Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. This was our last Christmas with Mattie and it was really a brutal holiday. Mattie was recovering from his limb salvaging surgeries and was also in the process of developing a full blown case of medical post traumatic stress. Peter and I were at our wits end caring for Mattie at home and when I look back at this now, I just don't know how we met his physical and psychological needs. Especially when we practically had NO sleep. Mattie's disease left him unable to sleep and therefore that meant we also got NO sleep. While Mattie was home, he was visited by my friend's uncle who dressed up as Santa. Mattie loved Ed's visit and it is sad to think that both Mattie and Ed are no longer with us.
Quote of the day: And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more? ~ Dr. Seuss
Christmas of 2008 will always remain firmly in my mind. It was the last Christmas we had with Mattie. I have learned that everything in life is relative. Meaning that I thought in 2008 we had it hard. Little did I know that Mattie with cancer was better than no Mattie at all (never really planned for that option). Looking back, I thought our life in Christmas 2008, was absolutely impossible. Mattie was home from the Hospital (since hospitals work hard to discharge you before a major holiday if they can) and trying to recover from two limb salvaging surgeries. Mattie was also dealing with pain, immobility, and the beginning of medical post traumatic stress disorder. We were on overload balancing Mattie's medical care at home which was enormous and his psychological needs. Needs which his doctors couldn't appreciate until they saw him a week later in clinic. I remember vividly the sadness that surrounded us that Christmas and just how depressed Mattie was. We hear of people struggling with depression, which is an all encompassing issue, but observing this nightmare happening to a six year old is hard to stomach. Especially when it is your six year old and he is also struggling with cancer. Cancer that physically ravaged his body. Mattie's cancer, unlike some other cancers, was a very visible cancer. A cancer that removes limbs! So unfortunately if you ask Peter or I about Christmas and how we feel about it, at the core you most likely will hear our sadness and our final memories of Christmas as a family.
This evening, we had a big dinner party with several of my parents friends. I have been planning this dinner for days but wasn't sure we could pull it off since my parents have both been so sick for almost a week now. I tried to do most of the work so that this day would be possible. While cooking in the kitchen today, don't you know my HUGE grasshopper friend came back to hang out on the window screen. He later jumped away, but he was with me for most of the morning. As I mentioned last night, I take Mr. Grasshopper as a sign from Mattie to me! It had to be close to 80 degrees in Los Angeles and I had all the windows open to get fresh breezes throughout the house. People here take this for granted, but since Washington, DC was 25 degrees today, I know this sunshine is to be cherished.
I started off my morning however with text messages back and forth with my two nephews and my niece. That was a special highlight and my nephew closest to Mattie's age shared with me his favorite gift he received under the tree. I could hear his excitement even through his words.
When Mattie was battling cancer, we became friends with a young lady named Bridget and her family. Bridget is courageously battling cancer and Peter and I have always been fond of her and her entire family. Bridget's mom, Cathy, writes to me every holiday, and today was no exception. Some of my faithful readers may recall that I had a chance to reconnect with Bridget during Mattie Miracle's Chocolate Therapy workshop at the hospital in October. Cathy wanted me to know that our littlest and brightest star was being remembered today and also how much Bridget enjoyed my visit with her in the hospital. I still recall that visit because Bridget introduced me to her doctors as Mom #2! That made me feel very good and I only wish Bridget and her family never saw and experienced the insides of a pediatric oncology unit and clinic!
I want to thank so many of our near and dear friends who contributed to Mattie Miracle this holiday season. I can't think of a better gift you could have given us! It is deeply appreciated and we value your support. Along the way today, my lifetime friend Karen wrote to me and said she wished for Christmas she could clone me. I took that as a high compliment and it is feedback and caring messages like this that truly help grievers become reinvested in the world.
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