Sunday, July 21, 2013

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. One of the things that helped all of us through the endless days and nights in the hospital was Legos. We would work on Legos together for hours. You did not need gross motor movement to construct and build, instead Mattie was able to use his fine motor skills and creativity to remain active and engaged. In fact, as Mattie's cancer battle progressed on, he did not want to talk with people, nor did he want to hear conversation either. The one thing that he did find acceptable was chatter about Legos, building, and of course commentary about the finished product.


Quote of the day: When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. ~  Paulo Coelho


Today has been a whirlwind for Peter. I have been sitting on the sidelines going through the process from afar. I am not sure which is worse!!! Peter woke up at 4:30am to catch a flight to Boston at 6am. Once in Boston, Peter rented a car and headed to the Ford dealership where Peter's Explorer was towed after our accident during the July 4th weekend. It has taken all this time for the insurance company to evaluate the car and to deem it totaled. I am still trying to wrap my head around how a fender bender with a large SUV, could produce such damage. Needless to say the cost of fixing Peter's car outweighs the worth of the car.

From an outside perspective one could be mature about this and say...... it's just a car. It can be replaced. So move on. Well it isn't so simple! This Ford Explorer was the first car Peter ever owned. So that alone is a milestone. But moving passed that, this was our family car. This car took us on all our family road trips and vacations. There are many nooks and crannies in the Explorer that Mattie hid rubber lizards and bugs, toys, rocks, and you name it. The car represents Mattie in a way and our memories with him. So frankly this car isn't replaceable to us for many sentimental reasons.

I asked Peter to take some photos of the car today, and he sent me two. Though Peter's family lives in Boston, it was important one of us emptied out this car for ourselves. We know where things were hidden and stored! So this is the first goodbye picture.

The car looks perfect from the back, but not great from the front. Peter actually took a flattering photo of the front end, but if you could see it in person the front is squashed in, the passenger front door won't open anymore and all sorts of things within the motor have been cracked. We got this car in 2004, when Mattie was two years old. The car I drive is actually older than Peter's and I always thought mine would go first.

The loss of the Explorer seems very connected to our overall loss and trauma associated with Mattie. When we lost Mattie, we (or I should say I!!!) began to cling to things. To me this car was a symbol of our family, and now it visually represents once again, how fractured and damaged we are.

Peter left Boston at 10am and is driving back to DC. Last I spoke with him, he was in NYC. So he is making progress, but it has been a long day so far. A day which will end with unloading all his things from the rental, figuring out where to store them (another feat!), and then returning the rental to National Airport. As tonight's quote so aptly states, "life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change." I for one have had it with all the changes associated with loss. They haven't ended for us once we lost Mattie, in fact, like an earthquake, there are many aftershocks long after such a big jolt and loss.