Sunday, December 2, 2012Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. Mattie was home recovering from his second limb salvaging surgery. I took this picture because to me it screamed out HOPE! Mattie had three out of four limbs operated on and therefore he had a hard time doing anything independently like walking, dressing, feeding, and toileting. This was very frustrating for a once capable six year old. In addition to all of Mattie's disabilities, there was great fear associated with trying to walk independently, not to mention pain. Last night I posted a photo of Mattie playing the piano. Tonight's photo was next in the sequence. Once Mattie finished playing on the piano, he actually hobbled his way from the piano to the staircase. To me this photo spoke to Mattie's courage and his desire to want to walk again. I had no idea when this photo was taken that Mattie would never get a chance to rehabilitate.
Quote of the day: Remembering. Forgetting. I'm not sure which is worse. ~ Kelley Armstrong
Peter and I have had a challenging weekend. We had a great deal of Foundation work to do to prepare for our December mass mailing. However, the issue at hand was my physical decline. I am fortunate to some extent that I have access to several of my doctors by email. So last night I emailed my urologist. When she heard my symptoms, she instructed me to contact the oncologist who is following my case since February. I wasn't expecting that response, so naturally this made me very upset and only compounded my stress. Though it is Sunday, I worked hard at getting an appointment to see one of my doctors tomorrow morning.
Moments like this make us reflect on all the times we waited on pins and needles with Mattie. What would his scans show? Was the chemotherapy working? Has the cancer spread to his lungs? Would Mattie's pain ever dissipate? Would his appetite ever come back? All a lot of what ifs, for 15 straight months during Mattie's battle! A great deal of stress and anxiety were wrapped into each of these 'what if' moments! The stress and the aftermath of it remain within me, so much so that I have noticed when I am now asked to face things I perceive as stressful, a whole chain reaction unfolds.
So now that I have been told I need to see my oncologist again this week, I have a hard time separating this news from the news that hit us with Mattie. I have no doubt that the stress of not knowing what is going on with my health further compounds my headaches. I am signing off for tonight and hope that tomorrow provides more answers rather than more questions.
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