2008, running between the hospital and home, it was impossible and unsafe to set up a real tree. That didn't stop Mattie! If there was no tree, then Mattie was going to improvise. Around the train was a host of things from Legos, Wall-E, toy cars, to a poinsettia. This set up grew even bigger over time. When Mattie died in September of 2009, with him also died Christmas in our hearts. We no longer set up a tree, put up decorations, or in essence celebrate the holiday. Nonetheless, on occasion when I go into our walk-in closet to get something, Mattie's train stares at me in the face. I remember how much Mattie loved that train, the Christmas music the train played, and the fake smoke that came out of its stack. It is hard to know that other families are decorating for Christmas now and headed to share their traditions with each other. I am certainly happy for them and yet sad for us all at the same time.  


Quote of the day: Though I knew in my mind that others had felt such loss, this loss was mine, and I felt that no one would ever understand it, and to try to explain the loneliness and pain I felt would be futile. ~ Linda Hawley


My day began bright and early. My doctor wasn't working in her DC location today, she was instead at her Rockville, MD office site. Since she was accommodating me around her schedule, I was very flexible, and took whatever time she gave me. She wanted to meet at 9am, which isn't a problem per se, unless you are aware of the horrible traffic in the DC area before 9am. It took me over an hour to get to her office this morning, and that certainly did not help my stress level.

This doctor has been following my case since February. It helps to work with someone who knows my history, which is why I wasn't rushing to the ER this weekend, unless I assessed a crisis. She examined me and is sending me for an internal sonogram on Wednesday. If you are unfamiliar with an internal sonogram, consider yourself very fortunate. To me such an assessment could be used as a form of torture! Why such a procedure is done without sedation is beyond me, and I can't believe I am the only woman to feel this way. Any case, more definitive information will be obtained on Wednesday. But when she mentioned this test today, I almost jumped off the table. I first experienced this love of a test in February of this year. It was so horrific, that the whole sensation remains within my mind. It is my hope that after Wednesday, I will never be prescribed such a test again.

However, this physician and I are on the same page. We both believe that stress and grief exacerbate my health care issues. Regulating my stress levels now is not as simple as it might have been prior to Mattie getting cancer. In so many ways, it is as if Mattie's cancer has changed how I am hard wired. The littlest thing can make me jumpy, anxious, and stressed out. Things that probably other people would be able to put into context. So I am aware of these differences within myself.  

After my appointment, I drove back home. It was an incredible weather day in DC. Close to 70 degrees in December! Totally unheard of. So I text messaged Peter and asked him if he wanted to meet by his office for lunch. I needed to eat and try to de-stress before coming home and doing more Foundation work. We met and ate lunch outside! It was a bright spot to the day.

For the remainder of the day, I was working on our Foundation mass mailing. I had a helper, Patches. Well maybe she wasn't exactly helping, but she helped herself into the big box that stored our mailing envelopes. Got to love a cat!