Tonight's picture was of Mattie giving me Peter (yes it is Peter writing tonight's blog) a surprise model magic birthday cake, a project that he had been working on with his Child Life Specialist, Linda and his art therapists, Jenny and Jessie. It is amazing to think that this moment was over 5 and half years ago, and that it would be the very last of my birthdays that Mattie ever celebrated with me. As the picture shows I was very overwhelmed and so honored that my son, who was going through the very worst experiences of his life, had the desire and took the time to think of me and to make me a present for my birthday... but then again, anyone who knew Mattie would know that this was the kind of person he was. To this day it still stops me in my tracks when I see that cake as I am flooded with memories, some pleasant some painful, and of course marvel that this model magic cake is still with me today yet my Mattie Bear is not.
Quote of the Day: They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite. ~ Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
Hello everyone, it is Peter writing the blog tonight as Vicki has been at it 24x7 on one of the two book chapters she is writing this summer in support of the Foundation, and frankly, she has written all that she can write today, so I am stepping in as a substitute.
In writing this blog, I took a spin through various quotes about time. Perhaps it is because I am getting older or rather more perceptive of the repetition in life, but to me, as each year passes it is time that seems to go by more quickly.
Today's quote is one I came by that speaks directly to me and Vicki and those who have lost a child... as grief is not finite, it is infinite, like time. Grief is also like time in that it is perpetual, always coming at us, even if sometimes we choose to ignore it, it is an unstoppable force and one best learned to live with than attempting to resist. Most normal people who have not gone through such a profound loss may still believe, if they stop to ponder the topic, that grief is something to experience and then to learn from and move on with one's life. However, this is not the case for us or for others who have lost a child. Grief is always with us, always present and beside us there is our only companion... time, silently yet persistently marching side by side with us in our grief.
The birthday cake to me is a symbol for many things. I see it and I see Mattie and his beautiful self and all that he was and all that he did and said. I no longer stop and wonder why this happened to him or to us as nothing productive or helpful ever comes from this dialogue. I am instead reminded of time. Always time. How long ago it was since he gave me this cake. How many birthdays has it been since he was alive to celebrate my birthday. How long was it since I last saw Mattie alive (1,768 days). You see Vicki and I no longer have the milestones of a growing child and a life full of wondrous prospects that a growing child brings to mark each passing day. All we have left are the finite memories of our deceased son and the infinite tick of passing time.
Tennessee Williams said in The Glass Menagerie that, "Time is the longest distance between two places”... a profound statement indeed and insightful as I find myself now nearing five years from the date that Mattie died and all that I have left of Mattie to mark the difference is the passage of time.
On a lighter note, Vicki's work on the Psychosocial Chapter for an ASCO sponsored book (ASCO is the American Society of Clinical Oncology) is moving along swiftly even though she may say "it isn't". Vicki is a truly gifted writer (those of you who are regular blog readers already know this), and from the drafts that I have read, Vicki is going to make this chapter sing. When Vicki takes on a project she leaves no stone unturned, no drawer untouched and no detail forgotten, which frankly, to quote Vicki's childhood friend Karen, "Exhausts me just to watch". Vicki, like her son, is infectious and leaves her indelible mark on everyone she engages, and it is this kind of rabid and dogged determination that gets things done and will make a difference in the lives of the children and their families living with childhood cancer.
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